#1144 - Doug Stanhope

July 16, 2018

Doug Stanhope is a stand-up comedian, writer, and TV host, also currently hosting his own podcast, The Doug Stanhope Podcast. His book This Is Not Fame: A “From What I Re-Memoir” is available on Amazon.

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please go to audible.com Rogan or text Rogan to 500-500 to get started Amazon Prime members can get Audible for just for 95 on the why I was not saying 5 5 demo come out for 95 a month for the first 3 months which is like getting 3 months for the price of one after that it's only 14 95 a month this offer ends July 31st 2018 I'm a huge fan of audiobooks anybody was listen to this podcast knows that I'm always listening to them I find it to be one of the best way to absorb information while you're driving around sometimes I like to listen to podcast but I love to listen to audio books in audible delivers an unmatch selection of audio books audio recordings radio program in virtually every single category imaginable plus the books of yours to keep with audible you can go back and read listen anytime even if you cancel your membership please

go to audible.com Rogan or text Rogan to 500 500 to get started and again Amazon Prime members can get Audible for 495 a month for the first 3 months after that it's only 14 95 a month this offer ends July 31st 2018 I'm a big fan of audible and let me suggest a book for you how about your dad stole my rake by my good friend Tom Papa or maybe living with monks living with the monks by Jesse itzler a very fasting podcast guest the light of the stars from Adam Frank it's another great one another guess these are recent authors and you can pick up one of their books folks go there do it get get started get your fucking freak on audible.com is one of my favorite people that ever walk the face of the planet I love him

clearly he's a hilarious stand-up comedian in my opinion one of the best of all time give it up for my brother mr. Doug Stanhope

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hoop for life are we go to this place up so badly wasn't bad at all because you can't remember at the end yeah yeah that didn't work as good as I thought was going to be really read this place up perfect you know you're always getting cigarettes no notice where do you get that sugar-free creamer I can't be good for you too hopefully kill the aspartame taste

Rockabye by the way I see it I said education elysees this on stage even when there's no joke but when I'm just angry about it Stevia is an artificial sweetener and it's a big scam where you say there's no artificial sweeteners cause you did hate getting that fucking aspartame taste and then it but then they have Stevia in it because it's natural and it still taste like shit so you're thinking oh good it's no artificial sweeteners that means it's not so it's still taste like shit but it's it's natural shit soda no but I know it's Steve they figured it out they really did good it's not like you've been burned before it's not it's not Coca-Cola but cuz it's lifted taste lighter I like it a lot though good

we're out push get some but that's one of the stevia ones that's good it's different this different Stevia to like this stuff Stevie right here don't drink things that have sugar or need sugar I unsweetened iced tea is fantastic or if it's just juice vodka I put the other I use vodka soda with just a tiny splash of either grapefruit or so there's almost no sugar in it anyway I don't drink fucking Coca-Cola I'll put a splash in a whiskey but tiny

where if I get fucking hammered on Whiskey I probably drank still 4 oz of coke so it's health benefits just the facts up your whiskey how's things in Bisbee are you the mayor yet no we were trying everywhere try to find someone to write I would be at the worst yes it would be like doing a cruise ship comedy where the worst thing about cruise ship would be if you sucked and then you have to be in the buffet line with everyone who saw you sucking the whole week you're around people who saw you suck that would be the mayor of Bisbee where half the town hate you for it because you're not supporting whatever stupid fucking and you have to see him at Safeway cuz your town have a split is there like a conservative side of your town and Olivia side of town

your usual Dynamic of conservative and liberal it's not we hate queers right it's the plastic bag ban well you can't tell us we can't have plastic bag split over just manooshian silly shit that bothers you in a small town and it's hilarious down 5000 Jesus Christ that's so little

yeah that's amazing that's really good they leave you alone or picture still bother you show up at your house all the time people, they just they know that go to Bisbee and they can meet Doug Stanhope like this is the move football we don't even do football parties anymore give it up too weird to see too many people just even local I just end up hosting the whole time and never watching football yeah that's the problem right and fucking clean up 15 people over and no one's throwing away their fucking shit so it has a lot of dishes or the worse they bring food everyone would bring food after a while but then they believe the the pan so you have to

grab a fucking casserole pan and then try to remember who brought it so you can get it back

that small town living the cave still for sale yes it is you still interested municipal airport so if you had your own little four-seater Cessna fucking Bill Burr in his helicopter like it had for airplane Hangar like like parking spaces so you could fly in park right in the house and I was like 2900 square feet they're asking like 400 for it indoors it had its own a giant airplane Hangar that goes right up to a bar where you can make a stage in there as a citrus shows

that's the one so it's right at the airport is the runway oh wait no that's the highway the runway is to the go to the next picture Jamie

how to explain to his dad that flip houses his parents they came down and went through it so fucking gorgeous wow it's been a 499 only problem is it's it's got the septic and shit like I'm the worst homeowner it ever I can't do anything and you start putting that like septic on me I had a septic in one of my old houses and the deposit broke and then first the toilet bowl started back up and then the tub start filling up with pissed shit fun times it's like all the sudden we're in the the bathroom downstairs in the tub starts filling up like what in the fuck is going on and it what it was is Colorado in the Hills

there was a house in there was a the septic tank was slightly above the house she had a pump to get to the septic tank so you would pump the waste into the tank it's not a good idea like I do want the tank to be below so it's like a natural flow so the pump broke so the tanks are backing up in the house

fun times that's the the things that I went I couldn't do it if I if I did if I had the money I would just buy that as this is our studio we don't look their best can stay here we'll make this into a like a place like this should I just write idea better better than Floyd has any actually has a real gig now he was he would come down it was a fan fly into Bisbee from Tucson just to get his hours does it take to get a commercial license and he came no not a Superbowl party we the last special light he came down flew down with a bunch of his friends we taped it in Bisbee my last special and so the next morning he flew back over the house I need to put Stan and hope under each Wing they buzzed our house

commercial guy for the Delta partner and he actually picked me up at the airport so he was learning how to fly a professional credit questions other than hey can you fly me to La like if I needed to want to talk about underappreciated people the people that know how to Pilot the planes

1500 hours that's it

and I make dick for money I not read those stories weather like in New York that when they have these like single rooms with eight bunk beds inside when they have to lay over to the Atlanta Ford

what is this Jamie 200 1500 4 hours maybe 250 hours of flight time

it doesn't seem like a lot Member One how bad you drive when you're 20 how bad did you drive when you were 20

pretty good terrible remember driving piece of shit cars with no worries that I like now just to go to the store I go or not going to make it in his car I bought ice to buy Lotto shity cards to deliver newspapers in so I buy a car for like three hundred bucks just beat it into the ground and get rid of it I would do that when I lived on the road and doing triple 11 hours from Vail Arizona to Southern Wyoming and hope the car makes and you can see the ground for the passenger side floor is rusted out you can actually see pavement we drive those cars Forever Until I died and then hitchhike to the next town and hope you know a comic there that can get you to the city for the gig but you have ever imagined when you were 21 or however old you were when you first start doing the road

they one day you would look back on those horrible nights with like Nostalgia I knew it then I knew it was nostalgic I was ashamed I didn't I didn't

I didn't think it was I just like I'm a loser and I was enjoying it all difference between doing it on the East coast in Boston and congestion rather than the Great Wide Open of Montana and yeah that's probably shows are probably Bleeker though like we had shows like you would do a lot of road games but they were good gigs like they weren't like the boom of the late eighties I start an 88 and I start doing gigs on the road like hell gigs on the road and probably like 89 and dumb there was a lot of gigs back there that they were really good you would go somewhere there be three hundred people be a great crowd and 150 people in a bar everybody's the other love comedy night like some of them were really good

but it's just the the never knowing if you're going to make enough money to pay the bills in the stress of being poor yeah didn't have a lot of bills living out of my car well that's always a lot of questionable choices and ladies just four days before El Paso

dangerous Gigolo days the jiggle of days of Doug Stanhope yeah he's such a view of the country that if you really stop and think about it like how many different places you've been and you aren't you are understanding of America like you've been everywhere you been all the all the different spots get a chance okay this how they rock it over here I just how they do in Detroit This Is How They are new or different and then you put it all together but if you just like you just like Parks it in Columbus Ohio and fucking that's that and all you know is yes rules

yeah it sucks when you're out amongst people no one really gives a fuck no one gives a fuck it's bar chatter at best but it's you never run into people that are actually affected feel you don't unless you're looking for it most of the time it's a non-issue what it's the most most pressing issue because it's it can shift the country one way or another that's what's weird about it it was only gives a fuck about that actually affect them locally the thing that sets that guy about Trump about Hillary is he forgot to move his car on street sweeping day but he never goes down to petition city council about hey this is fucked up that stop sign was obscured your honor and I I wouldn't run the stop sign but there's a fucking branch in front of it and you need to cut that down and I get a ticket and I can't afford the ticket and it's the economy fucking Trump or whatever they just bring it to the

highest level will one of the things that I've realized by talking to people that really understand how things work like economics like talk to Peter Schiff yesterday The Economist he wanted to really think I could talk to him he's a very successful guy but he's right there he's right there like we talked to him first time we did a show we got drunk we decided have a couple drinks and lighten up cuz he was doing this like Fox News CNN thing they do what they have these five and a panel we have to Rattle off statistics wizard that shit, I'm down here for a long time and does he set up a video that said I'm the one percent ask me ask me anything

I think it's just talking to people about economics like you think it works does that really works but this is what I realize talking to people like that there's no fucking way you could be on the ball with all this stuff with Congress and the Senate and all the stuff that goes on behind the scenes in a lobbyist do we have to be fully immersed in it would have to be fully immersed in it and then fully immersed in the stock market to have any kind of an argument one way or another and most people are just having these half-assed half-cocked shity thought-out arguments about almost everything they talked about including me there's too much shit to know there's too much fucking when it comes to like politics but you pretend you understand politics like how long you been trying to unravel this Russia thing

I got your humid out completely I know I don't know and I don't care enough to try to learn to a place I went through a. Of conspiracy theory days that I've learned a little bit but anything that I really don't know how government works so hard to know so hard to know

Elementary School fucking I'm Just a Bill on Capitol Hill and still don't even know what that fucking meant to stop talking about possibly trying to text to a more than most people most people the president or anybody just represents what they like like I like a nice guy bullshit guy okay and then you just find whoever best fits that mold and you support a president idea I think if

Trump was any Republican that wasn't a fucking asshole but stood for the same principles that would be no outrage they hate his personality first which I'm not yeah yeah he's a fucking loser but he's the one you created we were just talking about and I mention it on stage hearing again that Trump makes me happy sometimes in that he's a product of everything like what stat levian ball that fucking like basketball dad he's famous just cuz he's a fucking asshole and he knows hey if I keep being a fucking asshole the more I'm going to get noticed and Ann Coulter who just says or Tom lykis or the new Dodge we were just talking about you had the new John people say outrageous things just to get attention to I'm to tell you I said feed the trolls

it's all you people that watch TMZ and fucking by a tabloid because fucking so and so he said something outrageous again but it's a natural instinct to do that you know I was telling you before the show Ted Nugent is a nice guy he's like a really nice guy. Do you remember trolling his message board in from your message for you troll this message board and you were you're giving instructions on how other people should trolls Message Board they were so like they were Maga before Maga was Maga like they were make America great I had a bit about it in my ACT about not needing the draft you just show up at Ted Nugent concerts at scoop him up and that's going to take away NASCAR and I forgot to bed but it was even have a message board are they know it's over your message board wood troll and I

with the trolling Ted Nugent message board and I would pass aggressively I would backhand insult him by God hey we going to we get a band together and get the news back on the Airways it's no fair all these heaux by Rage Against the Machine wannabes are getting all the airplane and when I call to request a true rock and roll legend like Ted Nugent they laugh me off the phone and it's no fair that all these guys are selling out Arenas and Ted Nugent is stuck in some state fair play in besides Tilt-A-Whirl Ann and Andy Gump

like I'm Pro routing people that get nudes more notice but at the same time if I can Arkansas State Fair it snow

I need to answer you by the way I played with a lot more than 35 people that was the early days of people understanding message boards

that's right I'm glad I never brought that up so he's my friend sorry dude

I think we were talking about before is that a lot of people are nice people they just that this is the rack the rack tis say outrageous things get people to pay attention to them and then they see trick though I'm just feel like it's so fucking lazy well I think it's not all that it's like they believe that and they also like I believe Ted believe most of what he saying but I think you also says things in an outrageous matter because that's part of his Showbiz style like he's the Motor City madman you know he's he's going to tell you like it is and he believes and he makes sense about many things but then he goes you know it goes Haywire what's that but when you're with them you like you're a nice guy like he's a genuinely nice guy as much as he says crazy he's got his you know he believes he's supporting the intelligent side of the message that you should be

will have guns if you're responsible law-abiding person the part of me is like yeah you should be yeah but maybe you know maybe the problem is just like we were talking about people running for president you don't really get the new on stance of old person is from these campaign ads are debates you just get images flash thing when if you got to know I almost everybody's alright if you get to know him he has no reason to have his opinion but he has to be a dick just to keep himself like Kilroy in in the price ranges things would be a Alex Jones is a guy who maybe now he believes more than he should have got his own bullshit but he created that like that's what he created his own art form and made himself Ted Nugent is a guy who had to shity songs in 1977

in the spotlight he's like a Kathy Griffin clawing his look at me please notice me I'm still relevant right opinion I mean there's there's a reason why they go to Ted Nugent like when he debates people about gun control he knows to actual statistics in the actual statistics are confusing cuz you find out that they had a gun violence deaths a giant chunk of them are suicide and then there's gang violence is the other ones and then it gets down to actual gun violence and then the numbers they're there their they're weird they're not what you would want them to be wanted to be cut and dry like people using guns and crimes of passion and school shootings and that's why there's guns need to take them off the table but then a lot of what we attribute the deaths are suicides it's fucking dark how many people pull the trigger you know in a lot of gun violence

. and then there's you talking about Chicago how crazy Chicago is what was the number again 1000 what was it and not for like 1970 roughly about 89 the murders in New York City was almost triple that sick 2245 of the highest average I ate 900 I think in Chicago is what it is but there was one year there was 1,500 in a year right way more than China Rack in oats in Chicago and this is like for whatever reason it's it's barely guitar attention you know what guys like him more important for getting that message out even if he does in this fucked-up way like you we need to look at like what this thing is like we definitely have a gun problem this country but I don't know why don't I don't think either side is right about what it is

I think we have a fucking human problem the fact that humans are just running around shooting people is the problem it's not the fact that were smart enough to figure out guns

well it everytime me and Chad shank get drunk and have one of these conversations late into the night it always boils down to overpopulation there's too many people whatever the issue is somehow we can always boil it down yeah but there's too many fucking people well for sure

it's we don't value people when the numbers are so high you supposed to have that you value your close-knit group of friends right that's the romantic thing when there's 20 million people you can get me where which Liu you don't value people as much of a kitten and if you get a pet kitten I need to come home every night

you make me so happy but if you came it back to that same bachelor apartment 300 square feet and they were 800 kittens in there you could have killed stop and kittens these fucking things 5000 that's very mad at you to love it I don't know but I have no one to its smart I don't think big cities imagine I think people just put their blinders on and they just get weird let's get weird and some people say when I get energy from the city like I totally get that you go to New York City I totally get it you walk around as a buzz or so many people it's a bug bites

Sage the more things it just gets worse so such a contrast to the way you live you know just going out to smoke a cigarette and you can't like you're afraid you're going to burn someone cuz you sublet your personal space it's right I'm walking that close to you try to get in the door jamb just so you don't burn a fucking pedestrian with your cigarette just no way out of like there's no way of finding that out either unless they make it so outrageously expensive that literally they are trying maybe that's a crazy thing is so many people want to be there and there's so many people there that they could just keep jacking the rents up and jacking the for the real estate payments up

what I was saying about Ted Nugent you were saying about Tom Leykis and a lot of these other people it's

it's it it's really easy to write somebody off you know it's really the right people off I'm trying to do less of that cuz like I'm trying to get to a point like when do you let someone when you look like one because it's like you had someone that this is some random person was gone everybody does a person like that some people it's a hardcore Lefty Jordan Peterson was at him or something more controversial like Ben Shapiro or Steven Crowder when those guys but none of them are Nazis you know it Jordan Peterson is much more of a Centrist than anything he's not right he's he's like

morva they caught you know where classical classic liberal is know that idea instead of collective until the set of a group instead of identifying with the group of whatever no matter what it is treat people as individuals and he's a big proponent of personal responsibility and treating people as individuals and because of that and because of some of the things you said about there trying to enforce pronouns for transgender people ones that they made out like a bunch of them there was a bill that was a human rights violation of Human Rights Council in Canada and it was slippery slope you can't you can't compel people to use made up words you can't just decide that you're going to make up a bunch of gender pronouns and they get people say that some people are saying that there's like 78 of them apparently that Facebook accepts

think there's a c h i r z i r e there's like you're picking on trans people he's like no I'm not I fully support your right to be a trans person I just don't want to use these bloody made up words is what he was saying and he felt like this is a slippery slope too controlling people's behavior and starts like this and they shame you into thinking their way and there's a group that part of it involved

so because of that he got so lumped into this all right idea that he's the guy who hates transgender people see who the real person is he got to see this surface all he's been No Nonsense guy I'll take them and that's what they do with him I go he's the guy who hates transgender folks like you would never know candidates true intentions if they were a good candidate if they were a crafty politician they would I would go out and say whatever the fuck if yeah if it works for Trump I'll do it better and I'll say shit like that and then I'll just be lying here and then you go in and got just kidding and then you do the right thing yeah I was kind of hoping Trump would I think you could manipulate his ego to a point where you could get them to do your bidding

just by saying oh you're getting good numbers by doing this and the left hates this so yeah you should legalize marijuana and then he would we wouldn't need logic he just need to have his ego fed any do all the right things I think that's when he's holding in his back pocket to legalize marijuana I think as we get closer to to the election I think he makes marijuana federally legal to give me does that the Stoners just fucking raise their arms in the air and then go fuck it I'm going with Trump you just know how much that'll change the world just that I know a lot of people complained it didn't vote so who

I don't think I voted

I know I was I was you know I did cuz I always security card number. You can do it on your phone you knew for sure and that it's most people have a laptop with a camera or webcam or somewhere and you just do that fucking vote that way that wouldn't be hard to do they would be able to come up with software that can read your face no Fitzhugh lot of good laptops even have fingerprint sensors now you can vote on Bill y22 they want is difficult and confusing as possible to keep it this convoluted Maga to take time off of work then why you just go

what is this what do we do they don't want like Smooth Sailing everything sorted out everybody doing well now they want like you were saying how your town Works cuz you got left and right they want they want to look just a little while you get a bait camp people wearing sidearms at Safeway I just just cuz they can you get that Jennifer redneck it's not a Trump versus Hillary and obviously that small town There's no like black lives matter rallies but it put that people still go out and protest for the red for Ed for the teacher saying and see that side on think and work in a limited amount of people

you know if you're walking around

Midtown Manhattan and bumping into people are where you got a gun right here that's just not going to work you know if you're if you're a guy is in Arizona are you just worried about some

can a wild drug smugglers coming across the border and shooting up your your city you got to worry about that don't you like people bitching about their going to prison in our community Escape they're not going to be in Justice and insure a misquoting Carlin but something to that effect but you see undocumented aliens get it I'll confiscated weed out of a feel false bottom fake gas tank is a checkpoint I know guys who've been camping on the border camping near the border on the US side and had run-ins with people who were coming across they said he got some of them got real sketchy

because that's basically the coming across like constantly all the time and you just if you were there I'll give you guys want to a deer hunting trip and they just said they were just running into people all the time they were looking for water they were looking at ghetto people leave water out where they they come across every other house in our neighborhood that has humanitarian Aid is never a crime cuz you're not supposed to fucking leave water out in the desert in case how much dying you're not supposed to tell you not to I don't know exactly what the law is but it is placards just like every election is vote for mayor of Joe and vote for bill for city council that is humanitarian Aid is never a crime but I don't know what the law was or what exactly but that's a dark Shipton Town people don't give him water

water that people have left in the desert and then laughing about like fuck you you to see the border patrol agent that ran over the guy that was a video that just came out last week now I did shut off reservations and the car is coming right at he's coming right at me and then fucking hit some turns around and he got it all on tape the guy that he actually hit off

Jesus Christ a fucking asshole see a lot of people assholes gravitate just like child molesters gravitate towards preschool teacher and priest fucking assholes gravitate towards coppin

boom is that him standing up

and now laying down after the border patrol fucking runs over his crazy

that is crazy

I can't like I have a hard time I'll get into going down a bad cops and fucking shit like that I mean you are making a decision to shatter a person's body probably forever you're hitting some of that hard with up with a truck that guy's got probably everything Pride Broken Arrow Road like he did it on purpose purpose

yeah I have too much hate in my life where I get it sometimes I just have to ignore shit is it just wake up in the morning and I get on Newser and I clicked on fucking cop throws a guy through play classic beatings and

I I know I've said this a hundred times but it's worth repeating I don't think most people are qualified to be cops I think it's a really fucking hard job but I think the pressure of it fucks people up even if they did go into that job if they gravitated towards it cuz they were bullies which I'm sure a certain percentage do I think for most of them is just a good job and they think I can pull it off I met a lot of cops are good guys but I think the pressure of that job and being shot out all the time and worrying every time you pull somebody over here to get shot and everybody seen those videos of people pulling people over and they pull out a gun and kill the cop is one that's haunting Manny guy pulls over this Vietnam vet and he starts he starts screaming for the guy to get back in the car and the guy pulled out a rifle in the guy just start shooting at him and he gets hit and he's screaming just almost

and the guy just keep shooting the cop while all this is happening and the guys like screaming for his life on this guy's just gonna come down like mad tell me the cops haven't seen is there all fucked up and it's it becomes almost like a game in the game is I'm trying to score on you it's like you're doing you're playing one-on-one basketball are you doing Jiu-Jitsu or something try to score at somebody and ask cuz I think you're up to something no good let me see spread your legs when you check your body what's going on a car what are you got what's this what we got it or if you don't get it and so you go looking for things to be wrong and that person becomes the enemy just like you push people on a fucking football field around the other team that's what you're doing to the people that you're supposed to be protecting and serving you they become the enemy they become the thing you're trying to score on and it just stupid monkey games stop playing around people's head and I think almost nobody qualified for that I know of very few good like Big John McCarthy the UFC ref

he's a cop fucking greatest guy ever want to meet the nicest guy ever please also a big giant dude who's not intimidated by people as a good way to calm people down relaxing people very normal and he's a cop its whole life stop for many many years it's just a fucking impossible job bent everyday you're dealing with crime everyday your deal with murder you deal with people beating their wives you deal with kids get hit by car to deal with just don't put the most horrible shit cop came to two Super Bowl parties in consecutive years the night before when we had a big party on the Saturday night and came for noise complaints two years in a row the first time he walked in Christine Levine was on stage 2 her act and you can hear everything in my neighborhood just speaking and she's on a microphone doing a bit about my

what is three kids my pussy looks like it's swallowed a dog that chewed its way out and I know every fucking neighbor 30 houses that can hear this over there TV that's hilarious and the cops but that cop came twice and I would like that I'd see him at Safeway and friendly I want Bingo and I had a brief break up

the cop came to my house I'm sitting in the front house and I see cop walking and I'm like that's fucking officer Bob friendly and came in and goes hey I know it's none of my business but I heard you going through a tough time and I just wanted to see if you're okay I like that is fucking cool and now he he comes over all the time and wow that is yeah that's the benefit of the 5000 person Tower that's not a homeless guy that's broke. More because you travel so much because you get to go back to that and this is home and home is this quiet cool place filled with artists and farmers and just weirdos and shit you're always like now you're in Dublin now you're in London now you're in San Francisco now you're in you know you're always moving around so much that you get a beautiful Taste of everything and then this is

I also I'm I rarely go out I go to Safeway everyday if I don't even if I don't need it it's my thing I wake up and I go to Safeway and find what what's what's good discount meat I love a bargain in the discount meats and other than that I don't go out I don't go to bars I have a bar in my house people I know they come over to my house and we hang out there so you got an interesting set up man whenever I listen to your podcast I'm like this is just fascinating set up but I love and I see a thousand people all in one night that I've known you over the years but I don't hate anyone she's funny and she's not funny like I would I would be if I live there if I was a regular like everyone else at The Comedy Store yeah then I'd have my beef stew

what days is that interesting but I'm just backed into that again now I'm really happy to see everyone but I don't go out I don't get involved in their fucking Petty squabbles and everyone's cuz even when I am there for a long time I don't leave the house I don't go out and

so I don't have to take sides I'm a very fucking I know you're saying about avoiding conflict but honestly The Comedy Store these days is is almost conflict-free it's never been there before it's like this super super supportive Community it's very different and I should be headlining that place and they won't give me this I don't have to deal with

yeah but don't believe I live there but there's nothing I just have a house there that I show up to and say I live in busy to be funny if you only dress like this on the show and then you immediately the show's over. Can't wait to get dressed for my golf tee off in an hour and then you put on like a polo shirt and a fat Rolex I also need ice and pajamas that's it that's it I don't have the marriage become ridiculous suit guy like what year did you just given to the ridiculous suit what special it was I got done this occasionally throughout the years and I used to wear a Santa hat for a while and then I wish it sometimes just cuz I was bored like Muslim prayer roads on stage so where were you getting these ridiculous

vintage 70 sportcoat and I just happen to find a pair of yellow pants that match that perfectly really looking for I can put a whole suit together and I like all right and then I realize White Shoes going everything should white loafers that's all we only interest I have are we hit all the thrift stores in in the town and try to find good sushi that's it

yeah you mean you don't know who that is why I do these eBay yard sales every couple years and I sell all the suits I'm tired of cuz my closet is fucking buckling wow what a weird thing to collect you've been doing this as long as I am you get a cool poster like Yeah Yeah Yeahs tour poster and yeah I like that but as the years go on you just building up clutter in your crawl space and you only have so many pictures of yourself around fans will send me artwork like the portrait state did of me and I'm like what what what I'm going to put up more pictures of me and my house like he comes over and it's just some fucking Museum of you that's why you got to buy the house to The Landing Strip just turn into the Doug Stanhope Resort

would you like a tour poster that's good move cuz I got to get on the mailing list of Doug Stanhope. Com cuz we're doing another so what are you doing out there auctioning stuff off just put it all on eBay and, Doug Stanhope yard sale nice

yeah that's right you don't want to throw the stuff away can you give it to the thrift store don't know what that they're so you wearing a bunch of different people's clothes if live different weird lives and don't think about how many like the kind of clothes are buying you're buying like guys were getting pussy in the 70s you know like that's the kind of questions about how do you wear in this polyester under Hot Lights you can only imagine how bad fucking had to smell in the seventies someone was dancing all night at The Studio 54 and still blowing and sweating and then fucking in a bathroom with all their pubes on it and no deodorant deodorant like back that was terrible Right Guard aerosol that's what I grew up with

never ever thought there's going to be a giant hole in the ozone layer from Hairspray the hole in the ozone layer like apparently this big hole above Australia Australia is it bad I just saw the skin cancer and do something different right I think there's a hole over there damage of the largest Antarctic ozone hole ever recorded at the South Pole September 2006 layers of the atmosphere not to scale your is ozone layer is mainly found in the lower portion the stratosphere from approximately 20 to 30 km ozone depletion so there's a whole Australia yeah yeah been haven't been in a while though last time I did Melbourne had it had a great time I had it how they make you say it Melvin Melvin

I like sitting down sitting there to that I speak wow Tasmania I read that I just did a couple weeks there and April and I read it it's called the Fatal Shore and it's like this 700-page history of Australia and it's fucking brutal though it's crazy it's absolutely brutal time they started shipping the prisoners in boats for months waiting to be shipped to a camp is just brutal after brutal and then of flogging until the skin fell off his back and then

and I need you do an interview where they got people need comedy in these times cuz they're worse than ever I go if you read your fucking history Trump is not the fucking worst thing ever what do you look at your own fucking history they did some dark shade to the Aborigines to think they did they took average the kids away from their parents they tried to raise them with the white families he didn't like the 1950s I think they were telling me about it when I was there I know it was one of them jaw-dropper conversations with people talking like like they stole people's babies and raise them as white kids because they didn't think the Aborigines knew what they were doing so they just said you don't know how to raise that kid give me that kiss like the Foster system the idea would be that someone it would either have to go to jail or some of the be murdered or something you don't ever think that sometimes right I guess it does

happened right if someone's a drug addict or criminal that they'll take your kid away and put in foster care but this is just taking your kid away because you're an aborigine which if if their society thinks that's a bad way what's wrong with a drug addict I know a lot of stuff it's his levels that is level 2 drug addict directions to have hundreds of languages do they speak different language you'll you'll be in what they call a mob they call themselves mobs like a try but the mob and you'll have a ma but they'll be another ma bats 30 km away and they speak a totally different language you don't know what the fuck they're saying and there's another one over there in the most of it's not even written down there's hundreds and hundreds of them and they're all over that mean it's it's an amazing strange culture like that the culture of the Aborigines Australia my friend Adam Adam Greentree he he runs a mining company in Austria

Johnny works with a lot of the Aboriginal people that get get some jobs and gets to understand their culture and talk time he's told me some just insane shit about how these people have lived and they've been there forever you know they've been there for a long time all living in these little tribes is little moms

crazy yeah they would have no structures when they first showed up over there the Aborigines were basically packs and then basically cut and burned as much as they could in an area and they didn't have houses they had no like they just move on yeah yeah and they were living like essentially like how Native Americans were maybe in the 1400 and 1500 probably even more simply right I mean I wonder

I registered they were busy that's why I retain so little I read the book and I have two days later I have like three facts that I probably have two of them wrong but I'm terrified of the fucking everybody scared of the Mowry's everybody scared of just New Zealand people are very fierce fierce people but it's a crazy to think that those two places particular Australia was a prison Colony essentially

free for England I mean that's that's how they treated it it was it when I was fucking slavery is what I thought it was white slavery cuz that's the whole idea was to make these prisoners build this into a documentary on the crazy thing is the weather is way better than anyone only fucking England would use the beautiful place as a fucking penal colony I can't wait to get back to fucking Shropshire Hand by the sea or it's fucking 48° and gloomy and shity glue and everybody's just shower and our me while you're in the Gold Coast of Australia jumping in the water having a martini on the beach the weather is perfect yeah but then there was no fucking plumbing and it was hard to find clean water to drink everything kills you included jellyfish that's what the most fun

stop the goddamn jellyfish kill you jelly fish saltwater crocodiles are there always catching sharks sharks all over the place the outside water just surrounded with great whites sharks saltwater crocodile kill spiders brown snakes but the people are cool as fuck they like some of the standard cheer whoa whoa that crocodile the capture why in the fuck man

it's 60 years old how many people have that thing eaten but that thing's eating at least the show it's called Uncharted and his name is Jim Shockey and professional hunter from Canada they hired him to go to Africa to shoot these crocodiles were killing all these people that live in this Village while they were there someone got snatched and taken by a crocodile and like so you're seeing everyone of the village is missing an arm or they have to take

but this is nuts like these people are always in fear of getting eaten everywhere they go to fear of getting eaten by these Nile crocodiles you know 13 14 ft long is crab and people and pull them underwater I really want to go to the Outback train them to train so once called the gas can that goes from Adelaide all the way up to Darwin and then they have another that goes all the way from Perth to Sydney and I really want to just do a train trip goes in the middle that is like most of the town is underground cuz it gets that hot it's a hundred and twenty degrees so they built the town underground at Vancouver right right right it's not the weird shit and you could drive for hours and hours and I've seen nothing in Australia what did a lot of these guys they get those snorkels

cars and it's not for going underwater it's just cuz the amount of dirt you have to drive through hell yeah yeah you want to have one of a snorkel like high above your car so that you're getting cleaner are extended gas tanks to get these Giant gas tanks put on cuz I know they're going to be driving for 15 16 hours without seeing a gas station. Fuc man that's why I thought the train yeah it's a weird place man Australia's one of the last weird places there's 20 million people in the entire country and it's the same size as the contiguous United States dirt it's all dirt and is only 20 million people less than live in LA live in this one huge country

I love it it's like a small town but a country like the same proportions what do I go to that one I just sent it sounds like a weird place to go I want to go to the Galapagos Galapagos Islands or some of his research compiling his theories on Evolution but apparently

crazy tropical island that's the trying so hard to keep it from being touched and influence by people that every time people go over there you have to clean off their shoes off the track the what's the fucken go back in time the butterfly effect. Spread all across that the world I'm going to know we shouldn't do it on purpose and foolishly but that mean a lot of how life got spread is just things picking things up and carry them in their shit and dropping them off there and it's Germs and Steel that's really how everything gets spread we're just doing it on a larger scale cuz we use planes and boats and like Hawaii everything on Hawaii or something somebody brought over everything like this like some birds that used to live there and some bugs you know and everything else all the different Wild by all the animals I just been brought over there

Hawaiian stimulant who the fuck are you

that's silly I what would you do without the tourist yeah you should make money off a macadamia nut farm they she's going to be out selling fucking not somewhere

oh she never she never I think I told you she called me again and goes I am ready to do rogue we've been going back and forth podcast she's we're going to do it it's just going to take time you know I told this is what I told her I said she said like she contact me the dishes I'm ready to do it whenever you are I said you just tell me when and we'll do it and they were trying to find time in Salt Lake City yeah it was a little bit and then you know she's just trying to figure out when's the right time and she said she wants to do her own YouTube channel and she's she's upset it everybody and I felt like

you know she's just a lot of married what you saying you know that I really do think she got fucked over I think I'd really do think she made a joke about a woman that she didn't know was black and a woman whose I think she's only one eighth black right is that what you mean yeah she does not talk to her on the phone afterwards I really fucked up and I honestly didn't think she was black and then she goes did you ever do and being I go that's exactly why I stopped doing Ambien and I'm sure that's why she tweeted that where I like to talk about this on Rogan cuz Rogan spends time you can explain stuff stop fucking tweeting yeah sweet where she goes I like to take an Ambien yeah you drink on Ambien and your fuck and I can tell you a million stories of normal people fucking you know Judy Brown

her husband Steve barmel almost had a plane grounded cuz he a flight he took an Ambien and had a couple of bourbons and then just started going fucking batch it has no recollection of it and I've done stuff that was like minor where I just had a very lucid business conversation with Hannigan after I take an Ambien on my like a light night of drinking for me would 6 or 7 beers and I went to bed and then I get got up 15 minutes later and went out and had this very lucid business conversation that I don't remember at all and I brought it up to him the next day something we were going to talk about he goes we talked about this last night

you seemed very completely normal wow Kevin James he made dinner he went downstairs made his own dinner cooked it ate it went back to bed got up in the morning and was like who the fuck hooked and then they're there like you did he was like oh yeah you did look like you you cook this like what the fuck you told me her brother and his buddy took some ambiens had a minor amounts of cocktails woke up on a lawn in a neighborhood they didn't know where they were she needs it was lucid business that could have been me driving my car into someone's front fucking porch yeah I swore it off my mom said that she took it and no booze just took the Ambien and Wanda badger

lying on a bathroom carpet in on the little bathroom rugs to drawing I would like lipstick and nail polish doesn't have any recollection of doing it just drawing on it like a little kid what would they call the nail polish to start

it's a weird that it's called hypnotic that's what they said that they called that that category of drugs the other thing is like she was she's got serious mental illness yeah she's on a bunch of different medications while she's got legit multiple personality disorder she's talked about it and I don't think they call it multiple personality disorder anymore I think they have a new name for it but just annoyed and sending fucking mental illnesses come on man it's like this is what it is it is multiple personality disorder which is a bunch of different people and you know if you talk to people that have been around her and see or switch from personality personality you realize like oh you know a lot of this also came from head trauma she's one of several comedians that became a different person because it had trauma think she was hit by a car as well Sam Kinison same thing hit by a car and also the other shoes in a car accident

disassociative identity disorder that's what they're calling it now. She also can't fucking tell the difference between Twitter and a green room because if every single comic like was recorded the dark shit that we say in green rooms because we're comics and we say the worst possible things to make each other laugh cuz you go to that you say all the wrong words and your fucking ugly fucking teeth or you're fatter you're fucking stupid and she walked into the green room and said that about that lady laughing laughing special

tell Rose I got fired and I was like who is this lady

interesting she's a Muslim Brotherhood and and then Rosanna said that she thought she was Jewish I was like okay if you were going to act like she was black I thought you was I looked at the picture I go well yeah the fucking that's it that's not up cut-and-dry 1/2 years of Roseanne's tweets she just says fucking insane stuff that makes no sense all the time she said that Susan Rice she said she was a great big ape with no emano she's a man with giant swinging 8 Balls

this is like 5 years ago and then 5 years later they give her that said, can't believe she's acting crazy

completely fault ABC seed a fucking cash cow that we can make a lot of money by giving a toddler a pistol you know what else you said she felt like she was being removed she felt like she was being removed from the creative process to a bunch of things going on even before this and that this was like that one of the final steps but that they were she was having a hard time with the whole process and she's definitely having a hard time with being overworked she's like I am all the writers room wouldn't be a bad idea to do an episode about her thinking that everything is the Illuminati that's fucking gold, be there at 2 so much there I had to explain to her Chemtrails but the thing is the different than anybody I've ever talked to about these kind of wacky conspiracy theories when I explain to her what it what how those clouds are made she went okay

Just Let It Go like most of them don't fucking Let It Go if you tell them that well you see those planes are spraying over had to go nuts does the heat of the engine the condensation the atmosphere is actually creating a cloud it's just the water vapor and it mixes with the heat of this engine it makes clouds tall it is Roseanne just goes cia's admitted it it's one of the hardest things in the world when you get a stupid conspiracy theory in your head it's one of the hardest things the world's to just go. My people shit it might be bullshit what's your what's your latest favorite conspiracy theory I've dropped off the map the favor one that I believe in you man I don't have a good one that I believe in are there new ones that people are there's always new ones everything everything so God damn conspiracy this like constantly everything that everybody does what's a good one Jamie what's a good reason

conspiracy theory

the Russian stuff but I can't why can't make fucking heads or tails this rush it I every time I read the Muir documents on my reading what's been reported and who's getting indicted and I'm like this is too much too much too early just asked for a hundred blank indictments yesterday oh my God oh my God hundred what is there a restaurant that the judge has the judges step down has to Trump his son is Trump's Banker from Deutsche Bank

cheese

it's too much to text I'll look in okay of your Trump and Kim Jong ill and Dennis Rodman is the new all the newest one is the new fake Melania Trump it since the new body double double anymore if you called Alex Jones who could you tell us about it

is it true what does it say okay you're a new pics of Melania Trump reignite conspiracy conspiracy theory she's using a body double

supposed to be her and 2017 okay

what website is this by the way I look weird I think of you scroll lower

Thomas video

I think we have an answer to why Melania was missing so much lately look closely

yeah it does look like her

Vincent only in this that me that does not look like only in this presidency would this be something that we would think about only this is the only like we're like man that ain't even his wife this is a body double for this chick on Tinder like what's going to happen at what point of people going to stop being completely befuddled that he said something stupid

Stormy Daniels got arrested yesterday yeah that's it that's that's an undercover cop

was it she was touched undercover cop or she allow the undercover cop to touch her I believe that but what I read from her attorney last night on Twitter is that she just has the same show or whatever but performance has been doing all over the country it's like that's what she does that she was going to do it so it's almost to set up for some weed the law it said the law was that you can't touch someone in an adult establishment unless it's a family member that's so like you walked over to Jamie and rub his back you go to jail

unless we're related we haven't done a 23andMe appears nude or semi-nude or sexually-oriented business is prohibited from touching patrons except for family members so there goes the charges were dismissed according to court documents he was like RoboCop was like a fucking Trump fan plan by the White House that's a that's a plan by one fucking Yahoo with a with a three different Maga hats at home and you know how fucking Thorne an issue which is my favorite when they were they call him POTUS and I like they like with posted this like

she did this it's Trump As Trump we got to stop that's one syllable not only that it's like this what kind of here in the first place

Daniel's remove what okay then probation affidavit obtained by CNN detectives who are the sirens gentlemen's club said they observe Daniels remove her top and forced patrons face into her chest Force yeah well she's a monster not like she did that to train killer with a gun to a cop on keeping a regular guy the guy who makes his living stop in crime and she dropping them in there there's nothing we can do about it nothing you can do he couldn't go hey stop another me to when officers witness those activities 3 detective approach to Stage Daniels allegedly made her way towards the two detectives leaned over and grab their faces she shoved each of their faces between her breasts court documents said come on

locked up as the officer's face with her breast I can't believe that she would officers buttocks and breasts according to the document and then Force the officer's head between her breasts and smack the officer's face with her breast imagine arresting somebody for that you fucking lazy civil servant Leach Leach this money that could have gone to schools as money could have got a Fifth Street somebody could have gone to all sorts of good things in the community but you least it you fucking snail just creeped over got that lady to touch you and arrested her well I did get $6,000 bail yeah but you the charges were dismissed doesn't she get that money back check Euless fucking ridiculous

Destiny what you're saying but this is cops some of them are awesome some of them are awesome and it just get a certain small percentage over there ruin it for everybody it doesn't even have to be 1% with 1% of cops out there shooting kids minutes less than that because it's it's less than its not even everyday I write a cop doing something fucked up Julia cuanto week millions of interactions these cops have with people I mean every day something's going wrong all over the country so much pulling someone over that hasn't gone on something or someone over there is an expired license or stolen property or they're just constantly dealing with people it's amazing that these police yes yes yeah the most certainly an outsider right mean that was how they used to be like the cops if you were in you know in New Jersey in the night

70s the cop that was patrolling the neighborhood lived in the neighborhood by name yeah I told me a story about where you had to do a welfare check and a house and he's forced entry and he's yelling hello some older guy that could have been fucking dead and he's expecting to to find a corpse when no one's answering and he gets up the staircase and it gets halfway around and a guy with patio half dementia holding a fucking 45 on them and he has to make that split-second decision to draw his gun and shoot any just duck the other way Hayward just here to make sure you're okay and he was like that close to taking a fucking bullet in the head just trying to make sure a neighbor isn't dead and you

you getting some fucking hairy predicaments could you imagine shooting old guy in his house cuz he thinks he's protecting his house for burglars and you're just there to check to see if he's all right you want to shoot them in the head and you know this just the amount of days in a year and the amount of interaction they're going to have with violence it's just too much for most people's brains almost everybody's brain it's almost like being on the front lines for 20 years so if you're in you know Detroit or south side of Chicago or somewhere terrible neighborhood with a deal with crime all-time Camden some like that answers protect their own fucking bad apples only need to see one fucking Wormhole run of YouTube Bad Cop videos with people that are protecting those car

Jeff so yeah you got a fucking give up your weak links what is the documentary Jamie the 7-5 that what it is is that what it's called for sure 75th precinct did you ever see that Michael Dowd is a documentary about a crooked cops in New York New York had they were just running thing selling drugs and into planning to do hits on people like whoa

is it really

fuck that's a good documentary Nick depalo turn me on to that that's a good goddamn documentary I thought they only did stand-up comedy on Netflix now. What is it now the Wild Wild Country have you seen no I haven't seen that I just got back on Netflix I've been out of the country for 4 months basically but I just watched Evil Genius about the pizza bomber documentary you watch could have been a third shorter yeah but with the neck bomb and it's fucking head blows off they send them into a bank and they still don't really know if he was involved he wasn't involved but is it really good documentary

yeah there's a there's a what's the wild wild west wild wild country is about a sex called that took over a town in Oregon for that that's the one I was looking for but I know it was bhagwan shree rajneesh and I'd like to search even know how to spell that I wouldn't even know how to spell that enough for Google to correct it did you know about this whole thing before the documentary series came out about it I never heard about it in-depth and I've heard it's a fucking brilliant documentary but I didn't know the name it's I just said bhagwan shree rajneesh.

I just called OSHA which is what they call him later right but it's

I didn't know it happened I never I never heard that this was a thing that there was a whole town that gotten taken over by this wacky call I never heard of a peep about it so when this documentary series came out it says what when was this is how I remember the name but I didn't know the details I didn't know the other the criminal element of it I just it I think that the Reverend something Moon somebody's I just remembered exist

wasn't that Steve hasson guy the guy that's the cult expert isn't that what he was in wasn't he in the Moonies when he wanted up leaving was that what it was

they found him when he was in college and recruited him there's a guy who say he's an anti cult educator and he was in one he got roped into one when he was in college

well he's at he's Jewish unification Church what is that Muniz yeah I think it was the Moonies I think the unification church is sung on the moon's Church see if that's true

is it yeah so he was he was roped up with them when he was in college and he got rescued his family members have to get the whole story but one of Alex Jones ever does that look that up is that true no it's not I don't think he does you can't believe that

I just can't believe I never heard about that whole story until it went down or did until the documentary series went down I never heard that story I just died it's almost like I was living in an alternative Universe. I slipped disc they took over whole town house and this is what I was a grown adult this is in the late 80s like how the fuck did I not know about this

well I guess it's fucking Scientology did with Clearwater basically did they took over the clothes clothes but this these people took over all these Mormons in Salt Lake how did I know when you see it you realize the scope of it we see the old home movies you really like the whole town they took this whole they had his Ranch and they said they couldn't have the ranch they couldn't turn into this town they couldn't develop on it the way they wanted to cuz they were recognizing that these people were becoming like a giant called that was next door noise people are moving in and so they said all really okay we'll just would stop buying the houses in this town and knock on everybody's door and go out how much you sell your house for his tiny little house or Tylo town so it just like a Bisbee type place to start buying everybody's house and then they start shipping in homeless people they shipped in homeless people and took care of them to the homeless people would vote dude the whole thing is they let anybody join

bus you can join and they drove them out there to Utah and then they create thousands of thousands of people and they took these people and then they they made him a part of the community and they use them for voting and they took over this town it's fucking crazy man while you're watching it you just like how is this not mainstream news that this house is not like Jonestown Massacre it so it seems almost more impressive less people died but I don't know the dark element of that that's what I don't remember I know that way they did some fun things can I do not want to watch it amazing and it went amazing as they got so much footage you could see what these guys would like a carry and machine guns they took over the police force they call it the peace for us but they're all got fucking semi-automatic rifles and share in the west from Warren Jeffs Colorado City Utah He's a Mormon right he's there

is from prison family still somewhat do they get him on to get him on polygamy wife one of his wives child rape false prophet something Prophet do you know that that's the whole reason why I'm Mitt Romney's family from Mexico

did you know that Mitt Romney's family moved to Mexico back when they made polygamy legal in Utah yeah. What is this an exclusive look inside the compound Warren's Jeff shared with 79 Sister Wives who is hashtag Ballin

79 hits home boy with 79 wives ugly as fuck

they got out she's in a documentary The Mitt Romney Clan they moved to Mexico when they started putting all these restrictions on them and United States like no polygamy super super Mormons when they were his parents I don't know but when they initially established that sect they moved to Mexico specifically to avoid the laws of the United States and there's several of them there's more than one family there we have to fight off the car tell if there was a vice piece on it fucking crazy man these people they saved their armed to the tits wandering around their compound they got fucking barbed wire fences everywhere and they're worried about the cartel coming in

and they get kidnapped and they have to pay Ransom and everybody knows have money is fucking crazy man that's bit Robbie's parents polygamists versus the cartel yeah I forget the name of the Vice piece just meet Mitt Romney's Mexican Mormon family drug cartels versus Mormons at the 7-part series oh that's what it's called it's fucking wild so they go over to Mexico and hang out with these people you go to Mexico and they have this enormous Mormon community in Mexico fortified me about

you have some viral piece snapping on immigration in anyone will take away their baby yeah it was just me and Duncan talk on a podcast about how crazy is a people like up should be broke the law don't follow me don't listen to me why I said it you sure you're not on the team like the team of humans like if we're going to act as a country you know the thought is we're going to act as a country that all think we're going to help each other we're going to support each other we going to look for the values of community from these team members there on his team together but if someone's like truly broke law losing their kid should have broke the law like how the fuck you going to let some like that on the team but this is the way it was described to me last night was that you were telling a lot of your fan base to fuck off and I don't know if you're getting what I'm getting

is a lot of fucking Maga a fucking Nazi type shyt heads like I've also like you the same way people can be offended at a buzzword without hearing the whole bit because you said cunter retarders have them that they just completely tuned out and walk out without hearing the the context of the whole piece of material the same way people can become attracted to you because you said yo faggot Jew right right right right without hearing the context of the pit and I'm having to force people like I don't want you as a fan I have enough fans I love my little niche base and you can go away and I like the Libertarians I have to distance myself from them because that was always a split of yo

civil Libertarians and legalize drugs and that versus snake handling homeschooling Christian types that don't want the government involved in them raising three kids that's right right right but now it's like it seems like all the good parts are now just like we have to vote Democrat and the bad parts of the Libertarians are the whole now I lean the libertarian not the party but the ethic Eileen that way but I'm not calling myself a Libertarian anymore cuz it's a bunch of fucking Nazis not all of them but I'm saying a lot of people have become like the good parts have left

I think there's just a problem with groups whenever you have groups you're going to have The Fringe and when you have the friends with a French stupid or The Fringe radical right or The Fringe radical after they started to find the group and they paint it and if you have a group that anybody can join like you have libertarian ideas yes I do I support a lot of libertarian philosophy could become a Libertarian you would you be with us you know you know Dave Smith at all from Legion of skanks Dave Smith from New York, from New York so legitimate libertarian I'm sure you did you do the skanks in Legion of skanks

yeah but I think it was without big J I don't know how was I should I was promoting my book so I was doing like 80 on the details I know those kind of podcast I think there's no you know what I'm not going to fucking smoke in his Studio this time and I'm not going to drink it's working here I am but with the smoke things working it's not bad at all on here right it's pretty good way better than it would be if there was no no fan thing what the fuck were we just talking about David Smith identifying as a right-wing identifying as a left when I did so many people that identify you should just grab those ideas for 70 machine

yeah immigration in your pro of your pro-choice you have to be laughing like there's the right wing people to go pro choice I get attacked that's one of those weird things where I think racism will stop them overturning Roe versus Wade case is well but not for all these Mexicans having all these kids

I might be the only way

right I wish I was on Frankie Boyle show and I was saying that the that's the only way that Trump would overturn gun control gun control laws is because school shootings of the only time he's not on CNN all the dye out of school yard before CNN stops talking about him for a minute steals is Airtime

not getting their time to talk about these dead kids get me back on TV even if they had a story about a school shooting they would have Russia scrolling across the bottom the scroll across the bottom is like the ultimate insult to your attention span look I know you can't pay attention to just what's on the screen stupid so I want to give you some extra data about the stock market I leave for you up here you know how much money you're losing constantly and if all the sticker tape of sadness and despair below you the stocks to have a business manager and some of its invested some different things but I don't pay attention to it. The friend of mine talked me into

and I get it like every couple months my stock broker cost. It's Stevia for I want to make some moves and like last time I actually wrote down he'll just start spewing the jargon what I put them on speaker phone in the van are you on top of a desk like Wolf of Wall Street as you celebrate this bullshit cuz I have no idea what you're talking about

but it's fun White Sox like I think it was like in everything terrible like Philip Morris and crafts and because I can I have can the craft beer I I love Kraft macaroni and cheese could that be my stock I got yeah you can look it up in the USA Today to see if it went up or down

yeah that that's tobacco money and you smoke cigarettes you should be allowed to invest in tobacco I'd Pfizer stock in cigarettes

trying to pay attention to that too on top of all the other shit you're supposed to be paying attention to supposed to be paying attention to stocks and bonds and up and down and stopped paying attention cuz I get these calls where he's moving it into this and I don't know and then I have to fucking look up it's up or down and I'll give you shit working on your act and if you were you working on that you're even to your podcast you working on your act to get ready to go on the road you going over your material how much fucking time do you have to pay attention to the stock market and really know what you're investing in really doing a research on the cops out of course it's crazy is higher than this number this is no fucking time Douglas there's no.

you going to know what there's no time cuz you do a lot of shit and you're very ambitious stew and a two and almost pathological extent where I have all the fucking time in the world and I'm always riddled with anxiety like I can't I do nothing but I can enjoy it it's not like I'm relaxed like I should be doing all the time to where I'm paralyzed in bed cuz I don't know what it is they should be doing I know there's something but I think if you do more things that feeling goes away I could do like you do things that your you like really tuned into things that are like require your attention then the anxiety of not doing things goes away then just becomes a matter of doing nothing after this week by the time this ere's it'll be Monday and I will be retired and I do this as often as I can every

few years I quit comedy in my mind where I just I have nothing on the books I have no dates booked now I don't have an act I ever used this act in every fucking English-speaking place that I've done you're all of the US and now I've done everything International I've done fucking expats in Vietnam of heard this fucking act and I have to start from scratch and that you had that we talked about this you're starting a new hour at through those who have that moment and mentally I can do anything in the world right now I can just I can fuck off I could write another book or I could but as I have no commitment. Just having that and I still won't enjoy it cuz I'll just sit there anxiety-filled God I should do something but we're always looking for a break we're always looking for that moment of relaxation I'm on my way just but sometimes your

brain is wired nothing I don't want to have a gig booked a fucking year from now so what is it when you do that do feel good I can make it a few months I'm not I'm not a person who needs to be on stage but I can not do that but I have to do to Ford know I drink too much cuz I have no reason not to have a short mimosas at 11 well that's not going to stop will you bring two books now do you write books during those periods or do you just normal times I wrote those 2 books cuz I agreed to and cash the check first to write the book I'm not a guy who does things on spec hey this is a great idea for a TV show let me write it up and Shop it around no I get the check first or I sign the contract for his door I agree to do the gig

first and then go to fuck I'm going to have to have a new hour before I do that tour

and then I start writing

but I guess I have minimal needs my shit's paid for and I don't have kids I'm not not in a pickle like you really well as far as how to manage your time manager time and manager your freedom you got it in a good place you've been very smart with money to you didn't do anything stupid and get drawn out you know

live low yeah just live Smart Buy thrift store close in a small town it's it's a good way to do it man I mean I think what I see that I don't have right now is the balance between the large numbers of people the pressure and then more down time I got feel like I don't have enough down time and then I just think I just as a person is paying attention to way my brain works I'm like this is not that healthy like I'm doing too many things like I should have last things to do it was so much fun to watch you at that what's that show you did stand up off the top of your head on the spot yeah yeah you just and I saw you do that the last time I was in town and it was fucking brilliant I go that was just you would just riffing that that's not cuz you were talking about yeah I only have like 10 minutes

like I'm trying to write a new act and I only have like 10 minutes of good material and then I watched you do 10 minutes off the fucking top of your head that was brilliant but it was really funny to see you in that back bar God yeah but I got to be fucked up to do it you want to be super high and at least two drinks then that's what you want you want to be lit if you don't want to be too late because then you go down a dump pass that doesn't really work like you want to be lit enough that you're you're lubed your Lube but you're still we still moving good you still like okay here's what's wrong with that and then you go right into it like I should just start talking just exercise those weird improvisational muscles you know but it doesn't always work my last one's not good I did the one like a month-and-a-half ago or two months ago was the last

I wasn't good I got nothing out of it sometimes just get nothing do you record that you will get these gems out of that show where you like all Jesus is my next five minutes of God it's right there I know where this goes this is going to go to that and that'll go to this and I can tie it all together boom and I record but it to get to that gym if I just did an hour and 40 minutes hammered and I there was three things usually go Bingo used to be on the road with me and she would sit in the back with a yellow legal pad and she knows my axle if I come up with some new Shield write that down in the next day in the van Gogh all you said this she said that's that's great and you don't have to listen to yourself and cringe for fucking I know what here's a thing listen yourself and cringing is good for the hours it's the best thing you can do but at the same time I hate myself so much that it's disheartening

is that what I sound like I shouldn't do this I fucking suck familiarity breeds contempt and when it's yourself to if you're going to be worth the fuck you're going to be hyper critical of yourself it's just a fact so you're watching or listening to yourself and just like shut the fuk up alone myself in Dropbox and I like just yelling at myself what do you record with your little unit that we on the road and we just bring to Mike's to podcast on that little thing because my phone just so I have them there all the time and then I listen to him on my way home that I have a ritual I listen to the set on the way home unless I don't have to like I do a sad and I'm like that was just text book that we had

the bucket autopilot that one yeah but if there was some new bit or one of those stand-up on the spot shows I listen to it all the way home and then once I get home then I'll break out the laptop then I'll start writing I just had my car I got the spark going to see what the fuck comes out of this and I feel like a lot of it is just throwing it against the wall until something sticks and if you don't if you're not there throwing shit it's not going to stick you nobody but while you're doing it like I can't believe I'm throwing all the shit but then swap a lot of times when you get so bored with a bit you know that that this any special I probably have three for this I have to do these three bits but then you're tired of them and then it I just start fucking around with it just to make it interesting for me and that's a lot of the times where you find out of this this works yeah sometimes works better right sometimes you I mean, is one of those weird things you have to do

in front of people you can you can write and you can you can get seeds but you got to plant those seeds in the dirt of the crowd does Neil does only way it's the only way I can come up with a bit and it's done when I come up with it like I know I know the promise I have a setup I got the punchline boom it's done and he can bring it to the stage and never changes but that's like one out of a hundred yeah maybe write this was my first show in the States since March I started in Southeast Asia and then Australian in Canada and then the UK and I go I know a lot of these tags are going to fucking work if I ever get back to the States yeah like this is this is not getting what it should get but it's also and there was other bitch last night was my first show in the states were like I'm really excited to see it usually it's the opposite where I go I don't know if any of this is going to work in fucking Europe

right right now it's like I can't wait to see what works like what people will get offended at that there never didn't give a fuck in Australia it's never too brutal there but that you have with the seismic shift in the political and social landscape now it really has been seismic right yeah yeah but my audience is pretty much immune to that yeah hey you can't talk about this anymore I can reinforce is your audience it reinforces our relationship with the audience is a no old will Doug will give us the real deal he'll give us a real comedy help people are scared do real comedy right now real comedy is a requires occasionally required offense you have 10 people I don't I don't I don't have a sponsor or a network that can sanction me they will fire you for anything now it's the weirdest time

River getting fired people getting fired for stomach any sense enough to get protested or having a yeah yeah it's okay I think it will be good for me well Jamie is it you that said that Kanye West that people call in the area the time we live in cancel culture does cancel this is cancel culture that everybody is just looking to catch that also do but watch how I freeze things because I don't want that fucking Nazi element in hyperbole yeah they're Nazis put a lot of people that are fuck heads I don't want that group I am not like anti me too by any means. Although I do make jokes

material that I have it's almost like the fucking me-too movement has pushed the fucking Mega people in the mic or cat like to pee so fucking move them over here that's funny yeah

it's a it's a funny time except a time of great communication for good or for bad and probably for both but there's more communication going on right now then pretty much ever any time that I could ever remember what you mean by communication information information not saying spectacular lines of thinking that lead to transform it should have said called tripe and comments that yapping on Twitter that yapping on Facebook that yapping and Instagram is more yapping it's more blog and yeah. Video yapping is more is a lot of opinion yeah Twitter feed about issue

it's funny how how

uninformed are a lot of those opinions if you question a lot of these Comics three levels below the surface how much do you really know about this issue that you're speaking about cuz I remember when I was vaguely not even political but I was really like into the libertarian thing and if you question and I was open about it listen everything I know on that subject is the bit that I did question that's just surface knowledge enough to make it funny and then I move on I'm not home studying this shit afterwards I got no enough to make a Salient point which I can stand behind but if if you had me on a panel talking about it now all I know is the bit that was the extent of my knowledge with a fist fucked joke at the end

against too much shit to know there's no way you could know most of the issues that are pressing today is no way if you have an actual job in an actual life and friends and shit you like to do there's no way so we got a bunch of people that are arguing about yet that they're not even barely informed like two days later I remember if I liked it or not and I might remember one fact from that that I can turn into a bit and then

yeah what do you think your brain is occupying like what what how do you think it's operating do you think your brain is operating at 50% of what it was when you were 21 75%

I care about a lot less right so I know how much of it is that

what I mean a lot of it is fucking alcohol and age I blame the alcohol probably as much as I should but I know people that are my age did they can't remember a fucking thing and they don't drink I think it's impossible to remember everything you know they have that thing where you can only keep a certain amount of people in your brain tall dunbar's number certain about people liking your try but 150 people and keep Intimate Relationships 250 people in your brain I bet that's the case with life experiences to I bet that's the case with information I bet that's the case but I think you only have a certain amount of data base space in your brain and I think some people really exercise is it in an expanded capacity and get it pretty impressive but they're still only room for certain amount of shit there's just if you're really paying attention to some things the other things are kind of kind of half-ass it's just

way of being a person we're not designed for you know perfect output in every single category of things that we do wear designer pay a lot of attention to some things as long as I can food shelters taking care of kind of barely pay attention other things that the chatter that yapping back and forth and people wanting to be right I mean I've watched I watch battles with Twitter battles all day long sometimes just watch these people go back and forth everybody just trying to be right

that's never happened before it was never this much does people are doing this mostly probably while they're at work by the supposed to be doing other shit like you you fucking piece of shit you fucking Nazi and I'll just type in Chevy Chase and going back and forth with each other when they're not you're not getting anything done especially because of the wind it people tweet that clip a lot and then because my name is in then they start an intellectual Twitter war which is the worst when people are using big words and fucking lots of facts and field excerpts from Smart fuck magazine in a Twitter battle that shit but when they're having these intellectual discourse is about whatever fucking climate change nationalism or immigration but they keep me in the

fucking think cuz it started with the YouTube clip so my name might handle is in there and they don't take me out of the fucking thing so I'm involved in these long threads between two assholes try to outsmart each other you're doing this on Twitter you can't have a legitimate argument that's what I told my dad that it's right if you're going to eat it all just keep tweeting crazyshit till it puts tweet and question into this fog of War fucking cleaner yeah that's the way to do it I would have flown to her house if I was Ray Donovan I would have flown and I would say keep here's more games more malt liquor or just keep it till it's completely snowed over

at least your problems

that's so true. I think most of the people that are tweeting all day aren't either don't have a job and they're just addicted to Twitter or they're at work and if just fucking off and it's supposed to be working and so this is way more engaging to them cuz they're ready stuck in this office so they're making sport out of communicating with people that make a sport out of it and it's a it's flexing their intellectual muscles because there is no trying to find a good argument to your point that makes you a fucking stupid doing it 280 words fucking all done it oh yeah I love I love Twitter trolling but when it's stupid just like fucking with people you were trolling way back in the day when you were trolling but you were trolling child molesters

yeah that's the book I made the best of it I've ever written what year was this these again when I get the aristocrats then I go you just make up the joke however you want it I just took like I took verbatim stuff I did baiting pedophiles does newest doing fucking with them that's right I almost forgot about your baiting it was like Jetta website right was no way like I'm doing it cuz I got bored with it so I was like sucking Huckleberry Finn painting the fence will get you to I asked them how can I do this I don't know how we had that much fucking time I would spend 14 hour days just trying to get a fucking phone because you get one that went halfway through in the guy fails out cuz he figures out

you're fucking with them and it's not printable and how did I have that much time I remember spending 12 hours on like free poker sites playing poker and then trolling the people cuz you have a few you can chat while you play poker and then fucking with people it's just being an asshole and how did I have 14 fucking a job I still don't have a job and I still have probably that much free time but now I'm successful you know I feel like I have to keep doing something productive while you're also wiser who realize like how much time you actually invented at invested into that versus what you got out of it you know how many how many different pedophiles did you try to contact for one of them start talking about it safe to wait for them to contact you I appoint as you have your profile set up hot talk with older men

that song was written cleverly so you do not get another fucking 13 year old kids talking to you

and just the amount of time fucking off and having fun with it was a funny story that I heard about a DEA undercover DEA agent who moved in to try to harass another undercover DEA agent and they're playing each other back and forth against each other and they didn't know that both of them are cops entire time you fucking assholes just wasted money just wasting money investigating each other

so fucking stupid both sides undercover like what the fuck man if if Trump's are talking about that but you really want to keep people around if you really want to get people on his side I think what he would do is start making drugs illegal and start saying this folks is a reason why is problem in Mexico and we talk to real Economist it really bothers you were talking about that on stage last night. No problem is the drug war make drugs legal I wish I was thinking about that but

first methods of fucking it's just such a fucking horrible drug ruthless they make a lot of that Mexico's well it's a ruthless truck but I think part of the reason why it's so fucked up is because all of it is illegal I mean that's a big part of why it so fucked up is because it's not regulated it's not measured it's the doses or not doesn't say on the box will kill you you know you can go and buy this Old Camp whiskey at any corner store right go in there by drink that whole thing drink that whole thing if you weigh 200 pounds you're dead your dad wants to know I was thinking about that if I did run for mayor I'd have a like they have the gun exchange programs of a meth exchange is best for mushrooms cheap

a really good way to approach the subject it was one of things and Hunter S Thompson said what is running for Sheriff of Pitkin County he said any drug worth taking she'll never be sold and we'll put a stocks in the middle of seat in the middle the city to lock up dishonest drug dealers what's that dress should be free I could just run arrest drug dealers I think if we made everything legal we have real problems for sure for quite a long period of time the question is whether or not you have enough resources to parent your kids to keep those problems from happening to your family or they're not you have enough self-control to keep yourself from being one of those problems and drugs become legal in accessible but then once it's settled down from there forward we be moving it away Health your place and you sensually take all of the money out of the cartel they're not making any money anymore and then they're not going to be this murderous gang so it's going to take awhile for things to dissipate the look what they did to Columbia Main Columbia used to be fucking crazy

now you can go there and supposed to be really nice to go to Bogota. Supposed to be a really nice place it's it's safe I want to go to South America and I can't I mean South America is the only continent I haven't been to Antarctica doesn't count but it is nothing I've never found a place that looks like I want to go to Argentina looks badass really yeah Argentina's near the glacier fucking beautiful down there yeah I know roads talks highly about it but he's Argentinian fizzy is if some of his family down there

yeah. There's some fucking beautiful spots beautiful spots in this country in this world

South America South America the weirdest thing is like how much jungle it is but you look at how much of like Bolivia and Brazil how much of it is actual jungle you look holy shit I've no wonder why these people down there almost every one of them has some kind of fucking Rebel Army shit going on and there's nothing that seems safe by Costa Rica I know you're probably not going to have a lot of issues everything I've looked up the beach and Costa Rica with my kids some dude offered me Coke old and has A5 year old and dude was offered me coach my guy not right now brother. Right now it's just like that just get you whatever you want Gringo you know he come down here to party you know I know you don't live here motherfucker come here for a good time

where'd you go I don't remember mad I was a couple of years ago but we we drove to a couple of different places in Costa Rica where you're flying to San Jose or Liberia Liberia. And then we went to the rainforest did the zip lining do her horrible thing I think it was in the other and kill the guy and put the girl in a coma they crash into each other on a zipline one of them gets stuck fat kid in the fucking water slide gets stuck in the tube and then the next one comes down and smash is anyone going so fast you're going so fast you're on the zip line you're flying I did I did that once just to say I did something the first time I went to Costa Rica yeah that's enough after that I'm happy fat on a boogie board

yeah I did it wants to and I kept thinking when do they check this wire that's why I was a mile-long how are they checking this wire is not a strong work ethic know those dude to work there who are just climbing up and hitch and people on to those things like they're a little too comfortable with the edge there those people it's a little too comfortable with hanging off a tree clip and ropes on the wires and shooting it down a little too casual casual but that endeavor AB ride from Jaco to San Jose in the capitals and their fucking speeding around what should be like 50 mile-an-hour curves and there's a gallon auction a cart in the fucking middle of the road and you just said

okay so one of the things that I used to always be fascinated by Bourdain show was his willingness to continue to go to these places where you had to take these trucks down these dirt roads you look out the window and see sheer cliff and up ahead there's a fucking Landslide now they're going to bring in a tractor to move the Rocks away file and slyly do not give it Vietnam the cab from the airport and it's just a c like a Sturgis of Vietnamese people to all on this the Sea of motorcycles and scooters at literally moving in your city like it they're going to hit it and somehow it and it works like Cirque du Soleil crash but they don't crash kills birds in the sky that move together probably figure that out how to all them we get together at all these people

yeah this isn't Saturday

that is just straight and Saturday

there's nothing that cause you just driving through have you ever been to Mexico City the view from where I was staying I was staying in the hotel they have the iconic picture of the the last helicopter CIA helicopter landing and taking off from the roof of the hotel and people are like climbing to be the last person on that was the hotel we were at that where that helicopter was Landing is now a rooftop bar and that was the hotel we did the gig in Vietnam supposed to be awesome

know if you're adventurous if you're Tom Rhodes I'm sure it's fantastic if you're going to stick weld terrified to go out of the hotel no no not at all that Rooftop Bar is gray Ford and loved it it was like one of his favorite places to go he loves you

8 with the President Obama that's right they may still called the president the president he's my president he was my president she would not NBC Road out about Oprah here's to our president it is an amazing speech by our president they put an NBC put it on their Twitter page and then someone came along one what the fuck are you doing

play I love when people say when you complain about something and they go yeah will Obama did the same thing and no I didn't I didn't know and I'm glad that's not the point so sorry when you make a point about an issue that it's left or right thing where you're actually defending up a person or no this is fucked up and wrong will Obama did it but that still fucked up and wrong I like I think Obama is a really fucking cool guy has a personality but I'm sure every President Bill Clinton did horrible fucking things and yeah like increase sentencing for fucking drug stuff and he was a good personality and I don't give a fuck I don't imagine being a guy or girl that's supposed to be paying attention to every single issue that's going on this country and May

decisions about all of it and doing it all investigating every single issue perfectly getting all the the right advice from all the advisors carefully considering each and every step fuck out of here there's no way they can there's no way the president really knows what's going on with all the different problems in this country and there's no fucking way possible

we just became a cool country like Norway close all the bases around the world don't be World Police or just going to be a fun country like fucking Iceland right I just bring all the troops back and no more you know I didn't go ahead with the disarming you guys I think it would calm down I think the world would calm down as long as we kept our guns

as long as we keep our weapons and keep the same amount of people in the military bring them back home but make them exercise here

hit the problem is as soon as anyone super power drift away they leave a vacuum and another superpower try to rise up that's the big fear that's what the big military proponents fear is that if we're not strong someone else would become stronger and then we'll be week will be attacked and that it does happen other places in the world that we can't be so naive as to think it'll never happen again so give it a shot and if it doesn't work out fucking

I don't know how you can take any president seriously now as we're aging and put time in perspective for years is nothing so I'm going to make a deal with you have four years later is going to be another asshole goes not nevermind this is crap that I think there's a dictator's not a bad thing as long as he's a good one dictator that's okay we all have a good time well here's the United States was founded because people have decided it didn't like the way things are running in Europe they didn't like monarchies they didn't like being of the rule of a king or queen they wanted to do it by elected officials they wanted to have a representative democracy or representative Democratic Republic they want to figure out something new so they came over here and did it what would be the resistance what I say like everybody try to do what they did

up in Oregon and start a new country somewhere that people like fuck this we're going to go to this spot global warming is clearing off some nice swatches of land in Antarctica or just going to move up there it's fucking beautiful and green just fuck it we're done we're done and then over there were going to barely have an army and you know just have a bunch of dudes look on the lookout with guns make sure we don't get robbed that's it and do you know Healthcare yeah I will pay for that education yeah I'll pay for education do whatever you want to do everyone's going to have my kids

that's the problem I overpopulation but how long would it take to overpopulate Greenland place to go visit it's just a little doll that's the problem with all these the best place to live is Norway in Scandinavia and Iceland but it's kind of that everyone's nice since like going to be like in northern Minnesota and everyone's nice cities living in Bozeman and I said you love Bozeman he's like it's all a bunch of boring white people that are really into bikes got really into biking damn Cavs

orange and white people

play me Dad's the one of the good things about what you do is that you can be in your town and then you can go other places but you always have that town versus if you get stuck like we're talking about people that are just live it in Columbus Ohio their whole life not to pick on Columbus but no St Louis whatever name is City versus someone who travels around all over the place the same can be said about some of that lives in La if you grow up here and you think this is the world of this this crazy congested slab of human Rose piled on top of each other now the rest of the world's there's some spots we can go to with hardly anybody

you ever been to Idaho you know I was he did you people for a while and I was 22 no show a little cabin on the South Fork of the Payette River 55 miles north of Boise do some Lakes up there where you go I shouldn't even be allowed to be here like this is too pretty I just seems like you should have to pay to be here this should be restricted access or something I get to fucking gorgeous up there I was 22 and I T have my wife left me I moved to Boise just cuz it sounded funny fried telemarketing so I could do it anywhere there's a phone I'm in business and then after we move to Boise and immediately my wife left me for my best friend we all moved out there together and then my other buddy that moved with us couldn't handle the stress so he went back to Vegas so I'm within two weeks I'm alone

sign up to this fucking I bought a cabin like a for sale by owner like like I didn't get a loan I was like I'm just going to give you free college just signed a contract and I'll pay you I didn't go through a bank owner finance to bars in town and you are either a Long Branch guy or you're the Dirty Shame guy and I was a dirty shame Saloon guy and I would drive back and forth cuz it in a small town they open around noon but not necessarily at new and how old are you then 22 that's hilarious so fucking chicks there so you or I would drive back and forth in front of the bar until Jolie showed up to open so if its 12:15 I've been just driving back and forth waiting for it to open and I would have lasted like 6 months and then I had to ditch out on the phone

you're there by yourself or financing at one point my buddy that move back to Vegas came up and he was there for a couple months but we get on the phone just enough to pay our bar tab back my bar tab I traded out like Furniture when I when I bailed 6 months later I traded Jolene like my furniture in the cabin for my bar tab in Dallas fucking crazy so you can set your own hours and you doing the scam telemarketing stuff you just did it whenever you wanted to

and they just got to let you clocked in and get paid by the hour out of my cabin since just pick up the phone I had leads I stole from Vegas and and what did you do I kind of that work at view call up businesses and the dad to pitch and you won one of these Awards in your you just have to buy this many pens like you add cop that ad specs advertising Specialties this mug with that hate Joe you want a big award and I'm going to all you have to do is make a small purchase of these mugs with your business name on them the Joe Rogan podcast and you're guaranteed to win this big award that's worth way but wow so it's just a total scam

but cleverly phrase so to stay in that gray area of legal where they really interesting scam he had a scam where they were making it was a company that would allow you to fix your credit so they would give you a line of credit and you would buy things and then pay off the credit and it would boost your credit backs if you had fucked up credit it was it was allow you to fix your credit for the cats was the only things you could buy with your credit card was things from their catalog so I would say if something cost you know whatever was toenail Clipper for cost like $3 at the grocery store there is $25 so if you want to buy it you're giving them

giant trunk a profit so they would ship these terrible little items and it would really actually boost these People's Credit actually did work wear boots so was enough that but it was a total scam she's the only shit they can buy with your credit cards is stuff from your catalog and everything is marked up through the fucking roof and this dude made Millions on that made Millions that's just one of those products like it when I was working for a company originally thought we would have the the black matte pen with the gold medal Florentine trim with 5 lines of your ad copy on it and we'd be selling these fucking $0.25 pens for like $4 a piece so it was that I was just getting into when I started doing comedy and then bailed out and then went full-time and comedy was the The Invention once like the George Foreman grill

yeah they do you have an invention and it's just such a great scam cuz egos involved and it's everyone thinks they should be on Shark Tank those kind of people in Hugo I can't say that but I think what you have here and it and then it's a multi-level wearfit help there to submit your invention idea to company I'm not saying InventHelp is a scam I'm saying scams of that do you have an invention and then there's a step one is we're going to do a patent research to see and this is going to cost you this but honestly feel

I think you're onto something I can't say that this is a million-dollar idea but

I know when I have a feeling it's the way you say it and you could do like it would be so easy and I was just starting to do that you feel awful when you get off the phone no I didn't feel awful two years later while I never did get into that fully where I was just starting to do that at my house out of my apartment in Vegas when I eat like I'm going full-time and comedies but the other scams no I never felt bad cuz you were they say all they're ripping off of old people know we were ripping off young greedy fucking people that think they're going to fucking get something for nothing and yeah I don't know I never got that far into it I was just starting where I go fuck this I don't have time I'm doing comedy I got it I got an offer I moved to Phoenix tonight I got a job as a house and see

I would like six six months yeah about 6 months after I started fell in love with a girl in Phoenix move down there get a job as a house and see where I thought I was getting I was getting a free hotel room the club was in a daze in I think it was so I got a free Hotel so I got a place to live and I could do comedy five nights a week and talk to have to dig a chef loved me and would give me free food you do shows in Bisbee now I I have other people come to Bisbee I filmed at my last it's a throwaway special but I just did it like as an experiment in the Funhouse so you basically this room

but maybe not quite as big as a 18 x 20 box with a bar built and a little tiny stage in the corner and I filmed it pop off vodka presents an evening with Doug Stanhope and reselling it on VHS I don't know if sold out but we the only physical copies VHS right I took about an hour's worth of material that I think there's only 20 minutes on the VHS just a bit about pop off vodka presents where we tried to get sponsorship with pop off cuz it's fucking love grade shity vodka and I thought that would be a funny sponsor and Brian reached out and through channels that they said with the pop-up wouldn't touch Doug Stanhope with a ten-foot pole as they said giant 20-minute fucking bit about it and I like I'm going to be sponsored by Popov vodka against their way

I don't want to fucking make a special call Papa vodka presents and I'm going to keep doing it until they give me a cease-and-desist but I took an hour of material that got cut out of other specials or I go I really like that bit I just had to cut it down to an hour I'm going to put this out as the pop off vodka presents that's hilarious do they know haven't gotten a cease-and-desist we just make sure it's got a special going to tell me your fucking fucking student achievement test reliable liquid

Hobo's always the best word to use a plasma

Bobo plasma experiment more with that and we've had a bunch of comics Olivia Grace you open last night she came down there a Bisbee for rogue Comics going to La you I'm going to do gigs in Austin it's kind of on the way so we've had a bunch of comics down and get drunk and go Hey cuz 15 people in that room it's tiny enough that that's a real audience and we've never had a bad show there that I get your stuff I want to start experimenting with doing like just putting out singles you have bitched that are fucking 17 minutes or so I can take a 16-minute bit and just sell that as a single if I can $0.99 on iTunes or I don't know how that is I don't know how that side of

it's not a bad idea probably know there's a lot of people to do their podcast with subscription like Nick depalo just released his new podcast and he's doing a subscription service we have to pay to listen to it can sit at one of the things when I retire is figure out shit like patreon I've heard about this you just get people to give you money let's give you money give me money like I really support you I'm patreon like there's a lot of people that do that they just do stuff like please support my patreon oh please give me money yeah I don't really like I like just talking in front of us YouTube camera so if you like me talking please support my patreon

when everyone talks about their new hour I'm doing usually an hour and a half now and I'm not doing five different bitch that I really like that I just got bored with but it has still haven't recorded I could put out a chunk of those leftovers getting everything digital that's true so why not just hate this is a great 20 minutes I'm tired of it let's put it out

yeah it's not a bad idea I mean you could do YouTube Red to or you know you do it two subscriptions

there's a bunch of different ways to do it now it's there's more options every day to its it's becoming interesting I don't know Amazon releases a lot of stuff now too they're releasing a lot of stand-up

it's a it's really kind of amazing there's only one YouTube that's a truly amazing I mean Vimeo does exist and it is good but is in terms of like when people think of like one platform where you get videos on you really only think of you two monetizing I don't know how any of that works and Jamie could tell you

it's not that complicated yeah a lot of people do it we're going to have to fucking start doing video for our podcast yeah how come you don't like doing that I just hate being on camera like here it's it do you have it's subtle enough I remember the year old Studio where you at I'm looking at my face on a giant TV we started that yeah that bad bad day we should have done that way that way was dumb because when we realized somewhere along the line that when they were up on that screen like we would look at ourselves on that screen would make you think about it and then somewhere along the line it said let's stop doing this is just doesn't you thinking about I don't think about that camera or that camera no

yeah but you gotta remember the first time I did your podcast and we were sitting on a couch so hard it was on comfortable couches are uncomfortable to sit and talk like sit up and talk like you're sinking into omelets just want to look across and it's going to be 9 years in December

now look at you

crazy

yeah that couch was in Ari's house for what make me hard shine

that was a offencive to offencive for Comedy Central so your fun house is like you have an extra how so you have like your main house where you live in and then you have the fun house that has a bar and then we have a guest house or they like to slowly by up the town people that you like that's what the free state project remember that libertarian movement to try to get everyone to move to State and that way we can all vote cuz we get 1% of the vote nationally but if we all lived in one state then we could then they pick New Hampshire High School Hampshire fuck you

just too hard to get laid up there it's too fucking cold soup called I haven't seen winter and many years I remember a Fitzsimmons got kicked out of a gig up there and they told him not to drive at night cuz there's so many moose on the road but it kicked him out of gig for swearing they file their fire them they got off stage and they said you're fired did I cuz you supposed to be there for the weekend and they made him drive home I'm guessing this is a long time ago oh yeah I never saw that in him oh yeah he's always been his Irish he's always been a hot head as long as I'm finish podcast a few years ago and he almost came to fisticuffs with the fucking parking attendant like fuck you you want to fucking like his face just fucking beet-red he was going to beat the fuck out of the guy just ignored me he was so angry

I am just waiting there to do his podcast that he just blows by me like I'm a problem to like fuck just in raged that's hilarious podcast and he's fine professional G2 we started out together each other open Microsoft we should steal jokes from each other like we didn't really have enough material to do like a half an hour so I could do some of my shit I do some of his shit and you tell me

some shit hole in the middle of nowhere like when you when we first we were like a year and we're both about a year and we started getting paid gigs when you're a year and you really don't have 25 my first my first right before I moved in Phoenix my first paid Road gig was in Flagstaff for Sandy Hackett and I was co-headlining with a ventriloquist who never worked at comedy club the only worked his County Fair circuits and he was I remember he was so weird he was an old Historic Hotel that we were staying in that they put a shop in the gig is in and he moved to a different Hotel cuz this was so old he thought it was a fire hazard and he said one time he played a cruise ship and someone threw his dummy overboard and he can't go through that again if you lost this dummy in a fire so he paid probably as much as he was making for the gig to get his own hotel it was a decent hotel

I remember it I I think I only had to do like 30 or 35 minutes and I was stretching to get 27 with everything I had I don't remember stealing jokes from one of the Vegas open mic or swear I lived at go back and say hey I use some of your material cuz I had to fill time and then find I find out later that was stolen lucky sideways I really don't do it again

yeah those Road gigs back that you didn't realize it at the time but it's all of it builds up to be this giant education and how did you stand up and those that the foundation of those Road gigs is irreplaceable Joey you I mean r e Duncan I don't know if anyone has done this as a gimmick shows my first notebook has anyone I mean on Smith I want Smith has a show that he does online brought him some notebooks from like 9291 and I too terrible material and setups and Forest like audience interaction I fake audience interaction when asked him a

and pretend to hear an answer is awful was awful do we did it in the back bar of The Comedy Store and we would go over them that we were going over the notebook just laughing well the thing is I don't I don't have the act like clearly right now all my note but you just material from the first notebook back then if I wrote a hundred things down and one of them was halfway worth talking about it was amazing but I didn't know what I was doing my first notebook I have written out my four minutes or whatever it was including hi my name is Doug Stanhope as written

well if you want to practice correctly I know guys used to practice in front of the mirror don't just stand in front of mirror and do their act

hey am I right or am I wrong hey I know we do here I don't know if I ever did that but I was certainly the guy pacing in the back alley saying it out loud and yeah with the hand gestures and everything I just going over your head I know a guy used to do it alone in a room and do is act II camera to go back and watching analyze it might give you that you get those emails hey tell me what you think and you click on the link and it's a YouTube of them in their basement camera by themselves like the with the eyes of that YouTube shooter lady

This creepy reading off the material

imagine having to do it again 26 A Dane Cook said once the one thing that I can never imagine doing in life is starting over as a stand-up from the beginning again like

Liza David idea but I'm not I don't know but something that I want to do in my in my retirement years but it's not quite that but but what Comics ask you like the amount of emails what advice do you have how do I start out well I don't know I haven't started in 28 years else want to interact with you that is trying to find a way to interact with you if they wanted us to figure out how to start out I got to go to Open Mic nights at the guy that's if you haven't done Open Mic at go to an open mic and ask and open my car what do I do and if you're an open mic her that wants to get work as an MC been asking him see what he did that's the guy just above you cuz he knows I don't know how the fuck do you think I know like what the dorfman's look for but

yeah I mean if you want to be a theoretical mathematician you don't go to some guys teaching at Harvard and say hey man how do I get started I haven't done it elementary school but I'm thinking about it there's no way you can give advice anyway you would have to see them a whole bunch of times and even then you'd have to be like what are you trying to do where you trying to go and then watch him or watch him try to get better in the best advice you could ever give just do it listen record write down what sucks about it write down what work well do it again right before suck you write repeat and you're going to suck it's right perform suck rewrite repeat keep doing it keep doing it it's something that you just don't you're not going to be great but I feel like anybody who thinks they're going to be amazing at this like right off the bat

can't it's not possible and if you're asking me I might think you suck yeah and if I say about you you suck what other people might think you're funny so don't listen to me that what's the best of refrain Joey's cozzola was a guy that was just a little above me and I was giving advice to a kid that was just below me when I was in a few just above Open Mic her and Joey pulled me aside he goes don't give these kids advice cuz all you ever doing is telling them how to be like you and yeah that's true I would have thought I told Dane Cook yeah you're never going to just you never going to be good at this

well let's see I'm not your audience

well, he's always going to suffer from that because there's no categories you know I mean it's not like blues or disco you know Jazz rock and roll it's just comedy and there's different kinds of Comedy different ways doing but has no categories so it's like they used to be is x-rated just cuz there wasn't a category but they wanted to warn people why is the signs I still have on all my shows to this day it said oh it says warning Joe Rogan show contains the strongest material content imaginable cuz I cuz I got tired of people complaining I was said tell them that it contains like the most fucked-up things imaginable so they read that they go in that couldn't be like most mature thing imaginable I remember a plane Zanies in Chicago and having a really hard week of lockout

angry people even though they build it is yellow adult or x-rated toussaint's fucking great first of all how cool does a desert look out there looks fake. Although the guy was driving us told us that there were a cactuses that have GPS in them cuz people are stealing cactuses at steel Cactus have GPS in the cactus is an arrest people their house the fucking cactus that is so I went to Phoenix with Dragon Mania told me you were originally I was going to do other gigs is the next day when you travel Asia how many different places do you go where it's all expats it's it's all expats

and I've done one of those Tom Rhodes tours where a hong-kong Singapore did Shanghai Ho Chi Minh City

forget Tokyo Tokyo

Tokyo's fascinating huh it seems like a whole different world like this it look at you you landed in an alien world with a language is all different with the people look like after you know but a little different venture out much but everyone's friendly Singapore is fucking amazing it's like that movie Elysium a really is absolutely safe beautiful no crime for wealthy right very wealthy like more than New York City like more expensive in New York City don't know I know it's very expensive I was doing of him like they were paying for all these five star hotels and shit where I probably took a bath on the guarantee if I paid my own way I could have done it way cheaper but it's it's it's super wealthy like Hong Kong is

all fucking International Banker fuck stats high-dollar and Singapore are the people that pay them so it wasn't the expats I was expecting so when you're there like how big are the places you're doing

I would like to 600 ish

mostly people from the United well as long Kong and Singapore again a lot of international Banker yo fucking tight suits lots of blow probably below China Wall Street Fox Vietnam in Asia Bangkok Thailand Vietnam Hong Kong Shanghai

Mission a couple Tokyo

no it was her but it was it was so quick so you're doing a different country every day so everyday is another fucking Visa Customs border just Crush you and your immune system now the constant traveling when I'm traveling every day I can only do that a few days in a row after I don't sleep well I'm getting up in the morning you got to get up early for the flight then you try to take a nap you barely sleep sleep a few hours at night getting up in the morning you're doing a show so you're wired after the show it was pretty brutal

I think the way to do it is to spread it out over long periods of time so that you could do it then you hang out in the city for like a few days chill out see what their then move on to the next place I like I like all right let's get it out of the way because those days off I got Skywalker Buddha a lot healthier when I have a lot of gigs in a row because then I stay sober Dil chahta Hai all wheel drive home just for the longest was a year in 2008 and I did six weeks of couple years ago and then get a book deal in my right that's the one thing I can't fuck I cannot write a nut smoke really that's the hardest thing to do quitting like eventually okay yeah I can go

I can drink and not smoke I can go out and

I can do interviews on the phone that's usually where I you got to do interviews I'm chain-smoking but writing a book writing now that's just constant Hinchcliffe had a real problem with that Hinchcliffe that he would write rewrite for roast and things like that always be smoking cigarettes damage Associated cigarettes but he quit smoking cigarettes while so cranky. Took a while to get over the hump got one of those vape pens yeah Bingo uses those that's what I was going to ruin his fucking Studio again and fun seems to be working good I could smell it but I mean there's no it's not like thick in the air fan works does that filters Jamie to have to clean filters do we know anything after after today after today motherfucker Douglas 32 we did 3 hours

really doesn't make sense time flies by

18 to tell these find people on my first day of retirement the retirement of Doug Stanhope which will going to take a 10-day train trip going nowhere but on the train and it would go to Chicago Tucson to Chicago to Portland down to LA and back to Tucson just shops in flying around on the train beautiful love fucking moving yeah man I mean you don't have to do anything you could do whatever the fuck you want that's the American dream freedom to do whatever. P-trap like to to be wise enough to not be trapped by your bills your previous commitment bang it out make enough money stockpile your finances and go okay we're good just just fucking chill live cheap discount Meats lesson to you all America live like Doug Stanhope or don't

thank you for tune into the podcast and thank you to our sponsors thank you to audible go to audible.com Rogan or text Rogan to 500 500 to get started and again Amazon Prime members can get Audible for 495 a month for the first 3 months after that it's only 14 95 a month this offer ends July 31st 2018 thank you also to betterment that's right folks go to betterment.com Rogan and listeners can get up to one year managed free that's a lot to make some Katherine that time for more information visit betterment.com forward Rogan we are also brought to you by SimpliSafe SimpliSafe ladies and gentlemen go to simplisafe.com Rogan to get yours today

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