#1143 - Candice Thompson

July 11, 2018

Candice Thompson is a comedian, writer, and actor. Check out her podcast called "The Struggle w/ Candice Thompson" here: http://www.candicethompsoncomedy.com/the-struggle-podcast

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ladies gentlemen's how's everybody doing Kansas City we just added a bunch of more seats that's for August 10th at the Starlight Amphitheater there still a few tickets left for Vancouver August 24th and then we got two big ones the Philly one on September 13th is basically everything's basically sold out is a few tickets left for the second show and then Columbus is a big joint on September 14th Friday night I'm at the Schottenstein Steen Steen Schottenstein Schottenstein Center

that's on September 14th and September 29th Toronto almost sold-out Joe Rogan. Com for all that good stuff okay ladies and gentlemen especially gentlemen only gentlemen actually wedding season is upon us what's the wedding season well it's the season where you get asked to go to some fuck complacent where some shit that you never really going to wear any other time you don't want to have to buy that talks right will you can look sweet

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alright my guess today is my friend Candice Thompson she is a stand-up comedian a regular at the comedy store in Los Angeles and just an all-around cool person and I really enjoyed talking to her and I hope you do too please give it up for my friend Candice

The Joe Rogan Experience

Camelot canvas hi guys hi oh my God that's supposed to be a terrifying movie right like Huffington Post I think I buy anything like in the movies so I'm constantly in Pursuit it was not damn you're that hard that no movies get you I'll try to send you the last time I was really scared

yeah well they're fun I like them that's how I feel I like and I also like thinking that something might get me I like the suspense in that but it never does I always get is very anti-climactic for me you like sinking that something might get you scared doesn't count it's the wild that doesn't count that one bothered me a little bit I was joking the weather

I was just sending out my Instagram stories to tell people that won rock me a little a little but it's something about the dark never mind fuck yourself and think that there's like someone outside like you said you hear something you open your door and you listen and I had a real guy outside of my window so like I didn't see him I only heard him oh my window was cracked and he started whispering to me through my window I did I did but everytime I tell people to like that's terrifying and I'm like it was terrifying but at the same time it's like those kind of flattered

kind of flattering they went out of his way to whisper at your cracked window he started whispering to me he was like I'll just tell you what he said was terrifying I was watching also let me give a setup I was watching Mulholland Drive have you seen are you David Letterman show, David Lynch in the morning oh yes I just drove in for this to go fuck how do I live in LA I left my place is old and I think what happened was that it was built before AC was even invented so the windows are at school so I can't even put like a portable fake Frank open and the windows crank open like that you can't even get the manager to replace the window installments before I could even put an air conditioning

how do you survive the song and then at night I have fans but I know I know it's really nice and you're right it's got its own thermostat this room does a dare you try to make me feel bad

feel bad for your accomplishments this is what I want I want that pink Himalayan salt light right there

where do Salt Rock we didn't matter if it was a polar bear scary than that

it would be in town right now I heard him outside it was the summertime I think it was probably like July of this was years ago it wasn't it was like it is like now cuz this is kind of new I don't think I have ever been this hot in the like the beginning of July so this the end of days so anyway I was in my bed watching Mulholland Drive and I've been like I heard like a

outside of my window but I thought at first I thought it was this the movie Boomerang in the background I did I thought that at first so I can order it and then like probably 20 minutes later I would like something to tell my gut was like that's not the movie so I hit mute and all of a sudden I heard

that sweet pussy so you're on the first floor are problematic cuz it sounds like they were Horseshoes and their bowling all the time so yeah

most of the windows that's not an issue I wasn't scared he was going to come in because the windows open but then there's bars in front of it so I wasn't terrified about that but as soon as that was that Ian Edwards you know Ian Edwards charger work with them tonight was staying with me at the time because he had just sold his place in Reseda which isn't far from here and then he was in our extra room at the apartment so I was like he and I think there's somebody outside can you like going to get the indigo

it was all I had what are you saying about you you don't think you can protect me he's Jamaicans baby with all my heart

breathe again and he weighs 18 lb careful when I hug you I hug you I'm trying to get him to eat he told me who eats on my El Camino he said he will he said yeah he wants me to cook out for him he'll eat it because he'll know it's a hunted animal you know what does he's a vegan he doesn't want to eat anything that was killed from a factory farmer ya bish when can I fly every time we fly together I take a picture of them five minutes into the flight cuz it's always like this

outcalls 5 minutes and my dude what the fuck man its first thing in the morning we're supposed to be up I know it is you can do that vegan diet right but you got to be very disciplined you have to take all sorts of different take algae in the best source of B12 son's bioavailable oils animal sources in all the fat soluble vitamins this is just a nightmare yeah he's not and I don't know if he is on the ball. He was just out of my podcast the other day and he talk to you if it's called The Struggle and struggle so yes that's an ongoing struggle or the ongoing local not having air conditioning

she has since lost them

he's not nice he just had live the lifestyle that I just can't that we're not we're not compatible. Be friends I think I think we can get to the point we friends we were friends first so I think we can maintain that if I can't you know the struggle the struggle is real

but I'm good at those women when they're in their the prime of their life as a like not not like 20 but like as an actual grown woman with a career and an end if they're smart and independent have a really hard time finding the right man solutely if you're a dingbat any ol you know what your morph into whatever lifestyle your new boyfriend chooses then you can be okay because you don't know who you are but it's hard for a girl to fight first of all it's hard for a girl who's strong and smart to find a guy who's not intimidated by that right right this is my life I know my situation

don't need a man but just want one but the dudes can't handle it well it's hard both ways it's hard finding quality human beings to spend time with friends girlfriends boyfriends whoever it is it's it's hard it's hard finding the right mean especially in our line of work you know where in the attention business and I only get attention professionally right and make people laugh that's the business is fucking tricky business I don't know what you're talking about attitudes but you really do I always say about you when it whenever we're at the store like you always have these you have the grind spots you get those grind spots at the store to get those spots at 11:30 so the grind spots at shows been on for 3 and 1/2 hours by time you get on you know that's rough but you're always you always have positive attitude always happy always smiling everybody's always happy to see you people never like

roast some people do but I don't know who they are I don't know if those people but all my friends are always happy to see you you always you're very happy. There It Is Well that's got your fucked up you never going to make it this town

Conrad Murray said that Michael Jackson was chemically castrated I said that a long time ago but I thought he was a castrato a castrato is something that they used to do two young boys to get them to sing opera better never heard us before falsetto he talks Michael Jackson by the way that was voice was like this Marie has a recording on his phone that he just played I just some documentary I just watch and it was Michael Jackson's last words like on his Deathbed

divorce

see

get the fuck out here at that sounds like a girl

does does does a girl want some dick

that is not deep but it's not

okay listen when that is his deep voice

that sounds like he's got a cold but that's like my 8 year old has a cold but it's all got beaten by their dad what does that mean scared tell me how to stay low-key if you read the story is the chemical kasterova a sound of a real castrato cuz there's only one recording from the early 1900's was like some of the last of the castrato so they don't do that anymore but please but they used to do it was very, people would give their children to the Opera awful

will they get us kicked off YouTube

Jamie's got to do some finagling we get kicked off YouTube all the time for shit play things that are other people's copyrights

this is what it that's what he needs to look like I mean you know he was castrated so he had no hormones is body of did not produce testosterone

and so this is a grown adult

male why would they just let the women sing it because it's different things to different sound like the women sound beautiful in the sound like women but there's a sound that a castrato have another Michael Jackson sound the sound is a extremely feminine man it's real quick if you think you see Tito and all the other Jackson's not no one looks or sounds anything on here very slender you look like you had no testosterone like a girl

actually it's not bad so think about that think about that voice for the fuck sounds like that too man took him for a sexual person at all I said he was touching little boys I never believe that I always felt he was a sexual I didn't get any type of sexual any chemistry or any type of tension at all from him detector I have the actual it's entirely possible to that's true cuz I yeah I thought about that week we talked about that for years I was like dude I'm telling you I heard those castrados I know about that I guarantee you Joe Jackson knew about that too I bet they did that to that kid turns out they did these chemical castration

I heard that it happened I always thought it was like for some reason I thought it was when he was an adult I thought I would like a personal choice that he made no I think the idea was his dad was trying to preserve his voice I didn't know that so wait a chemical castration is that is it true that means but with what like is it something that you take that lip doesn't like shrivel up your balls but like something that just makes you in like ain't like you don't have the ability to produce testosterone anymore well was find out here it says allegations are Joe had Michael receive hormone Jackson when he was 12 years old in an effort to cure his acting prevent his voice from deepening and allegation Mary Mary previously made his 2016 self-published book this is it a secret life of dr. Conrad Murray and Michael Jackson

yeah he said Joe was physically abusive to him and his siblings were growing up but never mentioned undergoing any sort of hormonal treatment but this is what Conrad Murray says I don't know I mean reason why I believe it is because of the way you sounded just makes sense and his dad was just a horrible person do that to one of his son cuz he was the only one I was young enough to do it too if you look at the Jackson 5 when they were taking off like

we were more like he was five six years old everybody else has grown ABC you so fucking cute to they try to keep that gone forever that's why I think it's scary piece of cautionary tale you know and I think there's a level of Fame that you get to where you just fucked up you got to fucking famous person only wants that level of Fame right like have you ever thought about like people who gets his like for example like Donald Trump level it cuz it doesn't apply to like the entertainment industry but like CEOs who the multibillion-dollar only multibillion-dollar corporations like it takes a certain type of person to even want that type of cloud you know and I don't

that there's something in that is why I don't know I think there's a Pursuit involved in all these things where you start off just chasing money start out and then you get involved in a game and it's All About Numbers it's all about putting scores up you know and I think as those scores continue to pile on you continue to get more excited about your progress and you want to keep going further if someone makes a million dollars a year they don't go that's good now they go I want to million they make 2 million and I want a mansion they got a mansion I want a jet to get a jet I want I want to fucking Island when is it enough for people cuz I'm the type of person

25 million dollars and somebody was like you have to do this to get another 25 million dollars depending upon what it is if it was something that I didn't believe it or I wouldn't I do that's different though you're saying like if something was not aligned with your morals but if you had 25 million dollars you had an opportunity to make 30 extra hours we Candice maybe just a few extra hour a day and we could wrap you up to 30 million dollars a year I would do that yeah you do that and let me go listen Candice we can get you really close to 75 million dollars a year but you can have to work 12 hours a day

sorry I can't I know what you're saying I know you think it's hard but listen we get some adderal and we got some massage therapist it'll be on staff and if we do this for a few years you retire comfortably for the rest of your life you live in Ibiza are you fucking chill out in the hammock never happens that's the thing that Ibiza thing never happens to hammock never never getting a man like you just keep making money the only thing I'm working so I can stop working yes what number

I would be fine with

I'm going to I'm going to go with 200 million depends on where it is if it's where hurricanes hit all the time but you get a cheek Richard Branson bought one last year and right after you bought it got destroyed literally to the point where there are no living humans for the first time in 300 years in Zion

research while we just got unlucky he just bought it and right after you bought it it litter the epicenter of the hurricane washed over it and just the entire Island me if you're listening to this Richard Branson I'm not I don't mean to laugh at you pull up the story Branson's Island it's going to be reopened in a couple months they redid it because it sounds too much like that other word niggardly it's a problem

you know what's weird when words are okay sometimes like pussycat

not the same you can say pussy cat pussy cat I don't like what you did there unless you named your cat pussy I guess octopussy number. That was a big deal I really like this one I think was when we lived in New York for the movie right yeah that was like a big got a loophole in there just some words are like that well how about a dude named dick

yeah I don't know

right one deserves that name by Richard or rich now I don't think anybody's do we know the weirdest one is Jack I'll give your John your nickname Jack but John if you use John the nickname is Jack John Kennedy so stupid

it doesn't make any sense are there any ones like that for girls

will there is

no not that I can think of I can't think of one

try it does not it's a completely different it's a totally different name sounds different on the nickname thing anymore right you just said it cuz I don't

don't find anything wrong with the word derogatory way you know you know it was just a word that we said to refer to this type of person but to me it sounds adorable like to me it's just the nickname for transgender to say trannies like Jennifer you call somebody Jenny the problem is that it's not you not putting any respect on that name went to visit Charlemagne put some respect on my name respect respect respect my name did you see that I didn't see that one apparently Charlemagne had been talking some shit about Birdman sobered make a man with a giant crew Larry it was some respek on my name

it was the whole conversation and Shiloh is going okay

Stars over his head with crazy look that guy's guy.

Following the Drake and Pusha T.

celebrities you didn't get their feelings hurt, not bragging rapper Jennifer Lawrence Scarlett Johansson would you like that I would like to see one of them cry

cute little feelings hurt it's nice to bring those people sometimes you wouldn't like hurt feelings as much beer I'm not saying you're totally 100% failed you were saying earlier that you can't find a good man

the rest of me spiritually even without so you're so happy

happy person I've been single most of my life I believe it so you're happy that you're happy

how many years do I know you been nothing but friendly

I'm just happy to be living this life it's a great life as a stand-up comedian but even people who don't want to kind of be stand-ups they want to do a lot of people

they all secretly want to be Comics secretly did you come in and do morning radio on the profession which is like stand-up comedy where you can like tell jokes and people listen to you in the mass in the masses you know but I think yeah probably a radio DJ Dixie night some of them they get kind of egoi job but they can't do your job but you could just be choosing we are just now would you hold the podcast Radio Show 11:45 in the fucking or after Joey Diaz bitch good luck

like with dudes just in general that is mostly do women like competing with me to be funny most of the time that aren't Comics but like even do two aren't comedians like if I go on a date with MRI were dating is like they was trying to like one up me to try to one-up you even though

you know the fun

they want to be the one

like you don't have to be in and if you're dating me like it doesn't that doesn't I don't need that it's always good to have a dude that can make me laugh but I don't expect that at all no no no no I don't want to dude with no sense of humor no no no sense of humor at all but I would like

who can drift with me but also not intimidated by me and doesn't feel like it's be funnier than drugs going to be your problem for ever let that

well then I guess I'll just be single forever to remember ever get a boyfriend answers the door

every time his eyes movie and Candice what are you up to the Hulk well he fucks me and they stays outside my window

I want to have women going to get there cuz I know God is going to get that 100% agency ex machina minute I can I watch a movie scene like when that guy would like had those girls they were his girlfriend's in the Japanese leaves dance with them going to happen. There's no way that's not going to happen

why do you bite lump me in with all those other dudes that you

you I mean you're a woman right now

I saw it cuz you know I'm watching the podcast and so you had another black Candace on not too long ago in place sunken Place what's the sunken Place haven't seen that yet

fear of any more most movies I don't watch in the theaters most movies you just can't you said you can't go to the movies to go to all of them if I go to one movie Incredibles Incredibles but I got talked into going to see I call it black Purge blackbirds the first purge going to tell the origin of how the purge system started in America and its with black people

I haven't heard of this there was acting problems I felt it was acting problems I am I don't know the names of the people that I felt the acting bothered me but I didn't enjoy that in the story I just felt like it was like the premise is really good but it is not executed well maybe I did it I want to see that it was a very Candace Owens is in the dark places I was just thinking place also taping for Trump understand that and she's a woman she's a black woman

you don't understand it

what is there to understand like a woman accused of rape on numerous occasions history of racism from his family like his father his father Apartments used to deny renting apartments Odessa Brown and black people so I was raised with that so like and you know calling Mexicans rapists I can't there's no explanation for supporting I seen at the black woman she found a niche she said she's like the brand new Omarosa she's like she's like new Omarosa

Alicia I was talking to her but she didn't make any sense so as I said I don't understand what you're saying she was Joe you drunk and I go not sure that's my luck on your brother I'm not drunk I was high as fuck I wasn't drunk that's so bizarre you know I think she's just was like, roses out of the picture I'm a step up she could be honestly have never seen Tomi lahren and her in the same case there's a couple of those girls that are interchangeable like is Lauren Southern and Tomi lahren I was get them confused are both cute blonde conservatives

does a market for that of course there is cuz that's not the norm anything that's outside that was going to stick out going to be like all this is trending now like this is what our this is what our party now is represented by which is expecting a demographic the Millennials somewhat call what someone really believes and what they want you to believe right

cartel global warming at 1

see what that is to me when she said that that's indicative of someone who's trying to follow a line like there's a line that you're supposed to follow if you are a hardcore Republican supporter and it's like industry is good big business is good regulation is bad right now and then the big one is global warming is a hoax for at least global warming is something that's greatly exaggerated by these environmentalists in order to fund Al Gore's blah blah blah blah never want to know there's like certain things where you have to believe Strahan the right so he can have to leave on the left at crazy pretty much do you write when people that are pro-abortion

because she came out of saying she was pro-choice so yeah that was a she suffered a lot of opinions or do you know it's almost caught like it's very cold it's it's definitely a tribe I mean that's the song I have watched one episode was like this is just too fucked up its to bring out and how the kids getting separated from their moms and it's just like this is literally happening right now that is one of the darker moments of this this era this the knowledge that thousands of kids get separated from their parents as they cross the border like what what the fuck are we doing like what and there's no excuses a lot of people there's a video that I made was just a rant on the podcast about it with my friend Dunkin Duncan Trussell

everyone loves sweetie this rant or I just ran about it and they got made into a video and then all these people are like you know you don't understand the real issue on the border if the real issue on the border separating parents and the kids

it's just imagine I mean that people can't imagine what it'd be like to live in Mexico right over here by the cartel for looking somebody wrong but not ghost and you know this year you know that the number so he was just telling me yeah it's more it's more than a hundred this year politicians murdered in Mexico and I never investigated what's the number 232 politicians killed this year this weekend hundred 32 politicians have been killed since campaigning began

fuck

that is crazy record violence all because of us this is all because of the drug war if we just made drugs legal

there would be none of this going on I was out Pablo Sports a very similar situation mean when you make drugs illegal only criminals are selling drugs and is massive amounts of money because people love that cocaine to try like I prefer like I've done shrooms miss it the only way that I have is given to me like you know what I'll do like when I'll judge roast battle through it I'll smoke when I'm with my friends but I'm not I don't drink by myself and I don't like when I go home I got a bottle of liquor vodka that's been in my freezer

over a year now healthy I'm very healthy I'm very healthy very funny, cuz he gave me an edible one time and this is before like anybody could just walk into a dispensary because now you just have to show your ID and you can get anything from the dispensary this is when you had to have a card so he went in and got it for me and it was as lemon bar that said award-winning on it and me being the weed novice I was like oh this is going to be award-winning because of the taste right it's like probably Paula Deen recipe and so

I ate like half of it and I was by myself and I woke up I was laying down and I was in my bed and I sat up and I said am I talking to myself I'm not talking to myself oh my God I am talking myself I want to talk to myself and I was saying this out loud on my phone to get on Twitter to see the make sure the world was still happening cuz I was like I felt like I was in some weird Twilight Zone episode so I can force myself to go to sleep because I was like I can't be awake like this so I force myself to go to sleep I woke up the next morning I was still high for like five more hours

it was awful yeah I keep my friend edible and he called me up a day later so I'm still high a day later for rice rice krispie treats and I was like why would you eat four of them that he called the cops where is a 911 call the cops took weed from these people they pulled them over and then the cops use the weed to make pot brownies and then they ate the pot brownies and they called 911 on themselves they called and said they were dying please send help X moving very slowly what's hilarious is it's a fucking 911 call from a cop in the cop is calling to get an ambulance can you say the time is moving slowly they stole the weed for these fucking kids they pulled over the whole thing is just it's brilliant it's so funny

it's one of my all-time favorite 9-1-1 calls cuz it's just so stupid Planet article about the cop had their he resigned before he got in trouble for probably good movie called nine-one-one we're talking about Anna podcast years later everybody's heard that that fucking I guarantee the video is probably been played a million times easily more than a million

do you have a Jamie I just by found the shorter version okay listen this poor fucked just think about this

shave

something in it

I don't know we made brownies and I think we're dad time is going by really really for Dad

what is something that even when you're having an overdose people laugh at you cuz nobody dies and she's on the planet giving me a real newscaster in real life

once they walk around like this once to walk around the world hello how are you

oh that's great that's wonderful didn't always scared to say something wrong cuz it's kind of in the entertainment you know they're on television there stages readers you could be one of those weather girl with a big ass since you were those I noticed with the LA weather people for the weather women I wish I was like they are hot in Cincinnati high heels stuck in their ass out point to weather patterns

yeah this one I think it's South America is one famous lady she's like a famous weather cuz she's like one of the hottest women on the planet tiny little ways giant ass big tits are you hating on her cuz I hate waist trainers Bobby Lee bought me

I believe but you a waist trainer sometimes and one time we were in like a CVS and I jokingly picked it up and I'll let Bobby by Muse and he did and it was. I'll have it I never tried it but they're terrifying they like their course it's there you know that's why I'm like I'm not going to be happy and promote fat for women hurting ourselves so it looks good then have a kidney in my neck like a big old farmer to waste so I don't have a tiny waist to bother you but doesn't bother me

you guys I like my body

that's okay my okay I got a thick ass black women we can say that and we know that men some men or a lot of men like it but keep being called thick does no never makes us feel good about ourselves even if

even if we know that men like it it still makes it look in the back of my head would like to see me down fat what's all this we should guarantee this girl like being sick of course of course of course but a lot of women women women that I was probably 20-25 pounds heavier than what I am right now call Mother Ice Cold Case I didn't know how to eat properly because so there was a whole loaf at crazy remember this fat high fat is bad so they started doing low-fat everything but then they were placed fat but sugar so it would taste palatable you know because you if you take the fat out the flavor is going so like how do we get the flavor Baxley put a bunch of sugar and stops eating like a fat pretzels

bag a big fat man oh so fat so much of that there's some of those low-fat items that it's way worse for you gluten-free is what's what's popular gluten-free and

what's the other thing

I can't think there's another thing that's kind of training right now but it's not just not just gluten

no no I don't know what I'm thinking about I literally had a brain fart but there is something else maybe paleo paleo might be good for temporary but in the long-term paleo was just real food paleo just means no grain and no rice that's all it just no preservatives know what artificial flavors no artificial colors just meat chicken fish vegetables meat chicken fish vegetables does nothing wrong with that does not have to worry about that for a trend right but this is going to be looking like the low-fat Trend cuz that's a normal thing for people to eat at this is the more most recent one with the only meat

because of eating only carnivore diet his daughter had her hip replaced and her ankle replace she has terrible arthritis with carnivore diet gone some people ever really adverse reaction to carbohydrates in fruits and vegetables Professor you just said that that's not where cholesterol comes from dietary cholesterol doesn't have any impact on blood lipids doesn't have any impact in your blood cholesterol this is where cholesterol is bad when you have cholesterol and high carbohydrates does when your body is burning a lot of carbohydrates your body is in fat storing mode so if you eat a bunch of fat and carbohydrates asked him yet but if you do just as you just the fact that then your body loses weight believe it or not I actually get slim but I didn't know the cholesterol part or not if you are at this is one of them

things for people if you are on a high-fat low-carb diet you cannot eat large amounts of carbohydrates your body just is not what's going to burn the carbohydrates and it's going to take all the fact that you don't want to get fat do you think positive

it's going to be like if your fat love your body and that's fine like you can be fat and love your body but it's also promoting you know unhealthy behaviors I think also people free pass by saying Peabody positive tone and don't don't fat shame night people be a black belt in Taekwondo go to a dojo

fat stinky armpits

I used to be easy to Fat shame now people is super upset about it I'm not sure was right not right but we shouldn't be promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. Too and also Tom Segura said that like people making fun of his weight is a reason why I lost weight and is like fat shaming was very effective on me yeah you lost the weight because people are fat shaming a lot of behaviors a lot of behaviors are because you felt shame and we're in a square in a society where like there's no shame anymore I know I know people that are alike proud of their alcoholism

yeah I've heard people bragging about DUIs

so do you think that's an escape Clause like they're just like they're giving themselves and out I love being an alcoholic fuck it it's just fun Behavior like I'm fun when I'm drunk and it says and that's why he can be fun but also you know there's a Ubers

take a lift why are you driving a problem especially today is no excuse for that especially in Hollywood I mean that fucking, store parking lot you can't get out of it cuz it's always jammed up which is great but also isn't not it's annoying but it's great that people take juice possible yeah I know I'm by I'm positive I got in a Lyft driver driver cuz I don't I don't know but they suck so I started you wouldn't do any left but yeah I'm sure somebody was drunker than

yeah they're not checking them right now

I just I don't know I feel like being cuz you don't drink it all do I have such a non addictive personality and I feel that most people are addicted to things and that's why it's also tough for me like dating also it's because I know I'd see I know that a lot of people that I have you know been on dates with her what I was like oh this lifestyle is not conducive to what I'm trying to do so we just don't click on that way because you guys are getting fucked up a lot every weekend weekend it's it's called meetmindful

cuz I wanted to like fine people who were somebody who was just more present and maybe likes them self a little bit more so not to get drunk all the time to be with themselves yeah how'd that work out they were like you got to pay $30 a month that's what I paid for that one I said I was at work out

because I got literally nothing from that so I'm like instantly find the love of your dreams then you sit down with them on the couch they do a video with you as soon as I met Candace she was the one on there for over a year

or I get a refund you know I called and I said I would like a refund it was like why and I said these dudes are like force like all of them and Below they were just all of them were like the worst looking people I've ever seen and she will be my first complaint like I'm not going to find any of these dudes

they were terrible looking and that doesn't have like physically but just like the photo by terrifying looking like serial killers like don't know it's like pictures of just a forehead

probably the dating app world got to be fucking weird I know several people that are in the dating app world if so tell me about it or swiping right on time so I can if you like them

how dare she where I was swiping white one of them I think was gay and so are your study group why people are gay and pathological Liars

that's it nothing else

mutually exclusive

just send me one of your friends okay I'll try to find somebody for you yeah I don't think I can handle that a lot of muscles you don't like muscles not that much

voicemail twice twice twice but doesn't want someone who might be on steroids

I'll keep it in mind it's got to be hard like when you fill out when they meet how many things would you have to write you write what your occupation is what you looking for what do you write what you looking for do you have a ride I'm just looking for dick I'm looking for a meaningful relationship with the person of my dreams

is Dixie walk outside in front know about any of this that's it so if you just want some dick yeah it was way to go newer one is coffee meets bagel I was on that one for a minute I was reading this thing you said that there's a spray this was made me angry that it said is Tinder and grinder are they responsible in any way for the spread of STDs from their naps like that's ridiculous but I should take responsibility that more people are hooking up because of this thing right these B's apps and what it's doing it on the safely

so what that's not an any skin off their back like people getting in trouble for things that other people are doing their own mistakes when you put a condom on

I gave you was telling me about what the behavior and how like they have in the shower

there's a signal so that if you if you want somebody to come up and marriages Ram you curtain partially open and that's kind of like a signal to be like okay if you want to come up and you accidentally open cuz you didn't close it properly and all the sudden some dude it's every time I've been in gyms around gay people are used to belong to Gold's Gym on Cole it's in the you know in West Hollywood and that's where we used to fill news radio right down the street from there so that was a gym and I worked out it's a gay disco that Jim is a goddamn gay disco and when I would go there not that you'd get that feeling that the girl gets all the time

want you can come over here if you want to come over there it's a different Michael Jackson when he's not using his falsetto voice

but it's an uncomfortable feeling knowing the guys want to fuck you like I couldn't imagine being a girl just trying to navigate my way through dudes it's terrifying having peeping Toms at your windows it's this message Scary World out there

so your neighbor when they found that guy was he hot no I'm sorry I'm a little drunk I've always had this thing for you can't believe I was whispering hate your pussy is disrespectful I apologize for you like me to take you out to a trip for drinks and just will make up to you what's up I'm so sorry I'm so sorry

you know you put it like that who am I to turn down cuz my Army profile

I don't know if that's the terrifying part is that I don't know who it was and it could have been it could be someone I know the way my neighbors describe him was that it actually the way they describe him did describe someone that I know and consider a friend but then when I showed my neighbor the picture of the person I was talking about they were like no I don't think that's him but still now in the back of my head I'm like what if it was so that my friendship with this person has been a little stressed because I know it's weird

that's the life of a girl enough to worry about showed the guys don't have to worry about so many things no girls outside your window Whispering it's because you dated them before and you wrong then you cheated I did something and now she is stalking you crazy and they know where you live now I love very interested in all of like like relationship behavior and like crimes of passion I like all of it I'm very into it shows like Snapped on oxygen and you will see that it's mostly women it's mostly why is oxygen a woman's channel Oxygen was like are what

episode is like a different couple and the woman is just like you put up with anymore abusing her whatever and then she snapped

well you always Zoe's a spoiler alert for every show snap

that's my only thing I don't want to be a victim of a crime of passion. Don't you just break up with me not to kill me what's the craziest thing a girlfriend has ever done to you if you got in your car key before

no

no I've been pretty good at navigating those Waters got pretty good crazy radar oh yeah really hot really hot in there also crazy damn smoking worth it I guess you don't know if you seen it it was a YouTube clip and the guy to a chart and it was like a chart of crazy to hotness it's it's like all all the hot chicks are always crazy and basically tells you what range you have to find the normal woman totally funny Sarah has it best he's got up he said that there's like a radek and neurotic and they cross over this Crossroad interchangeable thing completely closely related psychotic neurotic and erotic erotic

almost always psychotic or neurotic or crazy this is something wrong if your world there are crazy I've heard that and so if you're wondering if I'm very normal

again my parents love me where you go I don't do any good point that is a weird thing right if your parents love you too much you might not be as ambitious that is true I wish I thought I like I think I'm definitely ambitious like I'm definitely you know I've been doing this for like like 10 years now and it's like I have come so far so it's like you know I definitely have goals and achieving them but it's also I'm also not like we talked about earlier like the CEOs of these corporations like I don't have that kind of drive like I just want to do it I love and make good money doing it I got up you know doing open-mic since. But I didn't want to go to the store first cuz I don't want to go there if I'm not funny yet I was going to see me and she's not funny

2014 summer 2015 so that was right when I came back when he got promoted to that position cuz I don't know if Tommy was ever going to pass me I don't know

I know

so when yeah when I came back. I got to see like the whole new crop there's a whole new crop of people in the seven years and I was gone 7 years

that's what I'll be gone forever is Adam did Tom eating at fired and Adam take over I was still pissed that was the dumbest thing I've done at the station for me it was a good decision it was good it was healthy to get away from the store for a little bit so I change my comedy made a little less evil

the boys is so harsh it's a different place just because of the bible, store is now also 45 by the Internet it's like people who love the place because it's his iconic historical landmark it's like the mecca of comedy club in the country now it's the real Mecca when I was a kid I heard about The Comedy Store you know because Sam Kinison started out there Richard Pryor was always there and I like that was the place I need to go to The Comedy Store when I came out here I was already on a sitcom and I will I didn't get past the store I got was a non-paid regular so I was able to go on at the end of the shows when I first got here when I got past as a paid regular it was like the happiest moment of my life I was like holy shit like that to me was bigger than being on a television show

but back then, stores a ghost town it was deserted it was no one there you go on a Friday night to be 30 people in the audience was just gross and it did that there was on a boat act still floating around yeah yeah it's like something happened between in the Kinison age right Kinison age was like 8487 88th and in that time I was just running rampid in destroying and he was a maniac right then he was the top of the world and then he dropped off and then he died and then when he died that place is a ghost town so I can log right after he died I came along a 94 and that there was no one there so it went from being dissed jam-packed I thought it was here like all these celebrities come to see Kinison do spots late at night but not sad John Belushi be there and their Jack Nicholson all these different people and then you go there I don't know was John Belushi dead by then when did John Belushi die

82 earlier than that yeah I should have said John Belushi I might have made that up but I Know Jack Nicholson a bunch of other celebrities right now

but it's different now now it's happening now notes every show sold out every show every show nuts last night was crazy maybe like a regular at the store like it just happened

at the perfect time like it just cuz I know so many people that like weird or guys back when like I've heard stories like Bobby would tell me stories from when he used to work there in like Freddy Lockhart when they were like door guys and I'm like wow that sounds so shity like what they're getting paid they're getting paid like $25 for the day I met Bobby was a door guy at the La Jolla store when I'm at Bobby's like 1994 or some shit like that we went to a strip club and he almost got killed what yeah we what sounds about right now is hitting on some girl and apparently she was she was dating some Mexican guy who had long black hair and tattoos on his face in the 90s in the 90s had tattoos on his face

it wasn't even popular back then the guy he was looking over at me and then they're talk to his friends are going we are getting the fuck out of here I think Jimmy Shubert was with me and Bobby Lee in the fuck out of here and Bobby's like to do shit I go I will fucking leave you I know you don't have any idea what danger is like those guys are going to do something bad I wasn't worried about fighting I was worried about getting shot I was like this is this is this is a bad scene do we got to get out of here now and Bobby who is 21 years old or whatever the fuck you was he was out of his mind he's a child in many ways but yes always

I tell his girlfriend all the time will that you're the most patient woman in the world to deal with him

and I saw a couple seems to work for a while there I said it worked anyway cuz I know two people that work for them and also I know a couple is getting married this weekend on Tinder maybe she's you maybe she's you get a chance because I know for sure is me how do you say in all of your manifesting how can you just send someone in your life that you need in your life how can you honestly honestly honestly honestly

I want to go scouting Joe Rogan from Fear Factor that just makes me laugh so much just wrong Impressions like crackhead impressions for jokes before and I can't because every time I try to do a an original crackhead Impressions but just from my own you know inspiration and from watching like other like real Kraken I can't do it either because the default crackhead is now Tyrone Biggums I can't do it because I can't do Tyrone Biggums certain people that create characters that forever that's the crackhead for the rest of the time

amazing that there was only 2 Seasons that's what's 15 years ago

in an even more amazing that he just said fuck it and left and left sorry got to go I was on Comedy Central at the time and I saw I like the management and how was working there so it's chaos and get you whatever you tell people that aren't funny that are Executives tell them to manage funny I don't know what the fuck they're doing trust me he's going to make the most funny figure out what they're doing and just get out of the way get out the way and put ads on it which stop using the n-word they want to stop using it cuz it would get more ads was all about people not comfortable with advertising with certain kind of sketchy so they wanted to maximize their profits

so tone down the show little maximize their profits and Dave is like I see where this is going. He's just joshing yeah they're so he's going to quit and he's an African now

but we were just going to make a hundred eighty million dollars so we were just going to make Dave just quit people don't remember but for a wild day was doing shows and wasn't getting paid you wouldn't do shows where he got paid he would show up in the park he showed up in Seattle is like a big deal he put up a speaker he put up his own PA system and start doing stand-up in the park in a crowd gathered round and that's what he would do to show up places to start doing stand-up that's crazy that's what he did you know what I meant Dave I'm at Davis like I was 21. She was like 18 something like that or maybe maybe I was a little older and I was like 24 and he was 18 and he was he would do like he would do shows outside like we did the Giga Montreal and then after we did the Giga Montreux it came downstairs outside of club soda and he just start doing stand-up on the street

Eagles ladies and gentleman ladies and gentlemen cat around I got some shit to tell you when you start doing stand-up on the street and he learned it from Charlie Burnett Charlie Barnett who was he was like a old school New York character did a lot of Street comedy have a video of Charlie Barnett there's there's one online he would do that like this what he would do Charlie Barnett would do, like that so he got these giant crowds and would walk around like a park and get everybody gather round and he was such a showman the people just sit and wait a while standing who does Washington Square Park it's insane

who won the village no Mike

put on Power Rangers

Power Rangers Power Rangers

but I'm not going to fight with a Puerto Rican man

Houston you would do this is how we do stand at the park I got a chance to see him a couple he died of AIDS like somewhere I think it was in the side but I got to see him that's when people were dying of AIDS medication for that bro

but you Charlie Barnett influence Dave and Dave would do that kind of stand up you know Dave would just do stand up in front of a club you just just gotten people just gather around and watch him and I remember thinking like wow I'm not really me I can never do that but man that kind of Detachment to be able to just just be free in front of a crowd like that powerful you know we performed in all different types of really terrible places you know when you're coming up and you're just doing open-mic sandbars in like coffee shops whatever and I still to this day roll my eyes when it's an outdoor venue and still need to stand up in an arena Arena

Suds dick that's weird and crazy new vision board got a private jet on your vision board visualize it to you I do visual visual visual as you stroke a tiny bag with a dog in it and it is a cigarette holder giant glasses

just like Mike Hunter S Thompson high heel stilettos and dad can fart freely and I have to worry about other people what time I held a fart from Cincinnati to Los Angeles but I was like I can't do this any body and I have been accused person person oh what's the difference cuz you can't make they change it to fight a time because I have male flight attendants cuz you can't call a male

rcma really mail

I am really

more feminine than me but yes OMG we're so alike I had to fill out this form and on the form it said sex it said male or female I was like where the other other bitch where's where's other kids know their Fox they identify with Fox News like an elf can would people think that there's something there supposed to be something else there like a person but really there an animal is trapped in a person's body when people ask me how's it feel to be a cat I'm like how does it feel to be a human what's rational whoever you or your dad is hey dude who's her dad fuck you look at you did

you asshole you let this girl who thinks she's a cat

for sure like Rachel dolezal going crazy she owes money she's and that she's got kids

y'all just get on my nerves are we all the same it's if it's anything or nothing bet you could have got it from somewhere else could you have really if you fucked her could you really did you have to pick of the litter Kitty really a on someone else's couch and they're still getting vagina so yes they must be good talk women don't have standards anymore my parents loved me how many times did the name of my first special because my parents love me because my parents love me so that doesn't work crazy like

vicious to the point where you're willing to step walk off people's backs in the back because my parents loved me you know that narcissistic personality disorder sociopathy comes from some type of neglect or abuse in childhood you know people attention-starved and they said the people who is two types of people you got the people who really just love the craft of it they really are great actors or a great Comics writers and then you have the kind that just want to be famous don't give a crap about you know what it takes actually you don't know on that skill and become the best at that they just want them some of them pretend to be absolutely some of them like pretend to be Comics like they pretend to be interested in the craft of Comedy when they become famous and then you see

comedian

what's that we you and I don't have anything to do with anybody I know but it's frustrating when I was a kid was just feeling like I didn't fit in like out there when you were telling me you're not black like that was my pain cuz I am black and so I grew up feeling like I didn't fit in anywhere that you are a certain percentage African American parents are black and they are somewhere if you saw my family be like there's no white people in this family if you saw my family but somebody somewhere long was black to chimp chimp this is what I think about my family just a text in general you know people evolve from apes I think I don't believe that somebody went back

when they shouldn't have somebody went back to me that's all she wanted she would let me stay well everyone's out to every single human if all the way back that's what I just did it what could it be I'm mostly I'm supposed to be mostly Italian and I have a quarter Irish in me that's what it's supposed to be in My DNA and maybe a German got in the mix or an African or a Moroccan or who knows he know he knows he got in the mix back in the day

too I don't think I'm going to do one of those I don't want to I don't want to know the traffic settle down

it's crazy because like you have like me and my sister we were from the same parents but she had a completely different route other than me there's no one ever question she never got her hair pulled by like darker skin black girls wear that I did not get her hair darker than me so just she just came out different so you know so your comedy is salt soda like you have like a personality that would kind of compensating for not fitting in because I felt like I could distract people from Aunt like I want them to like me and accept me so the one thing that everyone can agree on it we like jokes me like laughing so I became like a Class Clown and just with people like me now and I don't have to worry about them wondering what I am and trying to put me in a box of like I'm the funny one that's all that matter yeah

exactly as described because I was molested by my father somebody that's awful I'm sorry to hear that but that makes sense but you don't have your not addicted to anything that you weren't like Touched by an uncle so like why are you funny and I was like on stage where you working what we do for a living a few jobs at one point I was working at Sylvan Learning Center and at one point I was working at a time I was a center director for at Sylvan Learning Center at one point so I was in charge of that facility

yeah but I wasn't I was an assistant at the assistant director at the Glendale and I was a full-on center director at Santa Clarita after that I also worked at a nail salon nail salon at the front desk yeah I worked in Toluca Lake lake at a place called Oasis Nail Spa shout out to my all my Vietnamese nail technician to still work there they were very nice I used to work there because it's by the studio so why his daughter would come in as soon as I'm done deal with drop them off I think that's what it was with his his wife at the time what's the bad luck Salon Hunter when it comes in there is very get divorced

I don't think that's doable the salon or restaurant it's just show up as people you are 2% are your parents

still together my step father and my mother are still together that's commitment but it works I mean the very happy with each other very friendly to each other mother and my father dangerous not good then left that and then when we moved in with my my mother's parents we live there for a while and then we got an apartment after my mom at you no Escape for my dad and then when my mom met my step dad

it was a totally different hippie and he was like this really nice guy he just he was just use you know he's an architect and he was just a different kind of guys that have long hair just different kind of person you ever wonder about like how you would have liked what your personality like now if your mom had stayed with your dad like longer I would have been a dangerous person for sure you know I have a tendency towards violence cuz I'm not a violent person in terms of like actual actual actions but I understand it like it's there it's always there I just don't let it out of the box and that's why I got in the fighting and that's why martial arts life like having nothing for every boy especially every boy that grew up mean obviously situations could have been way worse than mine mine wasn't the worse I know he beat me it wasn't tear

in terms of like I didn't get abused but I saw it and I saw a lot of I saw plenty of violence so it's like I knew it was a thing and if I grew up around it would have been to start the fact me and I would have been a part of it for sure in the promise you mirror that you know I could do guys grow up with dads who beat their mom are way more likely to beat their wives or their girlfriends are you know or maybe the opposite maybe just hate it so much cuz you seen it that you would never allow it but but I think for young men like having some sort of event something martial arts especially cuz you could actually get out the violence or you purge it from your system you have to think about it anymore as giant is it really cuz I have no idea what it's like to be a man you know I I don't I I think I do have

add a decent amount of testosterone for a woman tomboy when I was a little girl and I was never until like dresses and like stuff like that when I was younger I never liked and vision like getting married having this huge wedding knows where my fantasies when I was a kid you know it when it was Halloween I would dress up as a boy I would be like Count Dracula my sister will be a princess and I be like the Hulk

live like I've always gravitated towards a more masculine even nothing to do and maybe that's why I tried gay dudes to go anyway that's neither here nor they are you guys constantly fighting the urge to be violent I look at it I think that every man every man who has a functional endocrine system last testosterone has been involved in sports who is fairly athletic there's violence in your head so if your head was a house okay there's a room there's a violence room and you can open up that door if that door gets open Crazy Chicken happen most of time that doors closed but the more fucked up things that happened in your life the more your house gets rocked the more your foundation gets fucked up the more your joy start to Creek and move left and

certain things are off center in off Plumb then that door opens way easier. Door is leaking the door gaps like the framing is not so good hinges are loose right and so for someone who's been around a lot of violence like people grew up in terrible neighborhood been involved in gang violence a kind of shit that door is always ready to pop open it just always ready to open where is someone who grew up like that my friend Todd likes one of the nicest guys super sweet guy could imagine a beat anybody up cuz he just was loved like maybe even too much like it's all of his doors locked up tight he would need to get the key from his mom is going to get in there plus I have other friends when did you fucking if your brush up against that door too much like Joey Diaz Joey Diaz if you if you knock on the door when he's asleep there's violence ready to go it's I mean he got any doesn't

too much but if it happens if the wrong thing happens that door come swing it open you know did you see the Mister Rogers documentary

so we could take your kids to see the middle watching that wild wild country are all cult sex cults

what the fuck support number cause if you don't get some pussy cuz you're a girl with the cheapest kind of running that the Rodney sperm on that bitch lost okay

yeah I guess so yes but she was writing stuff while she was there cuz I do never left his room was only in power because of homeboy was Nemo show how do you say that I don't never went without him and his rolls-royce's in groves

42 rolls-royce's cars Rolls-Royce get some different religious organization that they're just doing their thing it's legit movement you know like what is it called right cuz Christianity is often by Scholars refer to as a cult documentaries are referred to as the cult of Christianity is a group of people that follow and ideology follow a certain way and pattern of being so these people are doing that exact same things until someone from like the fucking FBI starts calling it a cult like you don't care what it is

what a red flag would be is if like cuz you know is if your leader is fucking you know like that relations in general like the one thing that's frowned upon in like all of them is like too much sex or any sex really any type of like promiscuity so like I think across-the-board world religions just in general not even more like this is good there like you should have sex appropriating like that's it with the person that you're married to but with that they were there like this group sex like I think we might be yeah as soon as they do start fucking everybody's why

all right yeah that wouldn't trust that that is the thing that but that's the thing with men like men when they get the power anytime a man runs a giant organization has all these followers and he gets to stand on to a stage out in Uno and is a grassy field filled with people with bowing to him he needs yes come come for the ride in my Rolls Royce you can drive Rolls-Royce number 17 come on for a ride

so do you trust like Joel Osteen Osteen

trust in the house it was like a man of his word right I was like what this was this what you had a kick-start or what well he is absolutely just that's what they are dresses real nice and talks about Jesus and he gets people excited they giving them their money they give him their money that's what he wants and we got fucking millions of it

Denise get divorced do you get divorce Google that is probably get some serious oh yeah Jesus said Jesus

tell me a job setup is that Blasphemous now it's like he's a leader you know if it's a long as it's obvious like is a con bad if it's real obvious they can see it Jim Baker like people to follow each other around selling food for people that scare the world's going to end buckets of food temperature long-suffering Tammy Faye

it is addictive there's something there there whatever that artificial sweetener is it they put in there but those things are addictive

it's Jim Bakker was like a perfect example though if you're so fucking stupid you buy into that guy's shit like you deserve to lose all of it or whatever where they would be making fun of Robert Sheldon loses his hair slicked back he's another late-night guy we talk in tongues me to speech some of them speak in tongues this one thing you said I was listen to start fucking crying laughing said every time you write a check to me Satan gets back I know you busy day that every time you write a check to me Satan gets a black eye

it should totally be legal if you're so stupid you like all the saying I smack these you pull out your checkbook I smack you say you are fixing to get a Shiner there is look at them to speak in tongues here

don't remember this guy hilarious hilarious

what does that has him he he speaks in like tongues when is he really old looking now that him there

I'm such a cruel bitch even Robert Tilden went down with all his money

but what do you often is old fart now oh geez that was him all that whiskey and pussy and coke coke for Jesus says sold anywhere and trustworthy to the private jet 15 hookers in there waiting for him so he touches down to shoot the hookers

you know too much stop it you could have said it right before I came to UFC how much money is Dana White brought him to a UFC and then he wasn't gay anymore he was a she was very sad cuz you saying that you know he was ashamed being gay in that you know the church is going to they're going to pray the gay away one of them deals so sad there's nothing wrong with being gay man in this this idea that you could change someone from being gay so fucking stupid it's like just be game and you're gay it's alright it's okay

you just need better people around you to tell you were okay to Atlanta or anywhere else for this gay people LA and let you know find a gay scene to be in the closet out here to the closet closet and then when you meet guys like Todd Glass who didn't have the closet is so much happier now it's like it's just a giant burden relief. Relieved off my back like yeah but yourself man and you know it's the stigma so it's a bad for everybody it's bad for gay people's bad for straight people because Tim and bad for people are homophobes cuz they don't realize how many people are really gay right and if they did they would probably like

what is normal yes to having blue eyes or black hair whatever the fuck it is every time my Marshall every I'm throwing him under the bus every time but Johnny Cash my Mastiff he'll take a leak Marshall come over and lick his dick right after you take celene I'm like a block away from his dick man dude so depressing gets right up in there instantly little sore though the very very old the ready to go moment when I move to LA and I have to sit, I just want to make sure that I

the takers billing training dog white mother have them bad girl I would like to have a kid I thought you had a kid you know why I said it I think somebody brought it up somebody said Candice has a child I think someone said is probably some girl he cheated on you on the bus

somebody brought it up that's why I asked you I don't know what you got I like really small a really big like and what might my place I have a nice size place but I still would like to have property when I have if I have a big dog so I would probably want a smaller one just for the sake of you know Randy limited so I really do like a Pug's friends of Whitney Cummings to her about dog she's got a shitload of them that picture of the horse and she talks like she should I go to her or with her she's very smart and I am I go to her and talk to her about dog questions you can be. If I stay

she goes out she was first of all to talk to you like that she was first of all I'm in charge my house she goes I don't walk around my dog's I walk through them she was like I'm the alpha Jewels they don't get to get on top of me they don't climb on top they don't kiss my face she goes I'm in control

Spitz great

what is that

yeah I like I like Bulldogs I like French Bulldogs but I'm also more those ones that like those like little tiny ones that probably annoy you I like you I was little dogs to you I like your keys I like I like Pomeranians I just like dogs I like General really cute purpose do they want their face to be flattened out so they like the bread

yam get dog get a man Candace want to kill his dog

artanis we got to wrap this up and everything else to say the people the first introduction to you

I think it went well we talked about this for a while I'm glad we finally did it I did make it happen for sure where can you go see, all my dates if I'm going to do this year in Montreal August 26th of July 26th May 7th I don't know I don't think I've got a thank you we did it yay I fire my pleasure thank you fuckers Fortuna to podcast and thank you to the cash app download the cash app for free

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delivered

alright that's it we did it thank you thank you for tuning to the podcast preciate you guys and gals and non-binary folk and and other kin and that's it we'll see you soon bye

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