#1148 - Andrew Santino

July 27, 2018

Andrew Santino is a stand up comedian and actor. You can also see him the show “I’m Dying Up Here” on SHOWTIME.

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hello ladies and gentlemen August 10th September 14th Columbus Ohio those are the two places where there's actually still tickets for sale

everything else JoeRogan.Com juicy shit hitting the road baby but it's over September 29th is the last of my tour dates and that is in Toronto and I think it's almost sold out Joe Rogan. Com

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my guess today sweet bitches is my good friend Andrew Santino he's a hilarious stand-up comedian a great guy he is done a bunch of tour dates with me he was with me in Chicago his hometown he's going to be with me this weekend but chonga Casino in Temecula he's going to be with me and Kansas City and st. Louis and quite a few other dates I love him he's fucking hilarious you might have seen his Showtime special he's on that Showtime series I'm dying up here he's awesome give it up for Andrew Santino

The Joe Rogan Experience

call Reliable Williams betting on look look around real quick do you know what's new

easy it's easier than you think

Bruce Lee Bruce Lee still but still though he didn't say he goes out wonderful Savior Rise Against on his head now I should have bet you money I was going to say it this dope in high school and they use one of his quote on my favorite he says honestly expressing oneself is really hard to do I can use to I can use really fancy movements and show you really crazy things but to honestly express myself that is really hard to do it's a great like a beautiful little sound clip before they start the song that's like just him talking to someone isn't it humbling when someone dies really young like he does and they did way more in their life and you ever will makes me sad like what am I going to do you stop and think about it like who the fuck else has had that kind of an impact and you know what he died in what 1970 something in the 70s

he was young yeah I think he was like 30 or 31 or 32 or some like that find out how old Bruce Lee was when he died

it's not like I was listen to Hendricks last night on the way to Studio or a lot where the comic store 33 and how much are out there he died when he was 27 you think he'd be happy with what's going on to it like I always find that like what would they be doing today

trust me up I can't do that no I know but that's all they had such a good because right there's guys that lasted a long time and they either like or making garbage slowly still making cool shit here and there whenever they want to yeah this is the variety show in those people that nobody wants to hear the new shitt the Rolling Stones The Rolling Stones play that don't play that weird though because all time greats start playing some song you haven't heard back is all this yesterday I was when I was running they have this thing called the Big 3 it's a post NBA league for players to play in once it once every Tire in just 3 on 3 but it's really sad to watch guys ever retire for like 10 years hooping cuz you're like this is just bad it's like you want to just remember them when they were amazing but now they just sold 2

old to be it's like it's like a circus it you know I mean like people are showing up just to like see those names but they're there it's really bad to watch how old I mean there is no minimum I just retired from the lead to play in it look like I mean the average age is got to be 40 maybe see it depends on the sport in the athlete lab is Argo skins was fighting in his forties at his best different though yeah basketball is just such a young man's game that's like a hard to watch and I'll do with gray hair missing free throws that's a weird a guy who used to be phenomenal I understand what you're saying but I disagree in the ACT it's even sadder watching an old guy get the fuck beat out of them used to be good but fight but but then he still probably fights cuz he loves it no no money because they love the competition but they get paid for doing it for me

no way they enjoyed anymore do you know there's no way it just looks so sad everything left right left right A B Davis and he was being so heavy on his back and it's even worse around for like 5 minutes I like this is so sad to watch their cameras are just focusing on him and Rapaport is doing the announcing so weird he's like a eight-year-old 20 year old yes

he's just his career is on this crazy Revival train and it's almost like he is going back to Young rapaport's die so funny dude where is alaria interviewing I forget what what sport it was who's interviewing these guys and he's like kind of hunched over like I'm talking to him and he's a big guy he got this look on his face is it if you would like this is such a weird combination like an old guy at a young guy that was in like that that youthful world of like music and sports in your see the ramp if you went on after Charlottesville what does tiki torch Carrie and white guys

the fuck is

please loose you know I mean he's out there usually he's very funny on the fighter & the kid to it goes on that Shelly says he loves you. He's he's vocally a massive sports fan which I think that's keeps him in that youth Circle so much that he just love sports and love talking Sports to everybody show sometimes like he's hosted different people's one of those radio TV shows those radio shows that consulate they show on TV occasionally. Patrick has like the problem is people try to talk to me about other sports guy fucking believe that game of soccer I can't tell you I couldn't tell you what position other than goalie

yeah you name one forward see but I think I can I think about hockey cuz I'm like I know hockey but I have no idea about this and talk at the same soccer just was like a good Fielder defense defense I was in Italy won the World Cup was going on it was amazing to watch Europeans watch that shit cuz they love it checked out totally checked out I know it's dorky white guys pretending to be way too enthusiastic about the world cards because the World Cup

fucking Jack but it's not real Olympics does that to the Olympics has this thing where people get into like it's cool to cheer for your country or whatever but it's so funny when people get in the Olympics and I like you watch a luge did you watch as rip it up and lose no I don't I don't know I do like the Winter Olympics everyone get freaks out and if sport that you would never even think about wanting to watch like a cross country ski and then you shoot on the ground in the excuse him or you would never I would never forget two basketballs going to be in the Summer Olympics is it really this big 3 players Olympics

yeah dude I look this up in a damn was so surprised I don't know what kind of competition it's going to be but the big three success as led to it being included in the next Summer Olympics born in normal basketball game 10515 five-on-five shot

which doesn't exist so you can shoot at once it gets down to 4 minutes that like there's an onside assisted the basketball tournament which is like amateur players and teams it's a $1000000 tournament we should would have lost but we just don't talk negative to me bro you don't know my heart for you guys and former college players to average height of 5:10 but they have white heads to say hi fellas so what are the rules

there's a 4.0. I don't know if you fell out so maybe you could just use you as a bowl in Fallout you just how what happens if you kick you out you're done you can't play the games over players on their bench they rotate Jesus but we would have you file as hard as you can to really fuck up their best players and I mean I have that they have that the hockey. Him he's a fucking truck so he would just get the ball they would Tomahawk as hard as they could

ouch sports fans do you have no idea how he is big but another huge dude that just throwing their arm as hard as they can all game wow I would like to be would like to begin it happened before that old NBA people get the biggest guy that's ever played with whatever I shake his hand on my desk so he was a huge Fear Factor fan. So he did like a whole episode where he co-hosted with me and he stood next to me and you like he would do that I want you to count down Sugar Factory in when he would do the cow. I was standing next to him like this like an 8 year old hanging out with his kid's dad all I hear stories like that that he's like he's a big kid

eight-year-old super fun guy tell him he's like a cop yeah like undercover work for in Miami or something right now in Fort Lauderdale would be involved in pretty hard to be undercover when you're 6:11 and must I mean you know when you get up Nexus arm it's it's it's this it's like two of my thighs be done in the MMA for a while I don't know if you still look if there is no weight limitations like he's so got it like that that I am so fucking pig

a man and his buddy child child in a grown man at the MTV

what was that movie where the sound like that with him next me where I was just you know interviewing him for this thing and he will always be one of the road and he doing this with the microphone you still at the dog on my eject is kind of weird that like the UFC has a weight limit what's the top out to 65 does it get does a hit these at super heavy super heavy we've never had a super heavy fight the super heavyweight is to 65 and above will who's the heaviest fighter that's ever fought 265 when they weigh in after that probably Brock Brock was cutting weight to make 265 was being around 300 lb I for sure it's a different kind of 300 pounds to 3:37 to put one

his shoes are 22 ft I could never fight in the UFC cuz you probably can't make 265 from now if you did would be sure 0 0 fat cuz he's so big 75 lbs right as they say 330 S O D Wade

they look like as a rookie my God he was so full grown man at 20

I mean what did you ever see the movie Blue Chips do you ever see that know that's a great movie about Shaq Nick Nolte he's recruiting him it's from it's a phenomenal how good is that guy was awesome oh he's so good in this fucking movie Warrior

it was flawed but he's good he played me literally did my role in the UFC and I'm moving you tell me is I'm just going to you except for like the skill in the talent all out there but Nick Nolte's in that fucking movie Nick Nolte plays the dad of one of the guys that's fighting and Darius like that I ran into him once man at Fry's I was so happy my name cuz he used to date Vicki Lewis was a friend of mine she was on the news radio girl she's that girl's extremely talented she's young compared that was a big age Gap so I knew him from the set and hang out and I said hey

weird stuff online with 27 no still confused I'm still like I can't believe I'm really talking to Nick Nolte had it up right now with no see hey man Nick needs Electronics to my quick days when I was addicted to quake and I'll make my own computers you like you did all that shit teen screams and all that shit like everyone does that mean my house where I had a conference table and it was lined up with computer monitors and computers are used to build computers matter you don't play games anymore we're going to we just got the money setup is origin PC's we got a land room set up local area network room

well you know what man now that we have the studio just so much room here and yeah my kids come here and play to you know this playing stuff to do his lot lot so so I'm just going to fuck it put some games on for them put some games on for me yeah that works I never got for some reason weird cut off when I was growing up now but so many people still play on grown ups those those non growing up guys I wish I could play The Warriors shirt fully grown man chicks love Ultimate Warrior dude yeah dude like I want to go somewhere to get pale

more pay I want a paler I want to be paler Jamie the Paylor multi-role player what is it multi giant role player giorgi play multiplayer online role-playing I sound like a massive community of people really a hundred but it can be like I stop certain people on your squat on your team of the four is a random assignment two teams are you go in picking your tickets going around them to you can do everything you want but I can't wait to hear the comments on this video above

references online to it and I know what it is but I've no idea what it is. Call you a noob and then use two zeros foros Noob fucking right now there's two million-dollar tournaments going on there's one that I think they're both but one for fortnite and then another one another again it's just like it called pubg which we've talked about the 2 million bucks how long do they have to play tournament on real loser and they still have that shit in their head but it's just more money in it then most game we might blow his fucking ankles out Timmy over there is making a billion dollars

he was like a professional online gamer and I thought I was like that dude fatality reached out to us Jonathan Wendell I'm going to try to get them on I figured yeah he was the greatest quick player or one of the greatest there's a few of those guys sound like that yeah that sounds right what is he doing I was no one that I want to know what they do when they quit all that shit just just breathe Just Chillin try to figure out how to deal with all the radiation they been absorbing he's working at Fry's computers created by Joe all your cells are mutated and I think some of them are sizes and how quick the fall might be that they're just would have banking money and just write it out to see how long that goes you only get paid paid if you win

all that money right they still got to have something to do after it's done the best bank but time you guys are just making a late I just the way it's different they don't have to pay coach on their part in some cases their parents house still most cases right by their parents new house that might be there gold a by their parents house and kick in the fuck out by the parents house. Yeah I remember you were yelling at me play video games Mike I take care and I don't know how to get to take credit for

no I didn't and I can't do that but that's what that is her mom was you saw that was fucking atrocious and then when every time she got something she's like you know why that is cuz I made you that way so she she mine fucked her whole life into being like even at her even when he she even after the after the incident even if the Kerrigan thing she was like I was always the one that made you the killer that's why we do this oh she fucked her so bad and she fucked with her head so deep she was boxing oh yeah man I talked about it on Stanhope shoebox Doug Stanhope yeah I was I was his coach you doing cuz she was trying to cash checks cuz she lost all her money man she lost all her money made much and what do you think she does know

they talked about at the end of the film I don't remember they tell you working over there like Minnick I run with it like she lives in someone's home with her new husband never talked to Jeff who's Jeff the guy her boyfriend the one that was like the Nancy Kerrigan's leg where he is the Kingpin Jesus Christ that's a dark thing to do man have some fucking dumb that the guy he's the guy she hires are are fucking brain-dead play in the movie and then their story I think to the courts were was always they were supposed to threaten her and these two dumbbells went up there and they were like yeah Will threaten her and there was a fucking chosen with the police put on you know what I believe I believe if I'm going to believe that guy side I bet he said go up there and and scare and do what you need to

right I bet he lefted Vegas was like he's fucking idiots will figure it out I bet they were on meth and they're all going to need knees knees and smashed into a car and almost hit one of the guys that was fucking dude tweaked out of his mind came driving through the back of the parking lot in the store during the day slammed into a car slammed into one of the employees cars it was parked back there they got security camera footage of its guys are jumping out of the way. Just like completely out of his mind it turns out the guy years ago killed a kid driving slammed his car into some fucking kid in and kill them like a young girl fuck and then many years later is still driving fucked-up tried to back out try to get out of there I still grab them

what is this the guy yeah man arrested after vehicle collision at The Comedy Store yeah that guy kill the Kid Drive-In and he still doing it and he was peeling off of sunset it's smashed into The Comedy Store he was out of his mind man is out of his mind came in sideways went around the corner and went through the driveway went around the corner to the lot and came in like literally turn sideways and slammed into a car what the fuck drugs do the wrong kind of drugs who knows what kind of pills is fucking assholes on

but that same guy kill the kid still driving like that imagine you kill a kid driving fucked up you get out of jail and then you're still doing it you're not old you look at somebody made that kid so many made that kids something to eat somebody fuck somebody and the demand woman got together they did got pregnant the girl got pregnant the gave birth raise that kid and this is what you got a bad deal but you can't tell me that's not part of their fault too there's got to be some shit that they fucking did to that kid for sure there's got to be something so that's a collective effort when you get some of those that fucking stupid. That's that you kill a kid and you don't learn like that's not enough of a lesson you still driving fucked up how did Caitlyn Jenner get away with killing that dude what was the turning a woman that was a batch of slice off your dick that's it

she entered into this category of the most marginalized group in America currently which is transgender people and the entire focus of the nation she wasn't paying attention and she slammed into the back into the back of this person's car it was a dude but it was a single dude that was a woman in a traffic to kids in a gram on the body lift with the grandma because she broke her hip and pelvis or something like that thing is Caitlin doesn't even address it like it's like some horrific moment in our life completely responsible it but it shows you the type of person you ever see Kyle Dunnigan sing on it

funniest its butt of yours he the one he did on that Caitlyn Jenner butt now Kayla's got a clean record down again that is such a fucking hysterical character character that he does on his Instagram have a much better driver than Bruce I'll have you know so don't be afraid to hit the street

he's such an odd guy I love it very very funny that's what I did it already I love that he found his Groove Instagram with face swap he's by far the I could kill baby guess what it's so funny man chicken but are you going to eat a list you being an ableist

regular right now color of the Hamburglar

I'm just fixing the painting

the one that doesn't make any sense

you haven't even seen it yet maybe you'll like it better

I'm playing a chit chat.

I'm just going to cut out the Cookie Monster and I'll look pretty much the thing

stay in school oh my god dude that kills it kills me every fucking time every time he found the snitch and that that this this new thing of like face swap with you know characters as perfect as perfect as his impressions are so good his Bill Maher isn't seeing my God it's so good it's like creepy when I see when you see it behind the face swap doing the voice talking to each other with Caitlin really man he found he found the perfect roof but I love the fact that there's this new thing that people can do you know like they did this face swap thing

it's like a completely new way of doing sketches making characters yeah it's wild it's almost funny because you know he's behind it on it so you know but yet it's so good like what he does like Kim and Kanye is a washing machine is a weird white box

that's so perfect. Now I just love that these like technology created like there's a bunch of you two people to do that they're doing like these weird YouTube videos and there's so many people but it's like heat but he's found it and it like a real specifically funny Niche because he's cuz these real of the characters of Throne characters sketches and they're just kind of so cheaply down and they don't have any like they don't need comedic base. Just like weird to have some kind of basement there's a few people that do it right my kid loves this lady Miranda Sings do you know that that is she's just she's got the show called awkward show picture of Miranda Sings

that's so try to do it just for my daughter but it's a show that's not for kids that's her it's a weird show like the show I'm watching she had a Netflix show did they cancel I don't know if it was a movie or show actually I might buy rocking kid love that show and that's what it's called haters back off is that a movie or a show to show the trailer

laugh at that humiliated the whole family left you sure this time I'm sure you'll be fine

right now you're just a boring famous person we need to get you the book it's where my chickens are born

Conn's zebras and my daughter's 8 will do an impression Tim and Eric type show it's not really a show for eight-year-olds it's just a mind fuck show so I'm like letting her watch it but then again she lives with me yeah no shit sound like going to say would have been what did you watch that you know you should have been watching when you were a kid to try to not swear for the first 5 years of their life and then I'm like impossible stop were they going to learn about something early I'm nice or fuck what's the big deal I don't say like I'm going to fuck you to my wife I don't say that

your kids are eating dinner I'm going to fuck you late night your mom made you might do the moment when my daughter was 3 we were skiing and we packed up all the stuff we're getting ready to leave but we didn't pack up her helmet and so we got all that stuff. I've got everything the helmet argue we have impact the helmet three-year-old daughter looks at the helmet looks like a bag goes shit

what does the following were like but we tried not to look at it

listen it's like those videos on the internet always funny when there's a kid trying to say duck and then like what is he like the fuck yeah the the dog is a girl told me he liked try to kiss his son is is 3 year old and he's like it he goes I push push push push push push push you going to make little Santino's trying man are you shooting some more dinner like checking ovulation. It's such a weird thing to say

you know what you got to do eat mixed nuts literally nuts make your nuts grow nuts dr. Rhonda Patrick posted something about it will help sperm truck say it that way if you eat certain amount of grams of the Tweet of mixed nuts makes your balls grow but literally makes your sperm increase what makes your balls shrink there's got to be a food that does the opposite steroids it makes your balls shrink because your balls aren't making any testosterone you said it doesn't it doesn't reduce the amount of semen you produce and make your physical nut smaller

I met him at the Trader Joe's parking lot here to inspect them are put gloves on put the put them in my mouth and I'll tell you what's wrong with your bag for the monk who makes your brain shut off

call the nutman go to make you feel weird because it's like a such a deep sound like why am I coming to this deep sound an imprint but deep sound coming noises like what the fuck do you mean

Meredith supplemented their diet with 60 grams of mixed nuts daily for 14 weeks increase their sperm count by 16% sperm Vitality by 4% and sperm motility by 6% according to a randomized controlled trial my husband into it every day for 14 weeks those dudes are mixed nuts and shit like you can't come at all except for the study in the cup otherwise we're not going to know because of you banging all day one day and the next day you don't do anything if you get tired, sad lazy cups come comes out different I don't know if I could take a few days off of beating off the ceiling

and just kind of dribbles out you feel like a loser I feel very depressed volumes low like if I beat off and it just makes you sad why I find it always depends on how much I build up if I'm building up to it I got a big one builderall you edge a fucking pervert fuckingawesome Norton. Tell me about it the edges he he dead with prostitutes he get a prostitute and you get right to the point of coming alright thanks how long ago yesterday no one was one of the prostitutes

that buys the free doesn't give a fuck he does give a fuck but he doesn't give a fuck at the same time but she told me when they leave yet he's bumb the fuck out what you should be free you know that this guy was reading something so some guy was doing something an anti shame things as a doctor like fuck shame was like his his thing that shame is a weird thing like there's things that people are ashamed of that we're not ashamed of it all like sex like normal sex like save your wives walk around the house a pair of shorts and grab her ass and she you know and she turns around she smiles at you in the two of you start banging that's fine you married each other are you attracted to each other it's all normal but if you lived in like a crazy religious household what she supposed to be dressed like a fucking tablecloth

that would be a real problem awful should feel ashamed so it's like what causes shame cultural acceptance right place right time from from their parents for stuff that's they shouldn't feel ashamed about it for sure and for Norton so I keep az's nice ladies to touch his penis and that's why they don't have to work at Denny's they still do I break it going to smoke break and go to gym for an hour and a half dishwasher hands kind of like real rink like really really strong fingerprints indentation. It's got like the Fingerprints of deeper than normal all the chemicals dishwasher and washing all day

part of the problem it's not a problem he's so successful you know Jim sells out, he chose everywhere he's got a Sirius XM show he's written books he's got plenty money for hookers so he's like fucking here

he's like the most free guy that I know and terms of a talking about his weirdness and his perversions sober yes he got sober I think when he was 19 he's been sober the entire time that's fine but it's like trannies he's really into trannys for real yeah whatever anymore I didn't I was with gay friends at a what I put on line having the most fun at a Mexican train about people litany the fuck up but it's not that I was like okay I was with gay dudes add a joke about it with me I thought it was okay that it say you can say transvestite

you can't say tranny Justin Martindale can say whatever he wants he can he does he gets away with what he says constantly I didn't know that he doesn't but I just want to put that up. I don't think you get that kind of freedom but if you were gay black guy Daddy I think your gay black transgender guy can do whatever he wants no legs and one eye he's disabled gay black Trans

what's interesting no bun I mean no one accepts transracial can't do it no one except transracial is the one thing that we are not willing to cross no fucking way it is one of the most realistic lines this is why I hate butts yeah for sure but mean literally all human beings came from Africa that is the cradle of civilization so we're all African so why can't you pretend to be an African why can't why can't you just be it that's really what it is his name for sending you just say that's what I identify was I get it to me is like when people say like you can't you can't be a general design a male or a female

so I can people say yes you can and that's accept it but if you said identifies Puerto Rican

they're like no fucking what is there any race that would that you in like that is anyways yeah, I think I've got a little bit of a pass to have a pass we have a passport size eyebrows what a fucking weirdo man that's a weird things hair.

when I was at when I was a kid it bother me like crazy and then I got older and give a fuck and then when you get older there's some women that like it that like that are that that that think that's more attractive cuz it's red I know something went wrong what people like what's your weirdest specific thing that you said when you like this when you first started getting into check when you finally figured out what your style was what was the one thing you like that's weird most people don't like that about girls you know some girls like like like like chunky bitches young Jamie over there

Show on Netflix about a girl who used to be fat and then she got skinny and that's fucking I want to watch how would they take that off at so I'll see if I can find some really pretty girl but people very angry about it about the premise why fat shaming what is it called stereotypes for young women

but listen I'm going to tell you guys this really really clearly if your children fat they're eating too much sugar okay that's a fact fix that or try but don't don't just call people fat phobic if your children there's a lot of nonsense that's involved in people's bodies and education and the big one is what they eat has no bearing on what they look like that is horseshit giant fat people in the 20s they were all starving to death they're all skinny in the bread day was never know what someone fucking told me a Jordan Peterson told me that's why we got to look up look this up emulsifiers emulsifiers and he was reading something about emulsifiers that are used in fast rising yeast and in a lot of bread products are responsible for leaky gut they have an impact on people's sense of

what is the gluten and he was saying that like ammo suppliers are basically like fucking shampoo you know you have like oil and water and you pour some dishwashing soap on the water that's in food like that's a similar quality so caught that's what's causing all these like tested it was just a bunch of is the more complex gluten cause used to be that you would get like like if you would have it's like old wheat was like a small little sort of grain was a smaller plants and then they started changing it and I start changing and selectively breeding it with this are doing is making it thicker and more dense and and that way you get a much higher yield per acre but in doing so they also made it more difficult for your body to absorb process that uses fast rising yeast

images emulsifiers in it and then I'm also fires are apparently terrible for your body which makes sense cuz you go to fucking Italy you eat some of that over there it doesn't make you feel the same. Doesn't she don't feel it's thick I feel like you I feel way sick or when I like I feel Dumpty when I get back home so that I can buy online that's from Italy any but it's it's using it it taste better if you feel better I know that sounds like it's if there's someone that it's an American it so everytime I see a fat birds of a thousand bucks. Why aren't they fat and if they let their lifestyle and their food choices

very healthy food the other one I'm just going to have sugar free diet and Jamal fat in the fuck out of just to show Society what's up just wanted to see you and put it on a boat and some of the premise of the show plot I guess I'll be the weight oh my God that is so fucked up that's kind of fucked up wait a minute

you fucking cunt watch stupid stupid promise I didn't but she's getting revenge on people that talk shit that's it right she's going back for vengeance people order so the ideas that girls are going to watch that they're going to want to get the job wired shut they're going to tell their friends to punch them that would be great. Go ahead and hit me in the face I want to lose weight liquid drink up on painkillers in your jaws

the break so easy so vulnerable when I was fighting I was always my job is always sore like you always get dinged like you'd always get in sparring so it could be chewing and eating like this like it's painful a job was always sore you feel it in your teeth do you know how you feel it in your like where the joint is going to realize your job is in many ways like your knee right like you know you need gas or you get punched a bunch your jaw gets or like when you chewing it hurts the most is that the worst words like rib rib a constant rib punching worse the worst is your head always far by far because it's scary one of my ribs like on this side like sticks out more cuz it's been cracked it's all fucked up I probably broke

at least three ribs maybe more I think I broke my broke at least the right I don't know I definitely had some tears in the cartilage in between the ribs soon I promise and I really do much about it when you get a broken rib they don't put you in a cab for a while till it feels up I never broke ribs and I don't know if that paying for him to suck but you're still okay when your head hurts you're scared to All Sports 1 football to basketball yeah man, I like sticking out from under me. Jesus Christ friend whose now passed away sadly he he's gone but he called my mom and was like don't freak out but don't freak out the first words to a parent

I got my fucking news I wanted to get a rebound and that on my way down I just remember seeing the ceiling that flashing a membership hit my head that I bounced up everyone playing was like standing around in shock and I was blacking in and out but I was so it was so strange cuz you don't really know you don't really know it right away I'm good I'm good you think I'm good I'm walking I'm going to get in everybody's like outside and then I remember like clear as day when the EMT fucking grab my hand and he started a walk and I go I'm going to fall asleep I'm going to fall down and pass out if I don't feel good I'm not I'm going to go to Black and I remember I threw up I barfed everywhere all over this puked and then I woke up again in the hospital I was bad that was the worst one I've ever had I had a bruise bruise all these vertebrae in the doctor kept saying how I was inches of pressure away from

cracking from bringing my fucking neck cuz all of my weight went one way that was bad football was bad football was helmet-to-helmet hit that shit sucks I was a kick I was kicking the ball cuz our kicker was and the kids over snapped it went right over my head I went and grabbed as soon as I turned around and then a guy in the sideline goes

I mean I got fuck it I mean everyone was like they were loving it it's a weird thing when people cheer when someone gets Gravely injured people love it cuz it's so fucking insane you can't believe you're watching it that's why the human emotion of like Alistair Overeem fucking left hook uppercut combination but it sent his head like literally he was like looking at his ass hole but it's snack so far it was fucking her any literally flatlined yeah I just Flatline like legs spread out toes curled one punch and it was it was soap

powerful and so horrific that I was like

yeah and put you people are cheering for someone getting horribly injured while I had a moment at at UFC 2 to 5 in Chicago I had a moment where I'm sitting on the floor and I was looking around and Tony and I were you know it was a bit was it was between fights and Tony and Tony goes this fucking awesome man and I go it is and as I'm looking around it like soaked for a second and me that I was like this is like historic in nature of like people Gathering to watch people fight it was so like me to this weird place of like his Miss insane to think that all these humans are just coming to watch these two athletes just a grapple at one another it was interesting cuz the other sporting events don't don't hit didn't hit me like that member when you were a kid and everybody gather round

and people love if you they set up fight two dudes fought over this one girl they were both fucking the kid that they thought he was he was he was just a tough kid but he had he had it was the middle of winter or else I'll never forget and he have really bad acne and the other kid every time he landed a punch you would like to see the redness getting worse and is acting The Blood start coming out of his face the girl but you also get your ass kicked he was even more fucking Brash guys please when she

yeah she watched him do it and the whole fucking school watching and then somebody it would probably win that fight but once I remember somebody taped and tape for getting passed around but this is what about school the school rule things like athletes we always had this guilty by association ship if you're there you get to spend it even if you had nothing to do with it Kodak on duct wait a minute to party and it gets busted by the cops and I don't have alcohol drugs on me or nothing but I'm at that party and it gets back to the school and the coaches I get suspended from whatever there's a Code of Conduct at Netflix I'm sorry just for laughs rather Jamie Netflix are they keep saying that they posted everywhere I'm sure

forever artist Surfer people going to be for artist for the comics for adults grown PDF listen you sell what fucked up people make Compass our purpose the Just for Laughs Festival must be exempt of abuse inappropriate or vexatious I've never read that before I say she's behaviors everyone participating in the Just for Laughs Festival must treat artist festival-goers and employees with equality respect and dignity no matter the gender sexual identity sexual orientation disability physical appearance race or religion

it sounds like you can pick on really stupid people still JFL adopts a zero-tolerance policy on harassment in all its forms whether it is verbal comments actions or gestures that are repeated hostile that affect a person's dignity or psychological or physical Integrity oh so you can't talk shit anymore no that's what we what do we do when we're hanging around, that's the whole thing as a barrier to Artistic Freedom too late let's her on days they got that motherfukers inch teams and security squads what hold on Intervention team and security squads of specialized responders with the mission of increasing the safety of women and vulnerable persons during the outdoor events will be on street festival site

3 Day between 7 and 11 so if you want to molest here's your hours after 11 up to 7 there's you wearing pink

luminous bracelets for better visibility in the dark they will also have a tent located on last night between Baltimore bamboo leaves. French is awesome safety cat Trim in addition if you are the victim of witness a prohibited act okay what's up anything listed above no rape no touching no harassment I'm out early have the grades like they're just covering their ass let's go back up to that what you can't do it again I want to know what vexatious is inappropriate abusive inappropriate

or vexatious behavior appropriate appropriate back alley where everybody goes and smokes every single time it's every time you go back there people just saying ridiculous and annoying frustration or worried thesaurus holder that pulled out if you heard that word before never heard that we were being so overly cautious cuz whatever Insurance they've got on fucking whatever is like you have to give fair warning that we have security for this this in this what's amazing is think about how long it's been going on where they didn't have that

yeah I knew I was in Just for Laughs in 93 that your first what was your first year in just JFL out now that's crazy that's been around forever but I also love it it said that you should immediately email email is your pussy still hurts someone grabbing at you fucking assholes got to email now I'm going to send this in Zero Tolerance at ha ha ha ha

hey let's get rid of used the email you have to email is hahaha I'm probably shouldn't put that email online too late I'm sorry listen don't get us wrong. Yeah I just don't get it but this is really popular you know you get what you get with you yes but I mean look we're not pro harassment but this just seems like a little over-the-top this in some some semblance of irony this is harassing it just like poking the bear at people to be like these are all the things you can't do all it's doing is like staring people to go I wasn't doing that shit anyway why are you fucking why are you employing people to walk around to make sure I'm not doing a thing that I was never going to do well was it an issue is it was a huge issue than that then I'd like to know while drunk and two medians can be gross if you're sure a piece of shit

I mean you need a shirt that says vexations vexations vexations X Me Baby Rex it up I've been fixing all of our small vexatious over here small inappropriate stop being vexatious inappropriate definitions to vex mean memes to annoy or two like poking annoyances such a commonality in our fucking daily life the signed document that all over me today I'm sure I'm sure they post them all over in that people walking around trying to protect people out it's weird it's like you want you need fucked up people to make rock and roll and comedy and rap music you need it you know everybody

no one to be fucked up I think when people love when people like reminisce about a time when a amazing artist who was a weirdo they do that because they don't didn't realize what also came along with it fucking in a whatever an amazing musician of any crazy fucked up shit all the time so they couldn't do that today before you fight before I can do anything today BTW the end of times for him to chill you

Pentagon people in the front row but that's the thing is like that's the irony of this whole performers getting bridled strange women who love music was really into a cold bath but did not like to Marcy's like please anything but the dog does part of it like you wait a minute you don't think Jim Morrison and the doors were good music you don't think that Break On Through To The Other Side is a good song What you look me in the face you look me in the eyes you tell me Break On Through To The Other Side is in a fucking amazing song and it was a 1968 or some shit fuck you man he's like that's just not it's not good music man Jim Morrison the doors you want cuz you just slinging dick half out of it

music lunch out like a scarecrow beads everywhere in his cock sucked candles Riders on the Storm made it in so long so we can finish when he was getting blown out to Break On Through To the other side of the fucking amazing amazing songs but that are of Music That's so much good news that he was also the killer play them that was a big fucking each I mean yeah that was a big bummer for me is a beautiful beautiful man who are not beautiful day so far. I'll just got into cake and heroin

looks like pull up a picture of it makes me sad everytime I see like I'm like I was fucking Batman was a Batman he was one of the best Batman

what are you do you start drinking the booze I don't quite remember what it was rumors about he had he was at covering up he was really sick he had cancer right but they didn't realize it doesn't

I thought he denied it for you I thought it was a good thing where people were like

he's keep that he said he was sick but it wasn't cancer that you like outside Val Kilmer's to red bottle and come back in the Top Gun sequel oh so you guys looking better there let me see that don't grow up stop at the Flash's you assholes who looks like that's what he used to look like and ask me anything weird Reddit so funny but that should have said a while ago Michael Douglas claim do you have terminal cancer what was the story behind that

and he said killer responded

okay you can read that quicker he was probably trying to help me cuz what the fuck did we what the fuck the folks because the the screen got filled with all of these pop-ups for possibly new videos you want to watch while you're watching a video I did have a healing of cancer but my time is still swollen although healing all the time because I don't sound my normal self yet people think I may still be under the weather the weather that's a that's a pretty bold sleep but when he got really fat butts that's one of the reasons why I got cancer I bet he was like really unhealthy because I think it wasn't just see I don't think it was just that he got cancer I think he also was like really fucked up for a while health-wise in terms of luck he just looks so different booze and chant yam

2015 was rushed to the hospital before that receipt before 2015 and it looks like 2,000 what what was scroll up 2015 juice left to the juicy running errands and London without his tracheotomy hole out the Cancer 2013 all Michael Douglas age for oral cancer

his wife too much was not like a big thing that he was like he said it was a rumor that he said find out what the story about that as we probably should clarify as I want to know what she got really mad that apparently I mean yeah cuz she's like yeah that's gross from licking a lot of pussy is diseases that specifically come from sex Michael Douglas I was sorry for the effect of oral sex cancer comments on my wife okay what did he say though inside regret of the embarrassment cause to his wife Catherine Zeta-Jones by the Revelation 2 years ago that has cancer may have been caused by performing oral sex probably just joking no

I think it was if it is illness was a result of Contracting the human papillomavirus which experts believe can be brought on by cunnilingus I love that word the store made headlines around the world when Douglas was promoting his emmy-winning role in Liberace biopic Behind the Candelabra after being declared free of cancer by the way did you ever see that movie is Matt Damon a fucking bit on that that unfortunately has been lost cuz Joey Diaz has never really done a special other than one special couple years back but you to do special on Joey Diaz what you really do you need to have Joey do like five nights in a row and just turn the cameras on every night and just let him go lose me up and then fill it all and then eventually you'll get that Joey Diaz mom

lose On Demand with a bunch of put makeup on him and everything becomes artificial and everyone sits in the wild man that is he's never a lot of his greatest bits or never been captured but Michael Douglas doing Liberace bit that was so good it was so good cuz that if your watch that documentary well crazy Liberace when he got up like a pump for his dick couldn't get hard anymore see it like a little

his dick was just always ready to rock and he just has but his boyfriends like what is going on like you know he would always do this when are you going to find a woman and I'm trying I'm trying the video for the song When Liberace Winks at me

it is

what will you kicked off YouTube for that one yeah can we play it in so we can hear it with the people at home can't unfortunately folks that you can look it up yourself well we can play with that with the people on YouTube not hear it but RSVPs if your Android has more Android phones or iPhones yet fucking iPhone shit so annoying now it's ignoring I'm getting sick and I'm tired of the bullshit Let's do let's go together let's go listen to the song it's Peggy King

hahaha

I found a brand new Idol he's Charming as could be visit different world two different world back then man I'll get Liberace

I like sock and if I start to shake

I start to shiver with every fiber in my being begins to quiver when she smoking right don't you writing to me watch this

Winx

it should I just tell people to go to it go to go to YouTube to see that shit Peggy King when Liberace Winks at me while he was pumping some dude he was known for playing the piano. That song is that sing it all the time now he's winking at me Matt piano players in you like I'm going to get famous playing the piano it look fuck you to get the fuck out fuck you and fuck Kenny G the last one solo instruments fuck off

imagine your kid today and you like I'm going to get famous riding the bike like Lance Armstrong no chance get out of here now no one Liberace used friend May West Jesus Christ yes fucking Pop Ups 2 they're so annoying Mae West Mae West as least convincing beards ever look at him like that make that picture bigger he looks so good I mean there's just people that look gay to he's on her left his buddies and his roommates

yammy West like I'm so confused nobody wants to fuck me this is so weird Liberace had no trouble getting all the dates he wanted and he Glory did escorting well-known entertainers to parties getting his picture taken with Susan Hayward Halestorm Rosemary Clooney and may Westwood computer Judy Garland Mae West was the only one of his so-called lady friends that I actually met as they say in Texas May was a hoot who wrote this to the drunk just a gay website cuz what's up with that guy in the lower right-hand corner it's a quote from his boyfriend that I got book Jamie this song to favorites. That ship Behind the Candelabra

well didn't they put makeup on him and shit and make them look more like living no but it's still close enough yeah but I think they did something with his chin chin the upper right-hand and left-hand the one with the the guy that actually got the work done

yeah I look he he made him get plate fat facial plastic surgery so he would resemble Liberace so you could is face look like liberace's boyfriend he wanted him to look like himself he made his boyfriend look like a crazy is that part of the movie Liberace takes away that's right. Load was amazing in that movie that's a great movie from the pits of all time about that movie I like to get Joey Diaz high and make him watch it again he should read he should rebirth that video was so good

I don't do that shit anymore cocksucker the problem is you would have to he would have to want to do it you really couldn't talk him into doing it and he would also have to be enthusiastic about it again until I have to want to tell the joke bit so it was the story was he was watching the docudrama that is it you can't eat pussy with asthma Behind the Candelabra by Joyce is this it is podcast that's it was my fault that's why I don't go to Mexico if you don't know then

Viagra Mexico have you made friends with Denzel Washington don't go to Mexico you understand me if you don't like the record channel is the movie on HBO called Behind the Candelabra Behind the Candelabra Liberace Story show me you guys are very young you don't remember Liberace there's a lot of people that long in the tooth you know what the fuc Liberace is

Liberace was a piano player from the 60s or 70s that was very popular he was flaming gay and he had a fucking week but he told people he was engaged slowly really believe that he was gay I don't give a fuck either way if you're gay or not I am makes no difference to me he was a good piano player that did this movie about him and the funny thing about this movie was played by Michael Douglas playing Liberace so it came out one day and I'm like fucking let's watch this thing right

so I'm watching is Liberace do if he's playing the piano and shit and whatnot when you watch the movie you like look at this fucking old guys got game

okay a lot of people don't realize like the Dawes Act these fucking guy

never see him hanging out with Betty White and a bunch of old hags do you know he's old little girls like he's not creepy he's just lonely his wife. He just wants conversation he doesn't want none from us he's like your grandpa and all of a sudden does that one girl that goes

Grandpa keep fucking around with these old guys you will suck one of that fucking dicks that very fucking patient a little vagina an old guy throws you in a web

and they play you like they fucking call on you you ladies have been taken by an old guy at one point your fucking life they rock your world and the fuck your brains out you catch him with some good or blood transfusion

I had a friend with a stripper that since you went home with a 50 year old guy one night she didn't walk the three fucking days that's not me it's not me at all I'm just rock your fucking world and Liberace was probably one of my other guy that played in love in love with him was played by Matt Damon okay now I love Matt Damon I'm watching it on my this is going to be fucked up Matt Damon plays a confused kid that he's bisexual and one night he goes to see Liberace play the fucking piano and she goes oh my God he's moving his hands like that and after what he sneaks into VIP and he sneaks in with his little blonde hair he looks beautiful Matt Damon he's all yoked up and shit

A Little Rock she's got his robe on with a sandals and he looks when he sees Matt Damon and you can see he loses his fucking mind

he's just looking at them with that gay Look to Him like I'm going to fucking kill this pork chop when I get my hand on it

Matt Damon sees this and you Santino's a dick idea thank you shut up listen to the folks and then I was checking to see if it's a problem we're watching Santino play with his phone one of those no cases on your phone what's the difference of risk-taking move but wow TV show first world of the AppleCare should it's it's 90 bucks and you get a new one but do you want to get a new one don't you want to protect your phone so you have to go to the fucking Apple Store went out of your phone

cuz everyone says I look this is why I like the phone to sleep miss the design the field is beautiful then we put cases on him and fuck him up they brag about how to send one over there then you shove a fucking case on it loses all the beauty in architecture why I like the phone she was in love with the idea of like the design of the phone and that's an apple Stan's used to be sleeping this design could thin like everything about it was how sexy it was and then we're like yeah I know this sounds stupid but like I have enough money you obviously way more than me but like you can afford to break it so I just don't care if I most Americans that like breaking the phone is a big deal I get it I can afford to buy a new phone I don't care I know you're so honest that's like saying you know some people treat shit some people treat it like that also everyone will go knock on wood I've never broken a phone I've never had a case

what is my 5th iPhone come on I've never in my life never once I've never had a case you ever shut your pants in Japan was here ever I should my pants ever wants to Japan was here here here here here in the studio I'm shutting my pants story we weave we went out the night before I had the most fun I've ever had in my entire life and my stomach was not having a good time with whatever we had for breakfast and I was walking the street we were going to like a temple and I and I like how to play I just had a little a little far came out and I and I stopped and I thought no no no way no way really I could actually it happened to go to like a little 7-Eleven Thai place and in this little tiny room take off my pants take off my shit underwear leaving in the fucking in the bathroom and then then go wrong even shit underwear bathrooms

brood move right now I know some people have to go in there and smell that shit underwear I just posted in the trash can and I covered up as much as I could smell when you throw in the garbage can outside carried out carried us to finger High Dive Right In the trash can and disappear in a lot of places around the world you can throw toilet paper in the in the toilet yet to put in the trash can go to Central and South America and their ass wipes in the trash they all right cuz they don't they can't handle

you fucking cave people fucking cave

get PVC cheap fuck dude in Thailand every bathroom that I went to right next to the toilet has a goddamn garden hose like you would use to wash your car when your thing or not a gentle bday we have those toilets those were they bundles that would you press the button a gentle warm air hit your butthole so nice yeah this was like that all this was a God damn that you clean an elephant with that has green garden hose it's like one of those guns you know you have a lot of pressure on you know that's what it was you can't flush the toilet paper down the loo in these European countries all my friends look at all these different ones Bulgaria Turner clean grease Macedonia you can't flush toilet paper

what kind of thin-walled pipes they have over there that toilet paper break and I didn't want to seem so crazy like what if you have a lot of fiber in your poo like one of your eating a lot of broccoli and you have like elephant I pooped they sell paper that they make out of elephant shit cuz elephant shit is all fiber so they do is they take that elephant shit they wash out the fecal bacteria and they use the actual plant fibers material in the toilet paper and you it's a novelty you wipe your ass with elephant shit see what your shit was shit you're wiping worship what is this elephant poop paper poop paper

future which humans live in harmony with nature and they sell the stuff and you wipe your butt with it

sold here funny I get all of it hahaha family reunions shirt you know what I'm sick and fucking tired of by the way people that make shity slide jokes I think they're funny flight attendants now that art should I try to make a funny little jokes that that's like a culture Now Delta but like they make little cute jokes like if you don't know what we have to drink maybe you've never flown before because it's been the same thing for 20 years and then a few people are idiots on the plane make jokes if I can listen to time just tell me the bullshit and go sit the fuck down and shut up I don't like the jokes this is coming from a guy who makes jokes for a living

Sprite and my peanuts inappropriate sleepover type of shit that you get with an inappropriate like my job their job is to be the Flight of the joke from the side of town are you so rude to me most of them are assholes one lady told me that I put my fanny pack in the overhead compartment firelake it off and out of use it as a bag out of store does a back I'm like why should I go if I take everything out of the bag and put it in my pockets you could do and then she can say she likes remove no one's ever told me that before one lady told me take the fanny pack off I think she just anti fanny pack but you but you know this experience when you flying business or first they treat you like a fucking King and when you fly in the butt of the plane they don't give a fuck about you

but this was in first class yeah but she was doing that because she's fed up with whatever her day was the most time they let you get away with anything I think she was just rubbing she wasn't getting any dick and that's how I felt at the time if any pictures of chubby and you not get any dick is that why you doing this like a dick would be great if she goes you know what yes and then just walked away you want to give me some deck you can wear the fact it is I'll be right back. She Winks it mean to do the things that people thought were entertaining and like the 50's it's so strange when you go back now

like sultry to back then you know that she's like with her pain like this innocent girl writing note what the fuck was she even writing down and then she's she's gone you know just when the Piano Man Winks at me like that the naughtiest shit of the day if I had a time machine what I would love to do is take like all these old folks that are like in in the audience watching that old folks the time right young people like in their 30s. That was wonderful and put on like a modern-day Mumble rapper

20 people on stage with them popping blood yeah but the hair after the rainbow have kids what's his first name is Leslie. Mine was breaking up with her husband at the time and they are screaming to yell at each other and dude starts clawing at himself circle on himself ripped his clothes and call the police the guy did it

so listen it's not outside the realm of possibilities I mumble rapper took that fucking himself in the head of the security to call the ambulance right away I went in this day in age people just doing anything to stay relevant to get attention will do anything it's just really what it's become but it certainly a venue for people that don't have any other options like Kendrick Lamar's not doing that if he's but some people do need that shit then their tattoo in their face and Mumble rap and Pistol whipping themselves face tattoo Parker just got a new one she got a face tattoos has blast wear on his cheek we doing bro he's covered man it's going to

done. It was tired 3 Malone I thought that was hilarious

the face tattoo thing is it's so it's a bummer cuz there is no thought is look what the fuck whole head the entire head right but if you brought his hair you wouldn't see it right that's the thing he did but that is fucking

the the head the full head tattoos a Trippy one-man the top of your head like could you ever get one on your head I'm sure I'm sure if I don't think so maybe maybe the back of my head a big eagle for a big is that a cigar a blunt I think it's got to be that it's gross some chicks I like sex Bistro on the chicks with an Oster one I think is sexy you don't like why it's weird

listen the one thing's cool about it as a girl with a septum tattoo will definitely suck your dick she's not scared of controversy or what so see that go there today video with him where you see it shirts off it's all the way up his neck in his face and shit yeah I mean his whole body and back Jesus that's a strange thing man people do that

coming from a guy with two sleeves what do you think the what do you think the movement is to get another one at this point cuz you have a lot do you want to get more I'd like to finish my right sleeve branching away from the sleeves is it now the next thing you know I don't know maybe a leg maybe a calf get a calf done I have zero how come you don't know we talked about this before I get across your stomach like Gangnam Style gingers rule how about suck my carrot

eat my carrot right above my dick get your vitamin K right here what if I did I would if I did have a bunny rabbit right we should right next to my cock yeah nice you know I do know this article came out about redheads we produce their own vitamin D I like twice the rate of a normal human being inside thanks that's fucking more pale that I am just getting angry he is the thing that's the whole reason why people twice as much vitamin E is anybody else on the planet how do redheads being happy does vitamin D is one of things I fucked people up liking it does it does that's why I tell people do you think most redheads are happy that you think there's a do you think there's a correlation between I don't know a lot of funny Bieber you Louie 3 really funny redhead the majority of American Reddit different

European redheads cuz they grow up and dreary shit right so I can dishes are different will you have son you live in California everyday vitamin D is overdosing on vitamin that gives us some vitamin yeah we make it ourselves but we get it from exposure to a star about these people that just like eat sunlight for breakfast you know the

you never heard of this shit this is real sunlight for breakfast nutrition from taking in the Sun from certain hours of the day that's real I swear I'm going to sleep but when I was doing it so I V show Joe Rogan questions everything one of the things we did we went to this guy who was

he had some cockamamie device that he was claiming did something that really didn't do but when we went over the guy's house one of the things he shows me this picture on the wall some Indian guy from India with like his face is covered in white makeup and I go what is this guy's deal and it goes like Oh that's sweet Bali Gaga you know he hasn't eaten any food or drinking any water in 10 years and possible literally impossible so I said that's not true what is this but he can lift weights but he can he weighs voiced 965 now impossible the socks because old school gym sock old school gym socks are coming back.

what's an old school gym socks that go up to the knee wide sexy because it's like it's reminiscent of like the sexy youth descending youthful about 1980s teen summer movie something about the book The Hot Chick with long socks and a short skirt socks with stripes White Stripes. Chunky shoes big chunky white shoes underneath the top of the soccer socks are good but you know what to make it all perfect fucking striped some color that was an accident in threading

the Diary of Jane yeah keep socks on baby really yeah fucking garbage

yeah that's a look Jim sacks in pigtails entire thread is dedicated to it that's weird science actors of big thing and girls are wearing out of the out of CrossFit and all that shit now that's a big thing to why they wear compression socks what's the benefit of compression socks the same thing as compression sleeves is exactly what it does to claim that it helps keep them in between plays see where rash guards for jiu jitsu evidence like functional but it's comprise it's like you know it's compression it's like it's tight skin tight main function not to get your skin scratched up to keep the muscle tight and warm that's weird that's weird man

what muscles get cold I mean let's let's Google what are the benefits of compression clothes for athletic compression salesman that fucking his ass up and buy some 9 power paragraph for venous blood pooling approve like symptoms and decrease the risk of blood clots and athletes 1 things that I saw when I was in Thailand what they had stores sell compression clothing including face masks and gloves fucking strange man we are outside the store was like what is this what is this session shops do they have for little kids little masks

weird territory pants little masks will shirts is real strange should I should have some pervy that down but my dad used to work with this guy and he would travel a lot and he always wear compression he was a bigger dude you were compression sleeves and socks I stepped on planes traveling a lot that's what that be some people like it for that I think some people use compression socks when they travel up there on planes all the time cuz you do pool and clot on planes are the gym you lazy fuck fact God damn fact fucking compression shorts are going to fix it that was wrong with your body your gelatinous membrane would you like it if they if they see if they have an airline that you can work out on you apply and play pay a premium at a gym in the back of the plane a commercial jet

Barnacles right through the floor you fucking hilarious all kids start getting sucked through the wall your own risk your laptop goes flying to the whole floor dick head wants to do is crossfit workout of the day CrossFit gym in the sky you couldn't you couldn't lift weights there but maybe could have machines machine it's on its way to exercise your next flight abroad could include a gym this article published mae-mae transpose an Airbus project is displaying a prototype flying gem module to San Jose air

the modules can be used for Spas napping pods or gaming center X Type transfer stop stop stop scrolling transpose isn't the first to suggest using cabin space for activities that promote Wellness although such ideas are intriguing a lot of these Concepts don't really count for the business model of air travel says Devin Lydell a principle behind strategist of that he he's What's called the fun stopper Devin you fun Buckhead what is that those are sleep all that's like I like rubber bands if you do like that's kind of cool man see that's reasonable but I feel like so few people going to use it that is going to be one of those things where after awhile it just like you remember when we used to have the smoking part of the back of the plane that's going to be like my mother used to have a fucking napping pods

immediately and he was an enormous guy but and is it was the loudest noise you ever heard in your life

way to make the fuk up I don't know hey hey you're young you're fucking your loud always she belongs to what I've done it and I give me the give you like a fuck you look but it did suck it fuck them I don't want to sit there while the planes quieter you having fucking apnea I don't need to hear it see people cover their head with pillow 15 hour to type a 14 fit something like that motherfuking slight listening to think about that they put on there for a premium people might pay man for long flights in the US but overseas flight people might be like a fucking get a workout in before I lamp take that snoring I bring them back there ghosts in the machine Walker

that's a sign that says everyone pays fathead for workout for free I want to know what what when did people start getting fat fat

small but I mean I mean that sugar documentary claims that it's in the revolution of corn syrups introduction in the truck and I would like to know though like when people is there a rare person like way back in the day that got that fast like what do you think like the six 60s and the 70s things started to change I don't know I imagine when our technology boom happened in the 80s that's probably when it all started well it didn't happen before that for sure but is also like sugary cereals and stuff and does not stuff introduced in the 80s were like that was the end of like natural cereal know they had those sugary cereals in the 70s for sure cuz I was a little kid they didn't look like they are today but I'm incompetent it's absurd I think it was the same but then you think it's because they were using cane sugar than indifferent to everything

convenience to write those you can get any fast food everywhere all the time 24 hours is brilliant and everything they make their buns the Buns have sugar in them they add sugar to the bug ya wow long time ago 3:40 how tall was he was all come to let her just love come I just drank a gallon of cum I'm ready to address the State of the Union but first I need my jizz was this thing rips

did mess them up give me something he was in a mess apparently had like some serious physical ailments and he was in Dire Straits who's in massive pain they said that in like it's like if he didn't get assassinated he would have never done 2 terms would have been dead just from whatever the fuck would have thought it was going on with ya get some serious back problems and so it's just like he didn't look in shape but compared to most present everything you looked in shape look at that fat fuck up at walrus looking mother fucker what year was this food in that hat every 1919 but I bet it's booze right here.

that's so big that's crazy I bet he was so is your fattest president

who's the skinniest President Lincoln that tall skinny motherfucker

that's funny the pictures make him look 250 Photoshop I'm up for that did the trim them up a little bit cuz it's a portrait look big

the Smart Moving the artist they shrunk them up a little bit there and I can look a little bit more Regal should I guess was our most recent Bush was was not out of shape wasn't just a big deal wasn't a big guy Reagan was 10 for an old guy

alright Madison was five four and 100 lb even a real guy that's a fake number what year was that

James Madison or that's tiny

buy for a hundred hundred pound grown man what did he eat people dodging Indians if you were smaller the arrows are go over your head mean if a duck you just stand there

what do you think about you if you if you had a sliding scale of the height of the presidents

the shortest but there was something about the Civil War where they said that the average soldier in the Civil War weigh 225 lb cuz they were like 7 16 17 year old it right most of the soldiers were like children I'm sure we'll most of the soldiers today or young the average size of a soldier in the Civil War I'm pretty sure was 125 pounds you weigh 225 lb he was he was a skinny tiny dude Civil War an average civil war soldier was white native-born farmer Protestant single between 18 and 29 and he said about 58143 that's weird when he was smaller than

143 seems like a reasonable size for that time when there's no food in there wasn't around I'm sure people to join the ranks and they weren't like you got to go to the processor Lakers are going to go fucking kill somebody you think they didn't like measure their size I think they took anything that could get everyone we can get especially in the south of the South was just all against everybody wanted to join in the South and the north people were like you guys up if you have to what's this sequence was 12 holy shit all the stage with a t Gettysburg what are you doing man just go sit down you have to fight man you want to keep that stupid flag flying

did the fact that they still bitching about it did you watch fucking Sacha Baron Cohen's thing this just Georgia state representative to be like fucking hawk in the N word out like 10 times saying why do you say it was the finagles him into doing these fake PSA ads or whatever have like anti-terrorism shit but I'll be given I don't want to give away is one of the head Riders over there he's telling me he was really crazy at the last episode from this disk are the one character that's like these really guy yeah to fucking good is that character trait pull up a video of when he was talking the Second Amendment guy making like to shoot guns for kids

crazy this is mashugana this is a big plush doll on top they put like little plush dolls on kids guns and ships Smokey chewed gum apparently they like those really hardcore Christian Sacramento guys they love Israelis course did they have this is really character doing the character yeah see what clicked ass is going to be the full trailer they won't show yet

TiVo Phillip Van Cleef says the Bushmaster rifle the type of rifle used to kill 20 children and 6 should with tons of fun some of them much more cool than others are you proud of what you said

it's just a fact in America. I've been a lot of shootings in the school and in the University what do the Liberals say is the solution will they blame it on guns

crazy because Bojangles okay wait time them from the age 16 down to the edge tree yeah well I think it would be a good idea then pushing something along this line for years but really haven't gotten any traction with the we were thinking 7th or 8th grade you're talking much younger than that was in the may he rest in peace doing what I love you feel guilty about doing something wrong that's developing if you're learning right and wrong if they don't have to develop a yet they can be very effective soldiers this year in our state government they have a bill put in that would have made it illegal for someone for years

old to 12 years old have access to a gun killed the bill yes what is the logic that these people come up with may just think the children can't handle them because they are they going to show you that we should folks watch that but what's really crazy is the makeup man like to look at the makeup that he's where he goes to Kingman Arizona and he tries to build a mosque and they on their mouth

of course he's dead he makes a joke telling you is we tolerate them we tolerate the blacks it likes it and it sits in the room for a second you like good he's a real people that exist yeah they're just take tolerate the blacks great great name of the show to this is America. He nailed it is cuz he goes I'm a self-hating white man play that play that video Try to find that video it's really fucking funny and then he lays us what is this

huge economic growth hair

everybody

who wants to see an investment off 385 million dollars

guess what you guys are going to get it

Shear to tell you he likes and I'll shoot the location off of brand new state-of-the-art mosque I know some of you thinking okay this is just another typical mosque this guy's is going to be the world's largest mosque outside of the Middle East

just the word alone scares you to me when I go to work lost I think it's this guy for tourism that was just on him to the other dude he's the one that's like the fucking blacks we tolerate it Saturday we have to we do it cuz we have to it's his shoes ready but the perfect outfit asism every detail of every character he does the clothing is my fish some of the funniest shitt it's real specific kind of had to do this because everybody knew what he look like they could just do stuff for people in these shoes famous not in those World they don't if he had no makeup on

yeah and I did hidden cameras it so I know how that works two ways there's money which is always the best way to make him sign before that's that's it this is making sense you know where to be featuring Rihanna said we did this bit Ian Edwards and I did this before, center for the show that never went I've ever told you this but this bit was so fun to do we made a thing called melanin Mayo mayonnaise mayonnaise that she didn't made you darker

realshit and we put food coloring in mayo new Brown Mayo it's a new generation of mayo and so we got people in this test group we know the real people in a real test if they going to take test all the time and I am an example shit we put them in a room we made them eat the sandwiches just fucking mail was mailed to eat the sandwiches all these white people eat the sandwiches and then when they're done we sending this black dude Al and she shows them a video and it was a pre-taped video basically of white people confessionals who have turned you know we Photoshop them into a turn more Brown to turn start to turn black when you start to see results New Jersey cultural results mental resulting are getting you getting more black by culture you getting smarter black you're getting cooler black in your neighborhood to your friend like their face it their faces were perfect if we don't have any volume you to laugh everyone's like wait a minute no one said we be black would be turning black I mean they lost their fucking minds

so scared it was amazing I mean her favorite bit so that made us laugh so fucking hard their faces one woman that one woman to her credit she goes you know people are freaking out in the group people started yelling at him and they're like to show you, and he's black and his wife if I'm black to watch him go it's not as bad as you're making it out to be I mean I was but I was born black and I'm liking it a lot and one woman goes you know it's disturbing cuz it's shocking just to Spring this on me but I don't I'm not scared I could take on being black I'll just let's let's we'll see what happens I mean she was like

turn credits what happens we'll just I'll just live with will just figure this out I guess I mean it was insane that they bought into it but also that that's how we did it we fucking made him sign beforehand and then you pay them when it's over we broke them off more money so they wouldn't say no cuz they still have the legal right to be like I'm pulling that are you pull it or I'm suing you so once it was over did they understand it was for Comedy Central after after everything was said and done and then do they laugh a few did not laugh

but that was one of my favorite bits melon and mayo and it works like a charm people were like this mayonnaise is delicious it was fucking Hellmann's or whatever with a little brown dye in it it's unconventional but I really like it

so stupid that's so funny yeah that was a funny Batman they killed murdered a bit seeing people think they're about to turn black in a panic and a black guys out there and he's in a room filled with fucking white people telling him they don't want to go black it was he saying is he he just was the representative for the company we love the idea we had images and video of people who have turned black of white people turn black but you didn't tell him till after they ate the sandwich Jack lierac first then we showed up and we had said here's a commercial going to run along with it what you guys think and we played before they were supposed to rate the commercial that they do not test group Cena

you know what's so funny you say that we overshot this pilot cuz I think they wanted way more bits for the sketch show and I just don't do a lot of things they said they couldn't they didn't want to are they couldn't hear there's a few things that we're just heated some fucking great bits iJustine County Central Eagle apartment was just having trouble with it cuz he was balls out this thing called gangster gardener where we would went to Bellaire where he just started doing some planting trees with a group of Mexican dudes and they were like look like they were Thug the fuck out and he's like you to come out like what are you what are you doing in my yard so we plant trees mother fucker I'm trying to get this motherfucker looking nice and he's like no I don't want you play Escape 50 bucks in Belleair it was like we got in fucking that was a tough day cuz everyone's like some of the fucking show you I'm going to sue every mother fucker I mean it was like they were fun days but the lot of days and that shit

like going through you just feel peoples of like to anger bubbling over there going to murder somebody but I was ruthless he can give a fighting of a fuck you have to be a certain type of person he would go to any bit he loved and Rachel it was always his favorite was making white people feel uncomfortable to do a hidden camera show you and if he went he was fucking good but yeah Ian Ian and I intend another person wrote a bunch of those fucking weird stupid it's got to be really hard to do something like that today which is interesting about the sarah sarah sarah Sacha Baron Cohen thing as such a good horse to bet on and look at it I'm not just on that YouTube clip that's not even the showtime clip that was somebody else has a hundred fifty thousand a clip

I mean his they're circulating all over the Internet it's it will just get way more traction as time goes on cuz it's so fun yeah he's a killer but all the politicians saying that like they don't even put out the shows there like we got do but I got duped by oh my god dude. Sarah Palin they all came out doing Stolen Valor did you see that yeah what was that about because he said that he was an injured Soldier IX Sarah Palin one I don't know which one it was

things the Sarah Palin when he was a disabled veteran but they were saying you write Stolen Valor something about all this year yeah they're trying anything to discredit it but you tell me a sketch character can play whatever they want I mean that's that's what is that's it that's a no I mean if it's a character in a fit if you can play a war hero in a film why can you play the opposite but born on the 4th of July Tom Cruise okay what's so funny Showtime counter-claim here with the

Showtime counter Sacha Baron Cohen Stolen Valor lamia the counter because it was made public information over the past week about the character of Billy Wayne Reddick Jr Ph.D performance what is the counter

I think they explain what happened it's her to said that they didn't misrepresent themselves they probably thought he was someone who is disabled and he stated that he is not and uses a Mobility Scooter to conserve energy in addition Farrakhan never present himself as a veteran the US military former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin during booking process or during the filming of her interview. Conservative street artist replace the billboard near CBS Television City complex in a Los Angeles with a doctored image of Cohen in a wheelchair wearing an army t-shirt the new billboard was capped caption Sacha Baron Cohen walks away with a hit and a touch of Stolen Valor

a touch yeah he's trying to say that's a slight it's a slight at the at the troops okay but how dare you not though so fun server country truly sick my fault isn't it isn't personalities all you want

the delicate balance balance in Phelan Road on disrespect of our US military in middle class Americans fiacco and she's so stupid and middle-class Americans fuck you you're disrespectful disrespectful trick and middle-class Americans just get as many people in there as you can for Via Collins foreign commentaries under the guise of interview question foreign commentaries what does that mean under the guise of it she's so dumb could you imagine that lady almost became our vice president but you or what what the fuck would they think it was they have could have one she was the anchor the fucking suck that pussy but the idea that they thought that was a good idea while she was a pain man she was such an easy fucking pawn it I don't think so I think she

think she was used as this little this good looking cute item a female smittle American gun shooting she was a pain I think she was a play and it went too far it was almost like they didn't know what they had gotten himself into that I think they thought that was a could have been the angry like that have been brilliant or fucking the dumbest shit on Earth she was the governor of Alaska right they figured hate she's a good-looking woman she's the governor of a state she's a mom when she shoots guy I'm disabled child she had all the things that was like wow what a good PR push it was a disabled child while she was running. Had had a disabled child have had a disabled kid was a veteran right or right that were like perfect for America so crazy it was so cool when they started interviewing are so what what newspapers do you read all of them all of them I can see Russia from my front porch

cross I see Russia from my porch for like sound bites for for American but Trump does the same thing she just doesn't listen to the Paradox of History Malcolm Gladwell and they're talking about this the Sarah Palin incident and Tina Fey actually said that and everyone thinks that Sarah Palin actually said it came from the SNL spoof and completely got attributed to her and she is also ruined that whole thing that she could see it from her front porch. She did say something about she did say something about Russia going to come through Alaska she did say something Preposterous like that if Russia they would go through her rights Snopes which isn't the best place and I'll be looking things up I like they have the article about it and says that this came from an SNL spaghetti

Palin's comment on being close to Russia right she said what I Googled I Googled Sarah Palin Russia from my house and in my house say it Palin on Russia close to Alaska she did say something she did say something to that ridiculous I said something ridiculous enough to make that sketch a fly in Jets dummy and take 3

how to cheat but I think that was just you know remember I can keep an eye on them from here that's the statement comes on the heels of her publicly during at press at some point had said something about it was just kind of like how when Trump said something once he repeated over and over like does it start to drain the swamp wasn't once I was out I talked to Tom Arnold last night I know, I was backstage with some crazy shit I don't want to disclose anything but he's he said there is a tape of him and word mean repeatedly I just made you a face like I was surprised at that for some reason

advice rice bodies yeah and he said people are turning on him left and right because he doesn't have loyalty to those people that are around him so apparently those people are turning on him left and right and testifying and you know giving up evidence and information like everybody realizes the sinking ship we were talking last night I saw the news yesterday about the call that Colin has the tape and he said the Trump knew about it and that's supposed to prove the collusion so yeah yeah yeah yeah he's at work what does that mean that I may not know about the meeting with Russia as a sitting president to be impeached before you can be sure

is that happen do they just have another election do it again this is a thing Hillary's been ramping up the publicity lately big town almost like she's ready to get back in there cuz she recognize cuz there's so much going on to try to people trying to bury him dude pencil be scared to me man that's scary I need a Democrat out there it's not a compromise is completely corrupt person has been embedded in the system forever and might have killed a bunch of horrible I think everyone that you would want to run wouldn't think that's how I was feeling what a nightmare gig

200 Grand a year to be to be what is a 250 with Trump will pay yeah man it's a it's a terrible job now terrible job and it should be a job that many many many people do and yet you want persons involved in the economy ecology environment everything military chicken play God you're playing God's the Puppeteer everything that doesn't make sense or computer Village

yeah it that would come that would collapse as well as two would get mad control all the crops you out of control all the weapons in control all the all the laws you get out of control it even a micro-level the weird thing is while he's president can he start parting people who has had the knee did he ever decides to Pardon a bunch of people while he's president if he does that what is it still good if they put him in jail

if he pardons while he's in office then there's that then their scot-free but are you saying after I don't know if he goes to jail I Don't Know Jack Johnson which is like yeah that's not really going to help Cat Stevens still not part man Peace Train still not finished Susan Wright he part did he pardoned Cat Stevens don't know I'm saying that but what is Cat Stevens in trouble for the United States and Germany also wanted death for Salman Rushdie Google on the Mexico to watch Cat Stevens concert can get them down in Cabo is that true look it up wanna look up Cat Stevens tour dates cuz he went he

I'm being followed by a Moonshadow Moonshadow Moonshadow dirt or did you imagine if we went to see him every fucking fun have your fun piece of the events currently booked a tough time

I think he did it cuz you needed some money how tall is he didn't have his publishing rights or something like that I lost money so you want to tour try to get some checks got some chatter and then went back to the mosque all that cheddar bought some hummus pass it around. It's a musician that a, can't do like go back and do all their old hits yep and still rake it in between the Beach Boys then

they can still go on tour and then drop of a hat and make a ton of money they still do that shit fucking their big show you their John Mayer the John Mayer handsome guy that hangs out with Dave Chappelle from doors with the dead heat or ice man get the fuck pussy and deadheads love it love it love it take never Skeptics of the beginning there in fucking love with that guy cuz they like it right Manny fuck the fucking god fucking insane that's a hat Stevens any more absurd

play some concerts in America in the last couple years Obama the Muslim come back last year the last year he got that left back India wow maybe a couple years ago was before Trump so it's probably one of Obama's last moves in office for sure let him back in fuck fuck the Donald but I got to go within a year maybe won't come back now that Trump president

I mean for money if I can go anywhere I'm sure if it's your last year maybe it's the last the last year was last year he probably won't come back that's so funny where was he living did it say where he was it doesn't say specifically on the fucking news on the lamp by cat was gone guys in Liberty or some shit fuck yeah compound PP sheets off the dogs trained picking up people from coast to coast of the Peace Train people to believe that Islam is the religion of Peace the Sutherland lot of people believe in that shit so maybe he thinks he's on the path to peace and

I think Islam is probably like every other religion right there's factions of Christianity they're wonderful people really calm sweet loving the get a lot out of it and its people that are just fucking loons in the serpent handlers those fucking people as Christians the snakes family been serpent handlers since we was Federal we've been apart of the serpent culture it's serpent or serpent people and they use poisonous snakes to answer panhandler's I feel like this is documented that I have in my queue so much shit I'm supposed to watch them just did I'm going to go run some wild wild country I'm only on episode 4 I need to it's good but it's slow at the big chunks of slow

can we go over this already but that's just them being like

Netflix Netflix 1/6 I want 6 you want sex sexy Netflix comedy specials just from Just for Laughs it's nothing that bill sent me they can't even they won't even sniff one of my fucking fuck I can't even fucking get near them for some reason Netflix wants nothing to do with me I don't know what the fuck their thing is with me maybe I did something wrong years ago I'm putting out so many specials on like I don't know I think it's too much going on and keep up I really don't feel like there's so much, going on right now or stand up never in my life it's it's overwhelming there's a lot more shit, he being put out than I've ever seen or or not you're coming terms in my opinion terms of like

just just call me for the sake now of Comedy that I'm like this is no fucking well put together special people to take time for some of these things are pumping them out there's definitely that to his people to take advantage of an opportunity right eating somebody offers you a shitload of money you know we don't really have a set ready they just fucking put it up that's the one thing that happens with people when they start doing movies when you start doing movies around a set 16 hours a day and you don't really have enough time to write and you're definitely not performing ever no way that is a crazy move to be doing all these films and then do an hour special when you barely have time. Yeah they can do 35 push and 30 on fun shit in between and maybe even 30 man because it's not even 30 look like a real Rock and Sock Em robots 30 really knows probably not a back-to-back 30 Buck bang bang bang bang out there Louie said this to me once backstage I think he's right he's like in order to do comedy to really do it you can

anything else would be the best at what you could do good but to be at your best you really can't be doing anything else I believe this podcast just Talkin at comedy to do a special relationships and still moving and whatever around that is it for comedy it's all branching for it but other things that takes totally away from it because when I go I'm totally disconnected its breath for a while but what about when you were doing acting on I'm dying up here I performed on almost every night I didn't give a fuck I was burning the candle at both ends I didn't care cuz you had to I love you a lot cuz I know cuz I also know who steps I'm locked out of my fucking lose steps I care about acting not as much as I care about stand-up yeah you care about it like yeah it's cool I like it a lot of butter

yeah acting is like yeah I like it I like it a lot it's very rewarding I'm not I'm not I'm not disrespecting the art I'm just saying it doesn't do the same thing for me to stand up does right but what but if I don't go out at 9 and try to make sure I'm I'm booking shows late not dude you lose you definitely disconnected people and people who do it know who they are they know when it happens sure sitcoms of do it to you too because your own set. They killed it for me man when I was on news radio there was a stretch where I was doing I was just an app for a couple years why I wasn't writing any jokes just doing the same shit shit and I was getting disconnected with the jokes yeah and I'm starting a bomb you hate you hate the material yes he loves he doesn't want to fuck cuz he wants it all fucking day so I don't know where he's finding time to write stuff anyway cuz just like no I just like to have fun because he doesn't he doesn't have any time he's 50 things at 1

she doesn't have time to sit down and go try to pump out some new material on a plane on the road two shows today that's an hour on Friday and leave the house in 15 minutes a day last night that time and only do it if it's junk but certain people you I am I if I that is the maximizing of the trunk of being like that just 15 I'm going to make sure the 15 is he doesn't have bits though not the same way too funny guy rants Raves and talks to the truck off and improvs yeah but he doesn't have like a chunk on lava lamps and it shrunk on wrist watches

this not only does he did a couple years ago you know this is obviously no disrespect to Jeff I like Jesse break out of me but what he does his yes that is much more like freeform and he did like a bit and do bits chunk out Betsy's like if he finds a bit it'll be great you know what I mean but he usually just fucking around I watch them in Atlanta we are both in the land of the same time he was just he was not like one of the other Comics it was to do was hysterical for 15 minutes of him just fucking around and then got into like talking about but he's loose also know I mean it one of the funny things that he said was that he's so comfortable with just being funny but I have to tell Andrew Dice Clay he was not disrespecting you dice dice

this whole rant about fat Jeff giving him a hard time he thinks because Garland was saying that it was Rick rubin's idea to do the day the laughter died and it dices like knows my fucking I do my fucking idea upset he's very happy dice Sebastian weird strange fucking via what's what happened there it was like Sebastian had said something on Instagram about Sebastian stealing is actor doing his shit emulating him or something that's who he is I think you should open up for him right

and you're not even going to Kiss the Ring a little bit Sebastian's a grown ass man who built his own career completely on his own and brilliantly so you know anybody shit wasn't it that he didn't talk about dies in his book perhaps that's probably didn't do Crux of it I think that's the layers for the Detroit free for old friendships like that that have gone sour maybe it's layers it's that it's one of my fucking dinner party when you get a guy opening for you for years and then he smashing It season out for Easter so she can kind of go anywhere he's really successful but he's also like is weird kind of famous we could like go to the movies he's famous restaurants famous East Danish but he sells out tickets like he's Mega famous

billboard up it said you know Jim Gaffigan 2828 whatever and I was saying to the, cuz I was with I was like is not funny. Like if Gavin was like walking through the casino there's a good chance a lot of people just wouldn't see him see him but sold out someone go I like going I like going with you to watch out people ask you for selfies my favorite thing is when I'm with Joe in somebody asked me if they can take a picture of Joe that's the look at me for talking hey do you mind to me I'm not his fucking at the bar if you were asking me if you want to converse with a grown man do it

I'm not your like through line to get the job Gaffigan's doing an interesting thing he decided on his own to not put his special on Netflix because he felt like this so many digital platforms on he's going to offer them on all the other platform so he's got it on Amazon's got it on Hulu he's got it everywhere again put out his special on the bottom it says like available on all platforms I have seen that Amazon platforms

clean you don't even like I think this is another way of him being like I'm also not group like that as well I think that he made the decision was that there's just so many other platforms available. Do you want to limit it to one of the many on Netflix already you know might be actually a smarter more lucrative move although the access that people have probably isn't as good as using Netflix is a global brand that's the problem with huge but if you have it on YouTube

YouTube is probably bigger than anything right more people watch that YouTube has a bigger reach but there's way more content on YouTube but who's watching YouTube on television at home and the new Jenner is a lot of kids there. Cuz now YouTube TV is like a big thing but how many in comparison to to watch Netflix and I'm sure everybody watch that ass Netflix at all the songs that ass I would think about the mobile though how many people watch Netflix on their phone a lot when I just did my special they said the people half of people on Netflix watching on the phone I've never pulled up YouTube on my computer I mean I rarely I'm saying I put on my phone every fucking day there's something on my phone that I'm looking up on YouTube yeah that's true it's always always on the phone at the house if I have watching something on my phone and I flick it to my Apple TV or whatever

4 day to that's cool real cool move how long is it

70 minutes 70 minutes. Seems like I'm annoying to go to the movies for 70 minutes opening act you fuck cum on your backstage last night we're like you cuz you a lot of guys on the show last night show will like this choking to go long will a fucking Scorsese movies that fucking main room needs a new AC unit though I was I was soaked right it's wet when you gave me a hug when I brought mine was I was sweaty Pig minutes I was totally drenched by the time I got off the money and now they just need sold out two shows in the main room yesterday are showing the fucking belly

nope doesn't exist social media was saying last night he was like you got understand like just for laughs is going on right now this is a way better lineup and used to go on at the store it was like ghost town ghost town it was like no, runtown anymore August people aren't even coming out now just for laughs you would even know what's happening there still so many bangers in town doesn't fucking matter it's just a weird time where time for stand up best time it's popping yeah you know I wonder what is just so many different it said you can't really have one factor does not just one factor with these the internet for sure is the underlying machine more people have access to stand up comedy through YouTube and all these are the different ways Netflix and then on top of that it's podcast Like Comics get together and people does podcast become a part of people's lives daily lives or drive and then on top of that the podcast are talking about the store like everyone's like the story of the sort of took

tonight your Cricket someone there tumbleweeds the same kind of talk, talk about the store out the store's romanticise by Comedian says just like that it's that's why when you look at the look at Instagram for The Comedy Store every time they put a line up Reid almost almost every single, will have someone go fuck man I wish I didn't live in XYZ I would kill to be there Wednesday Wednesday night Thursday night for a flight I would do it right now if I could afford it I would kill we have this virtual reality thing the HTC Vive you put the headphones on the goggles on ear plug you feel like you're in the room with that like that would be an amazing way to broadcast and up in your living room fuck yeah you could be at the store

swear on your fucking couch just standing up a better cooler not cooling being there and I'll be in there but cool in a unique different way I think it's just another ad right like to me you always going to want to live performance cuz we always have in the history of humanity we love watching performance life and that's just another way for people to access who physically can't get there to be there cuz you feel like you're a part of it but to actually beat someone in there in the virtual world that would be just as I mean for people that can't physically be hurting us just as close as you can get this is the best you can get when you're there it's live and I'll just a different kind of thing Noah stand up to me on tape has ever been as funny as it is life you did the best you can hope on the television show Suits you just kind of capture a feel of it when you're doing a special for television what is this is as close to there getting right now holy shit oh this is like a verb

audience in my cave almost like fake movie theater type situation and they're all watching the screen together I'll look around and see people in the world that's that's fun so you sit down and you feel like you're in awesome seats at the World Cup this is happening at the same time that a couple websites are starting with her calling watch parties where you watch videos I know about friends together at the same time this is the actual World Cup with those goggles on that and you're fucking in the third row look how good that looks too and then look at the Hardrock add so they can put adds up well that's what I kind of start making all their money damn that looks amazing cuz I know you seen a lot of sporting events a green screen on their ads Scrolls so they can change for television mean it'll just be that to be the same thing to do now dopa that be for UFC fights fuck

Mama experimental things all the time right that they try out then they don't you always use them yes yes that seems like the best one and that we could be in the cage you put a camera on the fucking guy was the referee in the refugee camp to shoulder cams some hip cams to put cams all over them Camp Circle I can make the pride and pride Ace Hood Go Pro in the gopro's yet he would be able to see it from the rap can put those are just a really good cameras that used to be shity the Pretty God damn good now I mean for VR they got to be really good cameras right. They can get it now I think they could probably could do it I bet someone could pull this are GoPros always with that fisheye lens don't like that they're built with the fish eye on it for perspective field of view

what is the fisheye looks great I think you're trying to recreate your eyes you have on you know you have a hundred and eighty degree or five more than that's the problem everything's gets all stretched out I don't think anyone's figured out that yet too hard like that like what for Kay's is inching towards of Life of live broadcast in 4k is crazy is it 4K is more clear than the human eye can see there's elements to it that are clear than what human I can actually see and they're going higher than 14 mm camera that phone with the red the red the name of it but it's a red so it's a cell phone like with the red the camera the red technology company red may explain Brad that's like a super high on camera they film movies with ins $4,000

the $5,000 battery or not really but suck it too expensive anyway so this is supposed to take a modular piece that supposed to work with some systems they have coming in the future this like the base of the of the phone might connect to a camera or my connect to a series of other things might be in place I think they actually said this has two cameras on the back so anyway the other cool part of it is to display as holographic which no one's actually seen you since it's a new technology like playback convenience when did you buy it or do they clip you for how much were the same prices of iPhone to 1200 East Truxtun red because it's not me know but they're also getting time short tons of VC investors to keep pumping money to keep that going

sing its technology it is so far fucking ahead of their trying hard to get the hardware to a place where it works when is it supposed to come out some people not like there might be the testers Out imagine some magical day like then I can tell you but I call you Stacy Francis on the Samsung Galaxy Note 9 comes out it's coming out now parents can have the most storage of any phone the biggest batteries in a 4000 milliamp battery is going to supposed to have the insane cameras this is like Samsung's last hurrah with a note and if it doesn't work this time they just going to stick with the galaxies does the Galaxy S9 did not do well didn't sell well but is an amazing phone but it was too close to the Galaxy S8 it wasn't much different was just like an incremental Step better as opposed to like the iPhone 10 is kind of way better than the iPhone 7 you know the seven and eight it's just like the shape is better the fact that all it has

this little tiny little Notch at the top it's all screen pretty dope Cameron that would have never been up there. Notch. He was such a meticulous fucking dude has an amazing phone called the mate are or the P20 Pro this is the way the company that Trump is keeping from selling cell phones United States and there was an article here I'll send it to Jamie it was an article that we were talking about this yesterday with dr. Deborah so and then there's an article on I think it's on BG are here I'll send you the right now but they're saying there's no reason why they shouldn't have this phone for sale like this I'm fucking weirdness going on but this

this one Porsche Design made their own version of it Porsche Design made a mate 10 RS the cut like Rally Sport like their rent I for RC cars like my GT3 RS and they they took away the notch like fuck that Notch language going to have a thin says on the top then one on the bottom can of a notch Porsche Design's like them but that's what I feel about that guy I got mad at a guy that when I said I said they fuck me over on an appointment or something I was being a dick and I know you know if that guy was alive this company will still be doing better and he was like okay that's me that's me it's about the keyboard fucking up hot news smartphone Trump tried to ban dropped its lowest price ever on Amazon but this is the problem is it's the best Cameron any smartphone it's three cameras on the back

It's fucking amazing 40 megapixel camera but the problem is it won't work on all bands in the United States because it's European design it's not it's not the the bill for the sense only it's only GSM so you can have to use it on AT&T or T-Mobile buy one by one for 800 bucks but it supposed to be the fucking shit and the the the screens amazing be able to jailbreak a minute be like this phone to make them easier to design for the same band so you could buy right now 795 bucks but the thing is it's just I don't think it works exactly the same I think if you have an AT&T phone will see that's a Sim factory unlocked so you can use any international SIM SIM on those yeah but the problem is the radio the frequencies that it picks up it doesn't pick up the same all the same bands that sound like AT&T has or T-Mobile has has not work with Sprint Verizon US Cellular and

CMA Camp because it's right but the thing they're saying is that even if you get a GSM network like AT&T or I'm have to ask one of the dudes that I know like Scott Lewis from unbox therapy or flossy Carter those guys that do those videos they would know 40 megapixel camera 5.1 was one phone call and dial in the numbers there are so many other ways you can communicate with the people you need to communicate with and still make a phone call the places where you can use that Wi-Fi you also get signal that you could use that phone on the real issue is in the places where signal sketchy like weird rural areas

doing it for years has no cell service. Just going off of what Starbucks sell Wi-Fi or what you doing all the places you go to when you're in your car driving down the road this is the point you're not going to get a service I can get cell phone service but with AT&T or T-Mobile they would have some service and he's weird areas that's the only place with these phones be a problem is the weird areas in La it would work areas in like there's more problems than just not being able to look after the fucking looking for pussy looking for for how do I look for obscure pussy I don't like pussy where buddy environments

shut up and eat your company force you to listen can I bring you something or poetry that might be the worst thing other than I want you to listen to my music and have a seat and play my music for you listen to my shit this record on where's your bathroom I'm leaving now fuck out I did that that's a really fun night we got into it we got kicked out of a party for being fucking rude and obnoxious and his famous chick took us back to her place with her boyfriend and we're all hanging out and he's like dude let me put on my shit not I'm not kidding he's playing his music my buddies looking at me like how we can get the fuck out of here I go I got to go to bathroom what do the bathroom left my buddy that I took off

I did but if I did I was going to listen this bullshit I don't care if they're fucking famous I'm out I'm going home if you did that to me I would cry laughing if you left me in the living room and they were like where's he going to take me like 6 times I didn't respond I will be Hollywood outbreak that motherfucker left me cuz you put on that music you put on the music I think the music is great but Andrews like he's a big music fan and like I said handle it

woodsprings bitch on Andrew Santino will be with me two shows sold out sold-out Hardman and next week and come see me in Philly if you're out in Philly come see me next weekend Chicago Theater to brother that was awesome

Kansas City August 10th St Louis and something other than August 10th the next day

yeah thank you everybody thanks to Dan thank you to the Cash Out download cash app for free in the app store or the Google Play Store use the reward code Joe Rogan all one word you'll get $5 in the cash app will send $5 to Justin wrens fight for the Forgotten charity and we're also brought you buy Express VPN protect yourself you fux with expressvpn cost less than $7 a month protector online activity today and you can get 3 months free at expressvpn.com Rogan that's Express Express vpn.com Rogan for 3 months free with 1-year package visit Express VPN. Com Rogan to learn more okay we get it we're fucking done for today but we got a lot more shows coming next week cuz it's oh yeah oh yeah

Felipe Esparza is going to be here Sean Carroll will be returning John Joseph lead singer the chromax that would be awesome I got a lot of good shows got a lot of shit happening very excited all right love you guys and gals and non-binary folk big kiss to everybody

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