#1179 - Nikki Glaser

October 3, 2018

Nikki Glaser is an American stand-up comedian, podcast host, and television host. She is currently hosting "You Up with Nikki Glaser" on SiriusXM channel 95.

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Hello friends my new Netflix specials out right now it's called strange times available for streaming I think worldwide I should probably check hope you like it it's available right now I think it's my best one I really do I think triggered was my best one up-to-date I think this one's better I hope you agree if not go fuc yourself this episode of the podcast is brought to you by the cash app ladies and gentleman do you know about the cash app cash app is the number one ranked app and Finance in the App Store and for good reason it's really a fantastic app it is also a debit card the cash app gives you the cash card comes for free with the cash app and the debit card cash card as a debit card it it's not just debit card but it offers you instant rewards that come pack of Premium features that not even a credit card to an offer like boost with Boost you can save up to 10% at Whole Foods Chipotle or Shake Shack and many more of your

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all right let's just keep cracking my guess today is a hilarious stand-up comedian and a wonderful person you might see her on Comedy Central or numerous other things she was recently on The Tonight Show give it up for Nikki Glaser

The Joe Rogan Experience

I would like yeah we were just talking about sober October and Ari shaffir into the speculation that he may be in fact do it running some Shenanigans we do not know it seems to be Shenanigans at play hairpiece to he went to strong the first day I just don't I don't believe that you could sustain that amount of that heart rate for the percent of his max heart rate for more than an hour and 20 minutes which lucky might just be trying to kill himself he's got a strong will impress your boss but he is Shifty and not like

definitely going to do some weird stuff to get ahead in this but he also knows he's going to lose to get onto the stage and he had it like sealed up and then open it in front of everybody and apparently the smell was like so horrendous people are bailing out of the room and gagging and throwing up a public health hazard you not supposed to like have shit human shit in public he's so weird and everything for them to be running out of the room done everything and seen everything in the R&R still freak them out on the live podcast of taking place in a small room to a hundred people in it I love it I open till

no I was not scared to that the fact that he entered into this contest at all and it doesn't work out at all for 10 years and then he's like there's a fitness contest in the loser has to do something we haven't totally determined that the loser has to do re wants us to like each other

what he might not lose right now Tom Segura is in the bottom. You guys at the bottom I think he obviously set to win this thing but I think Tom's going to pick up he's playing it down you looked at his wrist yesterday you go what's a thousand something that's nothing just like calories to burn the date of thousand Tom's Tom sneaky like that I really think he's going to he's going to do something from one of you could pull at but you're the one I mean can we talk about what you did yesterday break Birch will that's what I'm really trying to do you talk so his Mickey Mantle Gene shit on my mother fucker I'm crazy and I understand I will work out twice a day like that I will try to give you a fucking hoe

tag you fat fuck I would love to

you'll kill him how long he's going to keep it up because it's very competitive with weight loss challenge Tom stayed steady and Tom one in the end and one was too little too late and then you try to catch up it's going to be too late and he was right

I don't know if birds will can be broken has it been broken before well it's not as will it's the discipline aspect see when you deal with an entire month 31 days of having to get after it so how often do you get after it normally see that's the thing the difference between me and Bert is I workout almost everyday already so for me it's just like those days off don't exist anymore so what I've decided to do on my days off is just do shit that I wouldn't normally do so I'll do the elliptical machine for 2 hours or I'll do something else I just I'll do something else but the whole time I'm thinking I'm going to break Bert I'm going to break her talk to you or Mickey Mantle G you really trying to get past that point where you're either you could do kickboxing or even on an elliptical sometimes you got to get angry and you think of bird right now

breaking burn breaking his will you guys are all addicts in different ways

that's because you're right you already work out a lot you're extremely healthy guy but you're not going to take it lyrics I can see the excitement on all of you to take this to Justin excruciating level because if it gets obsessive and it gets fun like you didn't work but that's the thing I'm excited to talk to you at the beginning of this when you're still pumped up about it and it's like you get a high from working out for 3 and 1/2 hours a day for you I don't know who knows you know did you ever see there's a really interesting documentary with Eddie Izzard and Eddie Izzard who's not a guy and really good should you see it I didn't see it but I know it's amazing what he did was he ran around Europe he did a marathon a day with no training I mean no training he wasn't he wasn't shape he was overweight his feet weren't prepared

he got destroyed and I watch this in the beginning I watch shows like how it's going to do this and then towards the end I was like wow this guy is a force of will just sheer will and his wife is not that he's exercising consistently in this is just he's just going to do a little bit more and really push himself hard no no exercise just like I don't think he exercised at all or if he did it was just he just had a normal body you know it didn't have a body of someone who's used to a marathon a day out of the sky anyone could do that but it's so mental mental I think a lot of comedians have that maybe I'm just doing the thing with comedians getting themselves in the back for be more interesting than other people like we do all the time so much more broken more willpower but I think

miles a day because he doesn't want to do V he thinks about like a day where he'll be on set and want to just call it a day and not push through and it's like how it all relates like to be in the middle of an hour set and you'll be tired and you just everything can relate to being on set in the middle of a set and that run 5 miles a day making yourself do that means you can get through anything and so I run a lot and I have I think of it the same way it's just endurance to perform for an hour every night that's insane that we do that I'm ordering the shelf so if you are in better shape exhaust more robust, I mean in some ways if you're doing like an hour a night especially for doing two shows tonight right you owe it to yourself to have an energy Reserve

running some monotonous and if there's so many times we could go I could just not do this and who cares but when you can give up it always you never regret it I'll say that you never regret keeping running when you could just walk you're forcing your mind to take control of your body and you forcing your mind to ignore all of the aches and pains and although the desire to quit you know that you just have to like my friend John Joseph says it's best you said you got to tell you what your mind as to tell your body with a fuck the bosses Dancing with the Stars that's so physically exhausting for it was a month of my life everyday for hours a day

before and but it was I didn't realize how mental at all really is

flex it's so mental I didn't realize it because I've never been an athlete my whole life but before I got into this competition I was like reading all the books about like why I am where I am physically that's not going to change so I better figure out a way to mentally overcome some stuff and I was able to but man it is it's all that I feel like a lot of times and it broke me in many ways mentally and physically but it was I mean it was my sober October for sure it was working out every single day and trying to beat Bert bunch of dancing lessons for a movie that I was in called zookeeper with Kevin James and I had to learn how to dance and then I had to learn how to dance with Leslie Bibb from Talladega Nights the movie the scene where we dance in this ballroom and you realize how difficult

it's like four hours were practicing is moved and it's fucking monotonous and here's the thing I don't give a fuck about dancing I told something like I had to force myself to do that I didn't really want to do but I don't give a fuck about if you just do whatever you want but when you're doing this very specific pattern to certain music and oh yes it's the same

James Rosario Dawson yeah we had to practice this shit over and over again for weeks and weeks is exhausting

there's a lot to it

it was the stupid dancing is so hard and just like you well that's good

I don't I don't care about it I like I don't hit something when I want to be good at something I will give everything to be good at it and it and here's the other thing if you have a natural ability to begin a song goes when I walked into this I've never ever been like you got rhythm girl from the slightest nudge towards any kind of having any musical ability or I've never danced at weddings I don't dance at concerts because I just know that I'm going to be made fun of in some way and obviously no one's even thinking about me but in my head it's it's my most insecure thing to do I would rather have sex on on on TV

turn down these things when they're offered to you I feel like especially if there's something that scares you that much as this dead I was like what do I have to lose am I going to die doing this what's the worst that could happen is I'm voted off first and they say really means the judges say mean things about my yeah listen I got eliminated less than like a week ago from the show that I gave everything to answer I don't know what I'm doing and I did a whole dance and I didn't mess up Joe like I and I got very injured the day before I couldn't even move I couldn't get out of bed I had to have help because I tore something in my back and I came at mentally I talked myself out of having an injury meditated my way out of it which I've done with several different injuries in my life of just like I got to be better

tonight and I couldn't move I couldn't brush my hair because my arm was hurting so bad that morning so I just started saying to myself you're strong you're prepared and this is easy you're strong you're prepared this easy and it said it three thousand times out loud in the makeup chair all day walking around slowly going from this kind of injury walking like in the morning to okay I'm strong and prepared this is easy and then I've been at the end of the day I was on live TV and I cured myself mentally it was insane but they were so mean space especially Len Goodman the British old cranky judge me awkward like I said I just wanted to walk away from the show not being like a white girl dancing meme

and he made fun of me he was like you cuz at the end of it I just dance like it was just me being funny cuz I obviously I just completed a dance that if you watch it's not that terrible I was very injured that morning I was proud of myself because you will awkward and you can't dance you can't dance and then he he said other things that I just I kind of blacked out during it cuz I was so sad and I was just holding onto Tom Bergeron for dear life and and then I got eliminated first so it's so funny to me because I took on this challenging like the worst that could happen is that I get eliminated first which I surely won't do because that's I can't be that bad I'll be better than people and I wasn't I was the worst my worst fear did happen I got made fun of on TV I got eliminated first and you don't like being on a reality show like have you done a reality show where it's like and the next to the first the first contestant eliminated

on the show and then there's there's a spotlight on you and I'm staring at the stage like just a slat in the stage I'm just staring they're being like they're going to say Nikki and glad they're going to say Nikki in Globe and Nikki and just like I'm on a reality show right now getting eliminated it was so surreal and it sucked and I loved the shy wanted to look keep going I wanted to do different dances I like was ready to really cuz I just had to learn how to dance to learn how to do because I've never danced before my life never learn some more Karina like I was I took myself out of any kind of dancing that was offered to me in school because I was just like I'm a bad dancer I don't want to make fun of me I'll never dance and I sign up for the show I learn a dance I mail it as much as I can nail something I was very proud of myself and then I get eliminated and hit it really obviously I'm like still I'm just has anybody ever

I would love to do it I was almost no but don't you start to do that and then come back next year I think they'd want me back

I think it was because of my dancing it fell

eliminated from one of these shows that you just go they don't someone at the top doesn't like me there's something else involved here it's not like it's probably just but out of 13 people they lie to me beliefs well maybe just being honest you had the worst performance

is not possible I mean you you don't dance look like it nice I was on with you I probably would have to work performance I don't fucking dance right so it's like you think about your base that you're coming from you're not a person but if you have this in your head and you decide to take dancing lessons and you do it on a regular basis just once twice a week for a year you can be fucking amazing by time next year rolls around I really I got to see if they allow people to enter a second time a lot of people say know a lot of people to the commitment yeah there's a lot of people don't have the courage or the time or the interest in them

that was in with different hoes to the same host cuz the first time I did that was in college and I like there was no reason for me to even get as far as I got that I was I just realized it was rigged what did you ever hosted do it I was one of the judges there was a real issue with one season not with mine but we had Butler Drew Carey and a couple of people they protested because the person they voted for did not make it through cuz the producers decided that they knew better and because they wanted the television show to be more interesting so they wanted someone more controversial or whatever whatever it was so is his huge deal with it like we don't know why are we here as judges do not even counting our vote this is all a puppet show like what what's happening here and then it was also conflict because one of the guys who is a producer was also a manager of some of the people that were on the show

and people like what the fuck you know is there was a lot of issues it was a lot of issues with that show like I would tell people like that wanted to be on Fear Factor like they would say Hey man can get me off your fact I'd say stop right now there's a very specific rules about game shows like I can't even talk to you if you want to be on the show I can't say hey man I'm going to get you in the show cuz I like you and I'm to help you I can't do that if I have to go to remember that that show quiz show movie based upon that guy said it was a great thing to have him keep winning until they reach the show and because of that there's actual federal laws about how you organize and Run game shows it's it's there's a real loss

that's why I think I can't go back I really what I love this idea I would like to tell ABC I am interested in coming back and not getting enough and I guarantee you you can go back I just want to be a dancer

comedy because I just wanted to focus solely on dancing and and I started to incognito said because you do something for hours a day that you're terrible at you want to go do something you're good at just to like get your ego back in place. I was beaten down four hours a day of just I'm terrible and I was able to get to a place where I can kind of have my my teacher gleb savchenko is one of the best dancers in the world he would just say hey lady I've never been a teacher teaching dance since I was 14 years old and he was like I've never met someone who is so bad at that like I've never met someone special needs dancing like if this word it's I would be on the short bus for dancers I just don't have whatever it takes what it takes is you never answer size do you know how to move your you're not ambulatory I see you walking around disabled and anyway but whatever some people are

what that gives him a natural rhythm in like ability to dance I don't use very little and a lot of it is just a bunch of Dancing Yeah me think about it mean if you never played basketball and you want to play basketball with God damn yeah good luck you think that good luck on the ground like you're watching at home being like why can't this girl do this cuz it would be like but I couldn't get or walking and clapping together and I can just picture people at home watching me struggle and be like I could do that like I say to the computer when I watch this stuff until you do it you know how hard this is it look everyone assumes that they can do it just like to stand up but here's the difference was stand-up is like people just like you did

throughout your childhood and growing up be like you're funny you should say that what we do that's kept us that made us even try it in the first place who was the first person that you remember being like you're funny and specific that I'm still very good friends with his name Steve Graham he's an opthamologist actually and when we were we were friends I was 15 and he was probably in his late twenties and we were training together we're doing martial arts together and he was just just do impressions of our friends and and he was like you should be a comedian and I was like what the fuck out of here are some things that you think are funny because you're fucked up to or wanted to make people laugh that were around me I didn't you know

open mic night and then I realized when I was in high school when I was a senior in high school this girl I was dating we went to see Jerry Seinfeld at the paradise was his big club and in Boston this is guys incredible he's just talking and all these people laughing with this is amazing what a what a crazy ability to do that you know and just wow blooming and then a couple years later I was doing it weird it is

let's I would love to see a picture of you in that crowd that night never haven't been on stage with the mic like and then look at you now it's just so crazy those moments of like in your life where you were like Jerry Seinfeld show going I could never do that to me or like one in this the same so that's that's cool but that what I'm saying is that you need these people in your early on you need to be I would never had someone like you to give me any kind of Direction and then it's because I always tell when I see people like something in someone I try to say that because you don't know if you're the one person that's going to get him to go do it

tell friends that I have that are funny I'm like you should just try it just go up in an open mic. Give a shot I was just saying if you want to do it do it now because you're going to do it eventually you're going to regret what you might not do any nurse she was fucking hilarious to me you should fucking do, that you really should try it and she never did it and now I went there for years I was like and she thought about doing it when you go on I'll go I'll go I'll meet you there I'll help you I'll introduce you to the whole process will show you how it works I'll show you there's a sign up people go up lesson she's not meant to do it it's like it's like you have to be fucked up to want that kind of rejection and humiliation that we got in the early days at the early days

do you like people see you now you go up in the main room at least gentleman Nikki Glaser laugh thank you goodnight seems like fun hey that seems like a great gig but see you when you're an open mic and you're around all those fucking psycho pass or signing up for open mics they're all smelly and very pretty please call Beetlejuice please don't be like that say Nikki that you want to really work here come sit on Craig's lamp Uncle Craig he was a fun guy I so love that place classic road CD did not you're going to get paid the full amount I was just there a couple weeks ago and I did some crazy outdoor place some outdoor Amphitheater was awesome

great. I didn't even know there was bad about encouraging people early on because I told me you should be right before I tried it because I was going to be an actress and then I was like really good at this and I'm not I don't care enough to get good at like I see what it takes to be great at being an actress that was like oh I'm I care enough about this to like go through the worst of it and get good but I also I've been exploring wrestling staged blowjobs I've been talking to

when I think it's the same thing because I'm not like great at them I've never been like while you're the best at that since and I've never been a girl who's like I love giving blowjobs and I've always heard girls like there's some say that like I love sucking dick and I've always been like that to you or just have two guys just called bullshit on it because there's a way that you can enjoy it like it's not that comfortable of a thing but maybe you get some what's the the compersion where you enjoy someone else is that the difference between me and those girls is that those girls the first time they give a blowjob I guarantee or one of the first times bug I was like you're amazing at this really good because what a girl is told or anyone is told early on the first time to do something that like you wasn't even natural Talent at this you go I I do and then you do it again and again cuz

like I'm good at this this is my thing and then you get good at it and you're like it's my thing but no one ever said that to me about blowjobs early on it was always just kind of like a means to an end and I feel like it's so what is the mic lied to me so I can I ask a girl if you get a blowjob in its like mediocre you're the best at this ever like this is the best I've ever received cuz she won't be so it'll make her feel good what's it going to hurt that she thinks she's the best at this thing that she's not that great at it but she'll do it a lot because she'll be like I'm great at this and this guy thinks I'm the greatest at it so should do it a lot and then by doing a lot better and then everyone went home maybe or she could just suck a lot of dicks and people will lie to her and then her self-esteem gets shattered if she runs into the one dude to the fuck you're good this

music everybody told me I was great no no I'm not good at this at all it's all teeth and you're always choking this is crazy

what is really good at some can meet a guy that's like your teeth because everyone likes different styles so I think that you run that risk regardless maybe some guys some guys like before that was it that's a really good point. Schoolgirl outfit when am I doing a lot of but me and my friend have talked a lot about how we just are insecure that were bad at love jobs and we've taken classes at Babeland who's teaching the class of girls or guys

I've watched tutorials I just it's just not getting through to me I just I haven't I try like bad because I think the first thing I heard about blowjobs was that the first complaint I would hear around me was too much teeth and I've always had like really big teeth and some like tomorrow who is this is like a buck teeth as a kid so I was people waste called me like a beaver I would like that my teeth are going to get in the in the way of this so I immediately that was my biggest issue and then you learned that like that's easy to like work around and then swing would but my friend said that she learned this new trick works when she's hooking up she'll do a role-play of like will you teach me how to do a blowjob but she's actually like wanting them the teacher and so it's a hot thing we're like she gets to roleplay but she honestly doesn't know and gets in the guy tells her exactly what to do and then if she messes up it's like part of the character as opposed to her being

so that's my next thing I'm going to try it so the guys invested in the project if you mess up your own because you're trying to make you feel better you fucking loser by the way they were all bigger than yours all of them exactly why I don't know I am a lot of thoughts about sex obviously is very much like that no pun intended as like a sex comic but like cuz I just did this ABC show Dancing With The Stars in the whole time I'm trying to be on my very best behavior cuz I want to play the game I don't want to be the sex girl kicked off in the first episode

you do nightclub comedy you're there for adults we all know that right now that's why I'm talking about it but it sucks because I have ambition be on being there with you because it is my wheelhouse I'm most comfortable talking about it it's fun to talk about I have a lot of pinions about it I was trying to behave myself so much on Dancing With the Stars because I don't want to be labeled as that but and I also was like dinner since I was 21 and then I didn't because I was all through high school I was just like scared of guys I don't know why I was just scared of intimacy scared of boys couldn't didn't kiss a boy until I was 17 and even then it was like one shot deal and then I didn't do it for years and then I got an eating disorder which like push men away

because I look like a skeleton and then as soon as I was able then I had sex but it was years and years until I started like drinking I couldn't quit drinking and I couldn't have sex again about how many people have gotten laid because of booze do you remember when there was just a few years ago when they were trying to push this narrative that if you have sex with someone who's been drinking that your rapist even if you're drinking to this is like weird third-wave feminist nonsense when they were like adults like to have a couple of drinks you're not supposed to do that because they can't consent because they're drinking and so people were literally calling people and accusing people of rape because they had sex with each other while they were both drunk it was a real weird time and it Dave abandon it because it's so Preposterous in the pushback was so hard but you're responsible for yourself every other time when you're

if you're driving you responsible if you get the fight you responsible irresponsible person or exchanging pleasure than you are not responsible for your actions you can't consent to that because you've been drinking and then it becomes rape and it's only really only rape in the case of the guys it's never rape like a girl rape a guy cuz the guy was drunk stories of where that's happened where guy wakes up from a blackout in a girl is so yeah I obviously it's not the same sex if we if we didn't have alcoholic So Beautiful People. 30% of the people having sex

77 years in December from alcohol yeah yeah I was hooking up a left and right it was so scared of intimacy I'm going to therapy the whole deal you doing all that jazz, I realize that I'm not going I'm not having sex and it's not fun I'm hooking up with ex boyfriends which in you know that's cuz there's no pressure there like if this is me when am I going to catch feelings it's like they've already been had or their bubble up again I can't even imagine doing that but it's so much easier to just

have you guys ever had sex for the first someone literally two people raise their hand and over in the main room and exactly you're so no one gets abused for sure but it also gets used used correctly like there's there's good things out I think it's a technology that alleviates a lot of your inhibitions and it makes me feel better and for that reason you are you an addict I mean is it possible that you could drink a little bit I be fine drinking little bit I know I would you say before you wake up in the gutter exactly

I know how I am with weed and I have to I start out and I go on skit high as a treat and then I have for the set and then it's like in the morning and then I have to go get back up again is that what you doing right now if we'd like you say You're Sober B series silver with alcohol but you smoke a little weed for Dancing With the Stars cuz my short-term memory was shit and you can't learn I think if you already knew it if you had it locked in your memories and it would be good cuz you would like feel it more yes it was terrible for me so I quit for 3 weeks and then started again

give me smoking weed again and it's already like

it's you know the Snowball Effect is in is in play but we'd does not derail my work ethic it makes me work out more it makes me think in a different creative ways to show me when it starts interfere with like my voice if I start getting like horse Mark and then radio every morning and then or something why don't you use Edibles I do but those aren't I like to feel it in my lungs and I like those too but again those my voice too I don't know what I'm doing wrong

yeah I would go with alcohol but I will say like I just could see it snowballing into a point where I would quit again but I just have never I miss drinking a lot for the sex thing for the dancing thing we just dancing to music in general like is sending text messages I don't want to send reading at the guy they don't want to talk to in the morning all of that anxiety but the hangover that's what I'm avoiding is the hangover and I don't have a hangover yeah you can hangovers from weed no sure does it make you want to quit and question everything I mean hi in Czech

I've never had a problem with drinking and in like it's never been like God I need a drink I've never been like that like like the sober October was the first time I did absolutely nothing for a whole month I didn't smoke a joint I didn't do mushrooms I didn't get nothing right wasn't that hard what was interesting about it was the dream first of all because the dreams Come hard and fast when you're off the weed and they cuz apparently I talk to this guy dr. Matthew Walker who is a dream specialist and he was on the podcast discussing the importance of sleep sleep specialist says I should say are you saying that marijuana it in impede certain aspects of REM sleep which is when you do while you're dreaming

so when you get off the marijuana your brain apparently makes up for lost time and hit you with some crazy fucking drink talking frogs and fucking unicorns and yeah roller coasters that go straight to heaven and the Lake of the fucking bananas dreams this time for sober October I was way tapered off by the time this rolled around like I smoked a little pot in Toronto on Saturday but I mean a little like I took like one or two hits I had a drink maybe two drinks I had one drink when I went on stage and then I have a couple glasses of wine after the show we went out to this restaurant after the show but that was easy this was an easy one because I was kind of but I think I slow down after last year I think at doing that sober October thing made me realize like

there's like some there's some of that school that right unfortunately that all my favorite Comics did drugs all of them pics can send prior everyone did drugs there were there were all I mean prior was coke I've never touched a Coke but Kinison was coke too but Hicks was more psychedelics and I mean he did Coke and alcohol and other stuff before but it was it was all they were all like these wildfox like Ron White is good friend of mine always drunk and there's like this part of that life that you know this so it's so attractive cuz it's just like this wild loose Carefree rebellious figure it out tomorrow life and that's that's the life of the comic but I realize like after last year sober October that there's

a lot of the stuff you could do if you're sober like it's I think I said you can abused alcohol but you can also use it you know you can use it you can you can have a couple drinks and feel good and you enjoy the moment more you know there's there's something do something to it but it's really a matter of your own personality and discipline it's like how much and how much of an addict are you like what how much wood is it what holes are missing in your brain that get filled up with that booze and that like once you take the booze away there's like this gaping Chasm do you need to fill and what is that and you'll figure out who you are cuz I know some people that can't have anything they have one drink and then they're Off to the Races and they're doing meth and I know that's not me but it's

I just think I would get blackout drunk a lot and it was like well for a couple beers you less secure than than you are now weigh less secure but I think being sober has helped me become more secure but to be in the moment I just worry about my depression to like with his on the depression which I feel like I have a good handle of right now I just don't want to lose it cuz I think that like

I don't know I obviously alcohol is a depressant and so I think that and the people said I get really really depressed and it like in a dangerous way around like I got to watch it like I got to be vigilant about meditating everyday to keep my depression at bed because of genetics I think we have stuff that I haven't even like found out a bug there since this is a suspicious deaths in my family that I'm like was it feels like what is your depression feel like it feels like it honestly I get suicidal thoughts not like I should kill myself it's like kill yourself it would be fun to kill yourself they cut pain literally soothing it soothes me to think about killing myself when I'm in my worst depressive stages

it is I compared to like sniffles when you're getting a cold like I have a little a little while ago shoot yourself in the head it literally comes into my head like a sniffle really oh God I'm getting sick again okay I got to meditate and then and then I'll be fine like literally it's like that and what's before the shoot yourself nothing and that's the that's the problem is like it just is you can be it can be

it maybe it's circumstantial little bit like maybe I'm feeling lonely that day or I didn't get anything that I wanted but I really do think it's like the weather like I just can't even describe it I remember Sarah Silverman talking about her depression and I totally have it under control when I'm meditating everyday doesn't I don't get a single one of those thoughts but they come in and then if I and then you if you going to do a real bad spot so start start and I've never even so much as made an attempt or even plan to make an attempt like it's never gotten to that even close to that for me but I realize that these are the same kind of thoughts that people that end up doing this start with but there's some kind of like people who love me and care about me get so upset when I talk about this but I think that more people

struggle with these thoughts then talk about so I I'm eager to share it because I don't think I'm ever going to kill myself and I don't think that that's but I think that like a lot of people I'm at risk things that people talk about that enough then cuz I do have these thoughts and it's not even like I go what can I do to make myself feel better I like to kill myself kill yourself it's like a little voice or something and I struggled with mental illness before I mean I'd anorexia where was like don't eat and you're like where's that who's that but it's it's a voice did you have don't eat because you thought you were overweight or don't eat because you thought you'd be more attractive if he looks like a rail what store was it was it was it just like a session you know I'm high school I should be skinny everyone should be skinny I admire like wanted to be famous someday and I looked it up like I idolize everyone in the magazines the whole classic thing

like looking literally magazines and I want to look like that I hate myself pinching my side being like if I was fat and things like that you just thinks model for you so I grew up thinking skinny equals more lovable and then I lost weight just because my senior year I lost weight because a boy likes me that I like Twilight's back and I was like very nervous about it let you know when you just get nervous so you can't eat that day and I had a date with this guy was my first date ever and I just that day I didn't eat cuz I was just nervous and then the next day it showed up on me cuz what's going on and I was like yesterday like I can do that you're open to suggestion really good dude I know I'm scared of it the thing is I am open to suggestion but the thing is I

losing weight I can stick to a diet and I can black and white things I can say I'm not drinking for 7 I can I can quit things I can eat it and I've Goodwill it's like willpower and I learned it like over the person like I can do this and so I just stopped eating and then the for a while you get like super hot like I was very popular for a couple weeks and then for a hot second I was hot for a second and then I got so scary skinny and I couldn't stop your you were just like I go out why don't you look great like a week ago like right now it's like I don't know what to do because if I eat I'll just get fat again and so I just this is all I know now and then it becomes if you eat your week and then it becomes obsessive compulsive and then it's not even about being send anymore because you look in the mirror and I would look in the mirror and go like you're disgustingly guy looks like I I look like Holocaust pictures like that's how bad I left

set spot again ever get back to that spot again because I'm to do that now and I know it like what I see it coming it's the same way as like pot when I see it starting to interfere with my life I go okay you need to stop smoking pot and when I see myself get too skinny now I'm like okay you need to stop drinking self to death on a different way before I mean I should have died I was going to die and I plan on dying from it because I was starving it sucks that you started suicide 18 18 19 20 21

amber weigh myself I was 98 pounds that was when I was like admitted to a psych ward when I was 18 and 35 now and I'm so skinny now so yeah you're not you're not heavy so you were 35 pounds lighter than this plus so I was so like it's crazy and Whisper and talk it was one of those things like that it was terrifying she was so scary she looks like I mean she was a small person to she was only like 5 1 or 5 too and she look like she probably weighs 80 pounds it was awful and that's the way people and I see girls like that now and I I do the same thing that people used to say to me which is like just eat a sandwich bitch like what are you doing weekend I know you can't say that but I don't

relate to the person I was when I wasn't because I could not I could not do it was almost like if you were to like if a protein shake it was like drinking poison like I'm going to die if I drink this it was that hard to eat first of all I was admitted to a hospital because I was going away to school I lost all this weight in like a couple months ago it went away quickly for me and it got scary fast the school called my parents my parents were in denial cuz they didn't want to believe that their daughter was like dying so they were concerned and but like I was lying to them about on going out to eat I'm not going to be here for dinner tonight just lying lying lying

I went to the doctor to get a physical cuz I was going away to school in the fall this is July I went to go get a physical in my pulse I have like a low pulse anyway like I was bradycardia it's I think it's 37 to 42 resting resting pulse rate I just have a low do you do a lot of cardio I do a lot of cardio now yeah but I am not like enough to post that but it saved my life because I didn't know I had a low pulse rate but when I went in for this thing that is physical you know the doctor clearly could see us because they looked at me and Wade me but they didn't have any kind of like data to keep me but until they took my pulse and they were like if you leave you're going to die and you're going to

reliability test we know so you can't leave your going to view a 5150 or whatever the other side of the hospital where I was checked into a psych ward and my mom for a couple weeks I think and I lied to get out of it cuz I ate just enough to get out and then I went to school I can with my parents I was okay to go away to school which I wasn't nearly died there to starving myself and exercising too much and that but that so I wanted to die because I was hungry all the time being hungry sucks and I couldn't eat I didn't know how to eat I don't know even know how to begin to eat so I was like every night I would just pray that I wouldn't wake up because I would go to bed freezing cold because you have no fat to your cold go to school in Colorado I was

for the weather in existence for the first time because crazy looking like I was I was like ask I was like The Nightmare Before Christmas Jack Skellington but I did because I became really funny because I wanted people to go look over here don't look at me so I just I was a shy kid in high school when I was not interested but then when I needed to make friends that I was went school loan I was like oh well just developed this really over-the-top personality so people don't notice that I'm so sad so that's when I became funny really funny you know I was always like dormantly funny that's why I became like hourly funny people start telling me I would should be a comedian my freshman year I tried it I did it one time and then I was like oh I have a reason to live not like I have a purpose and I know that sounds so

stupid like cliche to say like okay, give me a reason to live but it really did because I didn't know what that I was like what am I going to become a teacher I don't care I'm not passing about that but this I was like okay so then I got to gain some weight if I'm going to now have a career so then I started I found a therapist I was like I gotta beat this I start reading books I found a therapist and I found this one therapist who told me the thing that really broke through which is like when you have anorexia everyone's likes to eat something why don't you eat something and you feel very in control of it and you feel like you're the one to blame for it because you're the one that's choosing not to eat and you're the one that's choosing to exercise and and and so I felt all this shame about like why can't I hear myself why am I giving myself this thing that's ruining my life and then the therapist was like think of it is like cancer like you got you got sick like something invaded your life and there is a demon inside you telling you don't eat and it's not you it's not you so don't listen to that voice and then it

soon as I was able to like disassociate my illness from like it's my choice it's my doing I'm not eating and I was like able to see it as like the Exorcist like that little girl has like a demon inside her that's like Joey but don't eat then I was able to eat again it was Stephen my illness that was able for me to like crack it and then it took many years to like and I'm sorry I still struggle with you no control issues over food but I'll never be anorexic again but yeah it was that it was it was a mixture of comedy and also therapy that when they talk about it they talk about it like it's a disease and people who aren't alcoholics or judgemental go then you can

but if you if you treat it like your week then you just hit on yourself like a week ago you just want another drink what is it about me why do I need this booze and there's this weird with cycle does the scoop that goes on in your brain and I like I don't want to drink I don't want to drink and I drank I'm never going to drink again I'm drinking again and then these people that just get completely out of control one of the ways that helps them is to treat it like it's disease I think it's I think it was just a real think of it and like literally did the thing where you put a chair in the corner of the room was like talk to your disease tell it what it's done to your life and I don't like

it took me 30 seconds until I was sobbing screaming at this empty chair I mean it works I'm still at feel like I'm still too or I don't know I don't know I want to be able to someday and when I am able to it'll be like a real huge moment in my career in life but even me being able to talk about it on punk ass like this or in platforms like this is new to me

which I just feel like

I've still suffer with so many of these things that I'm like oh it's so weird to talk about it like I only have a little bit more distance from the even though it's been I'm 34 now and I get heading right it was 18 I'm still like it's still too narrow sometimes thinks it's 16 years now it happens very quick it's like to have I don't know I don't know what it is I'm just still I think I'm still so angry about it and still they're still pieces of it that I'm like how did I get this and how did I have to save myself instead of someone else coming in and saving me and why didn't someone intervene before it's very hard for someone to convince someone you need to stop drinking or you need to get your shit together or you need to do this we need to do that we need to hit your own bottom I know it

yeah you just there still just things about it that are really painful to me and I think that when I am dealing with something like that on stage I think the pain still shows and I can't be funny with it yet cuz I'm still so angry I think I'm still just like angry about it because I also feel like I'm still a victim to body dysmorphia out like crazy like that's my new thing for like I'll just see something in the mirror that I'm like yesterday you felt the opposite like what I'll go from in a 24-hour time frame from being like your fat Alex look in the mirror like you're fat and then the next day your tooth in those two things can't be possible within 24 hours of themselves so you're crazy so that I'm dealing with stuff like that and I want to be on the other side of it and be able to tell girls like you're beautiful and your body doesn't matter and its what's up here that counts I'm not there yet so I don't know how to

to really talk about it I don't think I don't think there's one way you know I think everybody's got their own weird thing that's causing them to have issues whether it's not be to be an alcoholic or to be addicted to whatever you're addicted to snow want you have to figure out the person and then figure out how this disease or whatever it is a sort of interface with that person and what is it that happened to you that made this this thing attractive where it fits into your slots and distracts you from all the things that are freaking you the fuck out about your existence tell them this and then they go out okay I mean if there was like a protocol that you could just establish right away oh you just got to take these steps and then you'll be fixed it doesn't work and maybe

and they might work for some people you know what would really doesn't help you know it doesn't help that it's so prevalent like there's so many people that have issues like in the other way to like there's people that are bodybuilders that are crazy that can't they can't get big enough it's the same thing with giant fake boobs that they think they need triple F boobs the way people see themselves vs. the way other people see them is very strange yeah I know what I've been watching the show botched have your watch that show how they don't they don't know what they're saying this is poor lady who was on the other day who is getting she's getting her nose fixed because she had so many surgeries that are nose collapsed and it was just like oh Christ you know and they said they had to take a chunk out of her rib and they rebuilt her nose up it came out

right at the end put on television

unless you don't fix inside maybe she suffered a look at yourself in the mirror and go I'm ugly or what it's like to love myself enough through meditation just to love myself an inside enough that I don't cuz as I age as you age especially in this business things aren't as good for you as you age is a woman things get shittier like you become less valuable to the society based on the fact that you're aging it's just like I remember the first two I remember in high-school with my girlfriends and I remember this girl's mom always used to just kind of say things that she envitar use a lot and and when you're young you're just like okay old lady what are you up to

sad things then walking out of the room silently she said really got to me she was like you girls are all so young and thin and beautiful

you know I remember I remember the last time a man held the door for me

and then she just left the room and I'm like oh there's a day that that just stops well that's ridiculous I hold the old ladies all the time that's stupid butt in the air when there's a specific reason that will happen eventually cuz that is just the way things go once in awhile a guy might be I'm into older ladies night like to bang her and I will love that guys so much and I know those guys are out there and I can't hear from those guys a lot when I talk about the stuff but those guys are sick just like you were when you were 18 lb

I never fix that sickness. If you're in the world related

we need those guys but I just know that that's that's on the horizon attention from men and just Society will become more visible physically to other people and I just hope it's enough on the inside which I really have gotten so far ahead what I thought I could ever do in terms of loving myself and working on myself and getting sober and all those things but I still feel like it's not enough like I'm still I still deal with insecurities unlike God damn it

I'm aging and this is what I'm supposed to not feel this time so it's not care that I'm aging as much I don't want to be one of these wondering if I can hate saging I just don't want to be it and I kind of have to be very careful in your fear of Aging I don't think about it because you'd seem ageless think of Joe is having an age I honestly don't like you seem like an angel's person to me and that's because you don't give a shit you don't think of it I mean this is going to sound ridiculous but you have to cook it you have to realize that the entire

your your life from birth to death is a blink of an eye it is a very short. Of time in terms of the entire the life of the planet the life of the human race the life of the universe it is a blink-of-an-eye and for you to be with wear blinders and concentrate on one tiny little window of sexual viability it's Preposterous it's ridiculously insane it's so bizarre looking at people's bizarre like how the fuck do your eyes work you're looking through your eyes and light is refracted to your lenses in your corner and you're seeing things I know that if I reach I can grab his can it's right there made all that is bizarre and so to concentrate on this one thing when will people stop want to stick their dick into me like I'm crazy crazy it's a prospective issue

wider you get away from that and one of the best ways to do psychedelic drugs so I can tell drugs are one of the very best ways to broaden your perspective because the experience is so tight squeeze halion and so giant and connects you to the entire universe itself that when you come back down to earth it seems so Preposterous and then you see this dance that everybody's involved in the you-know-what putting on fake butts and and fucking getting your lips done and all the chaos that people are doing just to try to attract more sexual attention and knowing that this is such a short period of time when things are freaks me out is what I call monster face it's when women get their face pulled back so far that their mouth looks like it's bigger because they're been doing this and so it looks like they just open their mouth of like Venom in fucking get your whole head in there chop your fucking head off that it's it's a it's a sickness it's so funny because when you get that stuff done you end up looking like

people who have had it done to get at a certain type of face we all know the face just ask but then looks like you didn't beat drops you can literally fucking stung with a swarm of bees it's crazy because there's a thing called the Fibonacci sequence and when you look at a person's face there's a golden ratio the nose of the eyes the chin and as soon as you fuck with anything soon as you switch one of those up like lips like if you look at say like Serena Williams her lips face and there's like there's a natural order to that if you look at Ari shaffir his nose matches his chin matches his face there's a there's a ratio that it fits in and when you get a nose job and you're supposed to have a big nose people look you like what the fuck is going on but if you have I got Persian face like you know a big robust Persian face but you have this little fucking pixie Irish

knows what the fuck is going on with her face this is crazy but there's some that so good and we think these people as being born that way and then showed up I mean there's yes that's a perfect one I mean girls always bring her up the monster now she's gorgeous okay

but you're so right like I want to talk to you about psychedelics because when did you first do them

yeah yeah when I start I start smoking pot and then psychedelics came after that she'll yourself like I feel like this is kind of like a new movement that psychedelic for the yeah yeah yeah yeah I was around a lot of eye because of the fact that I was a comedian and then also because of the fact that you know I was relatively famous back they're not. Famous famous but like I was I was on television I found some things so people would want to like turn you on to things you know you know and I would go to parties or meet people and they would you know say hey man of your word and mushrooms you know and I hate you heard of DMT and I like and then there's a few different things that would happen and you would be around

people who have gone to jail for it or you know that were like real psychedelic heads and once I was around a few of those I realize it's a whole nother world out there and then I discovered Timothy Leary and John Lilly in the the flotation tank became a giant part of my life and then you know Terence McKenna Dennis McKenna and all that the very psychedelic Wizards that are out there that I've been sort of expressing that there is there's a whole world out there that you're not seeing it's like we're living life inside this very strange tent is very thin membrane tent and if you just unzip that tent and step out the entire Wilderness of the universe exist but most people live their life inside this very thin wall tent and they think that that tent sort of defines the actual universe itself when it's it's so small and so limited

don't like what you see your whole life up because I think that's about sure you know this has been a lot of people that wear I mean I have friends that know friends that will the issue is with you know psychosis and people that have schizophrenia people that have like legitimate mental health mental health issues did the arguments correlation or causation right in the argument is does the Psychedelic drugs cause mental illness or do a certain amount of people already have mental illness and I think it's much more likely that the percentage of people that are schizophrenic remains static because if you if you look at it like this the number of people who smoke marijuana or also schizophrenic mirrors the number of people are schizophrenic. It's not that marijuana causes schizophrenia

is that the one out of a hundred or whatever the number is they just have this issue this and for those people it's critical that they avoid psychedelic drugs that they avoid marijuana and then probably even alcohol or mini even maybe a bunch of other psychotropic drugs as well because it could you've got an imbalance just like someone who has a liver disease has an in Balance just like someone who has lung disorder can't breathe when it's cystic fibrosis or someone who has any number of disease you got kind of think of it that way there's an ailment of the mind and so if you add this unknown element to that element like 5 grams of dried mushrooms I would never come back and then the question the other part of your question is is it possible you could open that tent and not like what you see and fuck up you like yes yes even if you don't have schizophrenia or a mental disorder you might have a view of the world that's untenable with experience that you have

under the influence of psychedelics but that might mean that your view of the world is bullshit and you've been living your life with this fucking Norman Rockwell nonsense floating around your head because you've been so influenced by media by songs and by television shows and by you know I want to live like the kids on friends they don't even live like that look at them they're all fucked up now you know Jennifer Aniston seems to be not aging

but she's doing it so I know it's incredible you would feel bad she looks amazing, really. Perry looks like he's been to Hell and back like that mother fucker went head-first into a sandstorm and he got his face ripped off like he's been just doing meth everyday and smoking cigarettes to one lighting the other from the time he's awake deleted the time he goes to sleep he looks like total dog shit and she looks fucking amazing I doubt they were still work together they're both young together I mean that is like a perfect example it is a perfect example of this is chaos to this business and this when you were talking about

what does many times in the podcast at this business is nuts because it takes people that are insecure already and then put them in a position where they have to get chosen for things so you have to audition and people have to decide whether they like you next okay Nikki so this is already Central show comedy central show me if you were on Dancing With the Stars for a hot minute

I reminded him of a granddaughter who has called and Amy is an anorexic stand up comedian who likes to drink and blackout so right up your alley so here we go and then thanks a lot Nikki good job okay and so you'll call me yeah scream

so you leave and then you walk out feeling like a hundred percent dogshit like you're from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes is just dogshit

like we do this stuff and you got people commenting on it and tweeting at you and saying means it's like you're right it's like I'm in this business because I'm insecure and I want people to let strangers to love me and then I don't even accept the love that they give I don't care about the twins that are nice and then I think which I don't read comments or anything going through the comments of a YouTube video but it's not like I'm a really strong person to be where I am in this business and have gotten as far as I've got but it breaks me times still talk to Alex are you kidding me how excited

like I apply want to do it with a shaman if you're available because I do think it's the next Frontier for me in terms of cuz I'm done with therapy talk therapy I'm like I visit to Seoul the process but it was not a good experience for the very small not enough to like really have a good trip. It was a small amount of still a bad experience because I had water on mushrooms they got in a fight on mushrooms bickering I left I've been arrested the night before spur smoke weed on the street 6 hours in a holding cell the night before but I plan to do mushrooms the day after

I was like you should still do it will celebrate you getting out of jail and I was like okay so I did mushrooms I was broke I just been arrested I called my parents cuz I was I just felt like the way that smoking weed is portrayed in movies where it's like things coming at you like you like everyone was just like in my face I called my mom and Mom I'm on mushrooms right now I'm on the Upper East Side I'm just trying to get to my friend Mike's house and she goes to you think you're talking to you call your mom and say you're on muscle boundaries bottle of wine cuz I was like I want to be I want to feel something else other than this cuz I talk too much I felt a lot of love and that scared me but this was before I quit drinking

I don't like this feeling chug chug I don't know I think I was going through a lot of things that was like I was I think I was bulimic at that time too but now I think I've read enough about them and I'm like you know what they were soldiers have PTSD that go through talk therapy for years and have no minimal amounts of progress I can't wait for whatever that is I want to do DMT I want to I want to open up those doors MDMA assisted therapy

so they're taking people with PTSD We Were Soldiers victims of violence and they're taking them through MDMA assisted therapy and they're having some pretty dramatic results I think it is like the next big time so excited about certain people and myself like I just found the next day was horrific for me that was one of the worst hangovers I've ever had like it wasn't just The Hangover it was as I was I felt really stupid like I couldn't read like I was trying to read a magazine that I couldn't read them how to perform that night my kind of night shift on stage and but I'll never forget the lessons from the experience it was really powerful like really illuminated how much insecurity hinders and inhibits your ability to communicate with people and flavors how you interact with people and how

much of you know my own aggression and the way I would interact with people is basically just me being scared what are the things that you socially the hurdles that you've overcome super insecure my parents split up when I was really young and we moved around a lot so I didn't have like a base of friends and then I found martial arts when I was a young teenager and what martial arts did was gave me something when I finally felt like I wasn't a loser at it was like the first thing that I ever did was like oh I'm good at something I can be really good at something I got good at it really quickly cuz I was obsessed was completely addicted and I was training everyday and it became my identity so my identity was that I was really good at martial arts and so did you be really good

martial arts especially in competition you have to be you have to be very aggressive you have to be ruthless and you have to be there is like you have to embrace this sore. There's there's an undeniable violence in kicking someone in the head it means by its very violent but cute martial arts competitions extremely violent and you have to be able to embrace that and the embracing of that in the terror the fear of it all just that it's shaped my my developmental. So I when I was 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 that was up my whole life that was all I did until I started doing stand-up comedy so my entire form formative. Was based on violence it was it was all it was all it was martial art walls it was very controlled and why wasn't like a bad person who is like beating people up or anything like that but

my I was ready to go all the time like it was all it was always any and around any corner there might be something the next person might say the wrong thing and you might realize going to have to fight them or whatever whatever it was and that took a long time to let go. Took a long time till I shake off no I didn't really get it if I was smart like I will avoid fights my personality developed through violence me really developed through martial arts competition through from the time I was 15 to time was 21 I travel the entire country was all I did was fighting tournaments I fart all the time I felt like I don't know how many times I like I mean you were upset you were an Olympic Elite athlete at 15 to do lice like

what to get to the socially awkward weird breeds did you do okay no high school I had girlfriends in high school and then there was a dry. After High School for sure and then once I start doing stand-up comedy Den. It's crazy it's all about competing in the gym so that wasn't like a lot of time to meet people you know it was all very strange this getting over that that hurt the hurdle of that bizarre childhood moments when you came out of a trip or what

ever seen one of them highlighted unnecessary tension highlighted you know like was basically it was almost a reaffirmation more than anything it was it was like oh I remember this like I hadn't done it in about a year-and-a-half to two years and then we all we did DMT three or four times we did like a trip and then we went back into my back in again I can remember is three or four times but it was

it just made me realize like oh yeah okay this this is just the build the world that you're living in is like a thin veneer over this gigantic impossible realm of souls on of love and expectation in an understanding in an information and that's what the universe is made of and that you're sort of Trapped in this very strange rudimentary tactile existence where you can pick things up and put them on scales and you can measure things with a ruler but the rest of the universe is not made of that stuff the rest of the universe is made out of ideas the rest of the universe is made out of thoughts and there's Dimensions that you you can't travel to with your feet and with a car with a plane like there's portals that you go through and these portals of chemical portals and your brain literally is wired for these not only that your brain produces dimethyl

which is the most potent about psychedelics it's literally made by the human body and it's it's everywhere it's an all sorts of plants thousands of plant it's in every animal it's like all these different creatures created night they have it I mean you're actually made by your third eye the pretty sure you know there's some group out of New Mexico called the Cottonwood Research Foundation and they're doing these tests on all sorts of tests to find out the source of DMT and they've isolated in the pineal gland of rats and is the first time they've ever shown it in a live rat that it exists in the pineal gland the pineal gland is literally your third eye like that thing from Eastern mysticism like this right here so yeah and reptiles that actually is a retina in Allen's it's a it's an eyeball and this is they ended the Egyptian river called the seat of the soul and this one's

spot in your head is producing the most potent psychedelic chemical known to man as well as it's pretty for your liver and your lungs like your body's a psychedelic chemical Factory and this one psychedelic chemical date believe and there's been some recent research was a recent paper that was put out that showed that they think that during periods of extreme stress like wood. If your body is convinced that you might be dying or that there's something happening that you may be releasing this psychedelic chemical so it might be the portal to the afterlife like it might be the way that carries your Consciousness through to the next Dimension when your body passes but this thought they think that's the source of near-death experiences what people have these phenomenal loving experience as where they cross over to the other side then they come back and they think that this and you know when the weight the way people describe

but that's another issue with psychedelic drugs it's impossible describe so when you describe it it's so crude like the words at the way I've described it as I say it's you you enter into another dimension filled with complex geometric patterns are made out of love and understanding that that's what it said but it's a bunch of words to describe but when you talk to these people that have had near death experiences they all feel relieved and some sort of a strange way they all feel like or a lot of them do I should say that when it at is it does happen if it does happen it's going to be okay it's going to be okay like there's a thing that happens and then you go to this other place where there's there's no shoes there's no tables there's no electricity but it's it's made out of whatever the fuck The Worlds made out of it's made out of the whatever they are the universe actually has below the wiring like you lift up the circuit board and it woke up here behind the green curtain

oh yeah I remember my mouth needs to know how does that sorry if I'm asking how does the next week of your life after a trip of this like how do your data to your decision-making change but it's up to you that's up to you it's up to everybody when everyone is different I mean for me it's it was like a big deep breath and it's slow I was going to be the last time I did like a real serious I could do some serious when was right before I film triggered and it's just it just it just lets you know you know just just do your best try to be nice and this is nonsense this whole thing is nonsense you know don't concentrate on the fact that in 20 years no one's going to fuck you or you know that you're you're cute it's going to fall off or just your alive right now

existing right now in the one of the crazies experiences that the world has ever known being a human being in 2018 in the United States of America I mean this is a fucking bizarre pathway you're on all of us every single person listening to this if you can listen to this podcast you are in the rarest moment in human history you are literally at the cost of the very peak of this insane version the same merging of Technology of information of understanding of expression all the stuff you see all the stuff that we're seeing going on right now socially whether it's the me-too movement or whether it is you know social justice Warriors and and people who are woke and crying out races Brothers in all this bubbling off of our culture is all this recognition of this ability to communicate this is radical new ability to express your ideas that is

done by some people that are responsible some people that are very responsible but everyone gets a shot and it's just like YouTube comments it's fucking chaos culture is YouTube comments build the world is YouTube comments the our interaction is the this unique ability where anybody can express themselves and some people have larger signals like you or like Ari shaffir or like you know fit fill-in-the-blank anybody was a podcast they have a larger signal and you know you have a YouTube video that's a larger sigelei have a Comedy Central show that's a larger signal but everyone has a signal and everyone's fighting for relevance and everyone's fighting for attention acceptance and they're they're fighting for their own significance they just want to exist and they're yelling out and sometimes they yelling out like a baby and sometimes they yelling out like a wise person on the mountain who has some new information and it's all happening at the same time and it's all just end and we're sorting it out like in did some things don't stick

like this whole if you're having sex in your drinking you're a rapist I got didn't stick to some of them do stick and you can do in certain things you can't do certain things we accept certain things you can't accept any more and we're figuring it out and we'll figure it out in real time in a in a radical Pace that's never existed before in human history was something that was acceptable just 10-15 years ago is completely unacceptable now that's mean there's never been a time like that before never been a time in the entire world is since people started talkin there's never been a time where change is taking place at such a radical pace and you're a part of it and I'm a part of it and everyone is listening this is a part of it we're all together in this and no one knows where the fuck is going

I love that you're you're saying that the reason all this is happening right now is cuz we are now we're just communicating at a more rapid Pace that's all you're absolutely right caitian Revolution and if so if someone says you know it doesn't make sense for sure all the time like no one just know I was born New Jersey okay the good news is you realize like what you're responsible if you make a mistake and War you say something incorrectly say something mean they were just came out bad that the blowback lets you know this is how people feel about that and it's disproportionate because your signals disproportionate your ability to express yourself a disproportionate so the blowbacks going to be different portion as well so feel

awful but that's just a an affirmation just letting you know okay this is not what the end and sometimes people are completely wrong about like you don't white girls can't wear hoop earrings its cultural appropriation there's bad signals out there is not a bad signal so you know where your racist if you wear a kimono really dumb bad signal but there's also a lot of exchange and if it'll all work itself out we just have to be really careful we don't Lynch a lot of people along the way like the wood that we don't get convinced that our ideas are 100% the way things should be and that we listen to all these various ideas whether it's ideas about trans people or gay people or women or men or anybody like it's it's like it's super important that people think before they act and that they think before they cast judgment that would we eat we have to communicate because there's things are fucking flying ass

fish coming down a river you trying to catch up with your hands and this is too many of them things sometimes that comes back to haunt you and you said that was wrong and this is why your service I misspoke if you keep talkin people go get it Nick he's just a person mean to say dumb things but you like being a human being is this a flawed exercise like we're super flawed and we're working with language which is you know it's awkward this idiot sometimes the right yeah sometimes and use a lot of likes and so it's like

like what what you shut the fuck up

and you know they're sick don't like they're mad that they don't have a signal so they're fucking screaming at you for your flawed signal give a responsibility you know there's a there's a lot going on there's a lot going on yeah I mean and I am what am I going to apologize if I say something stupid and wrong and it offend someone and I really feel bad about it but like I have to just leave from a place of like I'm at this point my life I know I'm a good person I don't think I'm a secret psychopath with I think a lot of us always like Emily best price of really wish that I was like Tony Danza it is Tony Danza was always smiling and he was always nice to people kill everybody and Tony danza's like also nice and smiley I just want to

can smash people and Tony Danza just seems like such a nice guy like I wish I was like Tony Danza and just beautiful smiley smiley and say funnies nice things that don't have said the right thing to say likes what you say and it still gets people jazzed up but you're not offending anyone it doesn't feel good to offend people and I I say things all the time that do and I'm not going to stop because I just I can't for your offending people but also making a large amount laugh the problem is that the if you have a hundred people in the room and 10 of them get offended 90 of them are fucking slap in the table and laughing their ass off that she got to accept that that's just part of the game that's why the game you and I play Wii play a strange game we're in one of the weirdest business is everywhere in the business of talking shit worship talkers

do you get in trouble talking shit like do you feel cuz I feel like sometimes when I talk shit about people it's obviously I'm just I'm talking about myself and I'm I'm just projecting like oh she's back stage where I don't think there's anyone will ever tell this to anyone love it it's a hobby you're making fun of things that make sense if you're talkin shit it doesn't make any sense and no one wants to talk shit with you but if if you go to Nicki and Nicki said some Polaris shift

that's fun when you both hate someone together and you get to send each other their snap screenshots of their Instagram and be like look how sad this bitch sometimes with your you're seeing often times will you absolutely hope you never are in myself that I'm trying so hard to keep it back so we can hang then yeah you're hating human behavior that's that's what you're looking for because I am flawed we all are but you do it so it keeps you in check that's a really good point so there's some group text messages out of part oh my God

about one person in the only go to that mass text to Ted about that one person that you were talking shit like she didn't know but it happened there are stories of people sending like this one girl the other day of told me like in a makeup chair she was like oh I want sent someone a text about someone at work that we are currently working with that was like Bubba Bubba is a fat piece of shit today can't believe she would wear that dress like that specific

all the time it happens all the time or just slipped up so it to the wrong person be careful in a text it's so easy to just that person is probably in your phone to be like making fun of him getting shit talked about me because it has to happen if I'm talking this much shit people talking about me and accept it and that's fine but you tell me that be nice if you want to know that yeah yeah yeah yeah they're saying things to a guy you're dating oh yeah oh and for that

oh God that's the dirtiest of dirty when you find out for a guy when you find out that a friend of yours is talking shit about you to a girl your dating like what the skies called G Harding's which means like if you are around a girl that the guy likes you blow him up to her so yeah he's the best gas awesome. You should be friends anyway but it is long as he is you let him know like you know Mike is just a fucking phenomenal guy he's such a good dude all the time like he loves you too says great things about you to my friend

Recology hot cuz I would do that he goes to duty totally Jihad and me for that girl you just blow you up he's the best yeah I do that a lot of feels good to feel the opposite of talking shit that petty instinct is to talk shit that's the petty and stinging some people deserve it and some people don't you know it's there's different motivations right like sometimes you talking shit because you really jealous of someone effort their work ethic their their success the way they look what it would fill in the blank you're you're jealous of something about them I recently got busted talking shit about someone and I told and she it got back to me from another friend and I wrote their own I go I'm so jealous of you you're cool and you're who I want to be and I want to be

zoo and you didn't seem to want to be friends with me so I decided I hated you and that you want to be trusted and I told people that and I thought the truck and I don't like that you exist in the same bed as me and it makes me jealous and what did she say and she said I totally get that and I At first she goes At first she just thumbs down my apology which I love and I was like we're going to be good but I I love I love apologizing or jealous or Petty and I will continue to do so but if I'm caught like yeah I can be so I could have got back to me that I said about this girl that she shouldn't be trusted and I don't I don't even know why it would say that about arrive no evidence to back it up equals I was just Petty and I'll snap out of it so I was like I don't know what was going through my mind that week but yeah I did say that about you cuz standard it's a standard Instinct standard emotion so common

and as a woman in this business like I just ice support women so much but I'm aware of every woman who is who is doing the same thing I'm doing for the up and comers and I take them under my wing and I build them up but I'm like I'm aware of like there's a part of me that's like

New Rochelle I know that it's good for all of us but like to slide that your show was in I literally have to unfollow girls sometimes who I'm friends with who are comedians who are my peers and why respect and think they're funny I have to unfollow them if I see that they're just like busy with work and I just got kicked off Dancing With the Stars because I remove that from my feed and then it's a really awkward follow when I know that or they message me on one of those things they see I'm not following them cuz it's like we all know we follow each other

yeah but you got to get over there it's easier to just take them out of my feet yeah but that's a weird one I just like his inspiration use them as fuel to work harder schedule too except I don't think I probably I'm probably going to unfollow all you guys with your with your workouts and your calorie counts that you told him a couple times I didn't I literally losing also inspirational unfollow I can't I can't have you in my life bragging about this shit listen I go to the gym too and I don't tweet about it I want to God damn I want to

I just heard so many calories but I don't do it because I don't want to trigger people and I don't want to be like that some people are like look at what I just did at the gym fuck you I'd work today and the proud of themselves but inspired all the time for inspiration The Rock ya bad motherfuker never stops you never stops I mean I don't want to do what he's doing I don't want to do these movies I don't want to do it he's doing but that I fucking admire the shit out of that guy's work ethic that got fly to Tokyo it'll be 4 in the morning he sets up an elliptical machine starts going after it that's what he does and it doesn't it doesn't look at that look at all his food and he gets to do that

he landed in London midnight ordered Sushi like a motherfuker go to his his Instagram with all the workout ones

you are the rock you

work out all the time and that's how you get that

I got a text today from David Goggins and I told David Goggins I'm trying to beat Everyone by double he's like fuck yeah like a hundred Capital! That's what I'm saying look at that dude focused I see that I want to go work out right now you insecure about anything right now in your life I mean it's not something that's like I'm always working on it look at it like like someone hates it where's the flaws and I will always trying to throw us growing in your learning and getting better and and I think, things to make it better

you know you trim a little here to remove their gets Fuller you know there's but then also grows and get the bigger but then you got to really sit at my schedule and it seems to be I develop a full solid hour in a year and then I hammer that motherfucker like a samurai sword for the next 8 months and then I film it and in 4 months later cares and then I start Josh Kardashian bet that's how do you literally right right or a right right yeah I'll show you how

one of the things I use I've been using over the last couple of years I always right like in Microsoft Word shit like that but I use this program called Scribner that I really like and the reason why I really like it especially when I'm doing new stuff is the way it's set up like if you were in the new one that which one I'm in inventing saying oh my God that was a devastating bit because of the first time I saw it it was already like one of those bits where you as a comedian you watching you just go what am I doing it one of those became something so much more I haven't seen your special yet I'm excited to see where it landed but that wasn't him that's an incredible bed

call on this this is all my new stuff so these are all the categories and I click on each category and when I go to each category I have all the material that I've written out about each category

cool to kick robot know what that's about Peeta Peeta released a statement because Boston Dynamics has created these robots that are self-balancing so they have like a gyroscope in them so these scientists were kicking these the robots these four legged robots and Pete are released a statement saying that it's not cool I'm like you fucking week pussy this is going to be problem number one when the robots take over as he said he's alive and they're there's tension and you can't kick them you know they're going to eat your family fuck and at the same point in time you know they're coming up with these you no more and more advanced artificial intelligence so this is how I write so these this is essentially stage 2 so stage one is you know I do everything in Microsoft Word so this is in Microsoft Word

these are and it's just you just this one is it you got to write this is how I think I think I think you got to do two things you got to add lib you got to do it on stage at work things out on stage but I think you're foolish to not right as well cuz I think there's so much to be gained by sitting in front of a computer working on your act that's one step another step is you have to review your act you have to listen to it or watch it preferably watch it like I'm watching the editing when I was editing the special and I had to snip I decided I wanted to be an hour and my set was like an hour and 17 minutes just so I doubt but when I did that I was like watching the videos like you know what I should really videotape everything I should watch a video

cuz it's so much more immersive than just audio you know the only get so much out of audio I kind of know my Expressions all the different things that I'm doing but when I see them I got it's better if I move like this or it's better if I pause there it's better if I raise my eyebrows better if I look concerned like the physical thing it's writing new tags you like for me to write it up but then what do you do for Microsoft Word then you take it to the Limit down and went to trim it down I put it in Scribner and when I trim it down and put it in Scribner what I'm essentially doing the saying okay this is ready is ready to play and then what Scribner do

should I left my fucking notebook in the hotel room God damn it from there I write things out on an actual notebook and the actual notebook is basically just to get my set list in order and make sure I highlight all the different tags so there's three stages there's a Microsoft Word stage which is basically just freeform free association writing things down no there's no structure to it sometimes it comes out like a bit sometimes it's just nonsense that never goes anywhere you can get some other stuff you don't find that back gold you stay home you got to walk you got to get out there and that's what that's what the writing test with the writing does it allows you to pick up his little bags of gold along the way and then I take these little bags of GoldenEye

dial a mop and then I throw them into the Fortress and the Fortress is like Scribner so then I can move those bits around set up in columns right so you see how it's all sides cork boards to see Jamie's got up on the big screen so when the cork boards see how its setup right here like each one of these things if you go to the the left side hear each one of these categories I can move and I didn't I can change I can have that bit in the beginning of this is good if you had and then once I'm in the bed I can also go to this and that sets me up with a cork board so I can have like I can set up little nope like little setback like that like up there so I can write down these and on his index cards like don't forget this or this is important here or this taglines you'd try switching this around and it's just as

are you already like this are you already this kind of an organized person if you always been this way or did you get to be like that cuz I just feel like some people are made that way no I'm not like this at all this is just ended up 3 days ago I feel so good right now I clean it up throw that bitch I throw it hits the ground yeah it's basically like

Camp I'm ready to roll you know I don't care what it looks like you know I'm here like I'm a clear path to the shower you know I have a desk as soon as I get into the hotel room I put set the computer down the desk I plug get connected to the Wi-Fi and then I you know it depends on how long I'm there for what I'm going to do and then you know I get to work you know if I'm there I'm there to work so that's why I set everything up shirts and socks and put the company that I work with called mizzen & Main and they make the shirts about super flexi I don't know if you ever seen me where are the showtimes pajamas that you pull on them and they have a flex to them so they don't feel like anything and they never get wrinkly so I would never know

efficient yeah but it's just they're the best to wear because when you're on stage they don't feel like anything they feel like you're wearing nothing in Maine is the name of the company that's the question I do not know find out so I wear them and I wear these jeans that have like Flex to them so the jeans or pajamas to like the jeans they're literally sweatpants so they don't get wrinkled either what's your like

like your wretched like your your skin care regimen do you spend a lot of time on that stuff like wood before you go to bed are you washing your face are you applying oils and cream is like you don't spend a lot of time you don't waste a lot of time doing stuff that doesn't you're very utilitarian but like not a man I definitely don't think you'd like look like your best sound like I'm saying like you literally seem ageless to me I don't understand you like it is interesting because I would have thought you were very meticulous with like organisation is it a lot of time organizing things I think both of your comic right if you're good specially I think there's a certain amount to be impulsive has to be Reckless and impulsive and you have to be like one move away from ruining your life all the time

but you have to keep it under control it's like you have a wolf and you have it behind like it's flimsy chain link fence that you just like how to wire this fucking shot and I'm going to go to work and I hope the wolf doesn't get out that's literally what it's got to be like but then you also have to have discipline and I think those two counter-balance each other and want to things that help my actual immensely over the last few years I think my I think triggered my best special ever and I think this one is better than that I think strange times better than triggered and one things that over the last 3 or 4 years in a really concentrate on is this process the process of organizing and being very meticulous about like how I I structure my material and then doing a lot of sense to you got to do that and then fuck around and go on stage drunk I like to go on stage high I like the fuck around because those are workout sets then in in those moments of chaos sometimes the thing will come out that wasn't there before they just popped out of nowhere and that

the fuck are might be my click that might be my Bruce Jenner bit that might be my closing bit and then those bits are the rare there's strange come out of the sky and you have to nurture that and that comes from chaos and that comes that this does not that's not necessarily A discipline thing has to sort of they have to share space with the discipline they have to they have to go back and forth with each other so we've always start like like people always thought of comedians as being like sad people are drunks are messy people not disciplined on other shit together but why I don't think that's the case like you I'm always going to be fucked up right okay so how about I be fucked up but I also keep it together you know so I always have these thoughts you know like I still have crazy thoughts

probably definitely have like some sort of head trauma induced dammit I don't know what's going on anymore

sometimes yeah I definitely totally like that but also I work out so much that I drain all that shit out of my system I spend a lot of time doing it float tank to I have a full tank right here that helps a lot but I think that if I did slow down and now I'm people going to work out so much could you free to crazy yeah yeah yeah yeah what are you saying saying something I already know what are you wire running from your rights when you work out it's a great Kobe is better than drinking for me it works that's the thing if you are crazy and you do look at if your comedian guess what you're fucking crazy if you're a good one

Adele's crazy to can't touch people it always got to put paper towels on the ground everytime he walks like when you go to a hotel room to the bed I can eat won't touch people's hands is a severe germaphobe super nice guy give me crystal he's crazy everybody's crazy crazy crazy you have to be you have to embrace that there's no way else you're coming up with the kind of fucked-up shit that you and I say on stage do you say in front of a bunch of people and then you hit it with a tagline and he take it to another place like this is no way your normal there's no way it's not it's not possible

what are We Are we more crazy than the average person does the average person has to live this fucking bizarre contained life where you show up the same place every day do something you don't want to do every day with a bunch of people you probably don't even like and you're all backstabbing and weird with each other and you're just doing it for a paycheck you know and you're you're you're spending the majority of your time here on this heavenly body sensor Infiniti doing something you don't want to do yeah that's more crazy but you and I are doing at least we're doing something with love and then that feeling that you get I mean I seen you crushed on stage in the main room and you fucking Crush you say thank you goodnight everybody like that is that feeling of making all those people happy

they went out they got babysitters they got together they dressed up they went to dinner they got to The Comedy Store they think ordered drinks I sat down there and you fulfill the expectations you gave them what they wanted to see and I've seen you do it and not feeling that you get when that happens it's Indescribable and you drive a 300 people happy you made them all laugh I mean it's just nothing like it on Earth for us we don't see people that never get to kill anybody for pitch navigate to kill his go to your life as a doctor if you never get to chill

how do you how do you go through life not going to die I was like Anna's past like I'll probably just kill myself someday if I don't find a purpose and then killing gave me a purpose was like okay now I have a reason to live that's fucked up to continue to do it it's fucked up the lies it's a struggle to do and that's what don't you like the art of Comedy like didn't you like it before you ever did it hell yeah yeah I mean but you just never seems like an option to me like I didn't even like look at stand-ups like oh that's something I could ever do and then again memorize comedy and I performed for my class And I memorized people stand up

nothing but if I was I was never really aware of what was on when I was about 13 or 14 my parents have been see live on the Sunset Strip yeah it was in the movie theater and it was Richard Pryor and it was absolutely the first time I've ever seen anything like that hippies and that moment when I was in that audience watching that and in dying laughing and I looking around I remember I really really distinctly remember looking not just looking at the screen but looking at all the people that were just like slapping the chair and moving around holding their chest and thinking how insane is it that this guy can do this that this guy can just talk

I just threw talking he's he's making me laugh way harder than any movie I've ever seen in my life and I think it came around I think that movie came out I think a lot of the sun sister came out around the same time as Stripes which is like one of my all-time favorite comedies but I remember thinking why isn't Stripes as funny as that guy talking how insane is this thing that this guy can do where he he's just talkin Stripes I'm watching all the stuff play out this text and you know and but he's funnier than that and I remember thinking he's funnier than any movie that I've ever seen even Richard Pryor movie The Richard Pryor movie like The Funniest Comic killing my friend Steve schirripa he said something about he went to see something about Mary and this was his his his fucking old school Italian guy celebs on The Sopranos

he he said he goes it was as good as someone killing that's what he said he was as good as a comic killing that's a funny that movie is I was like wow what a crazy statement as good as a comic killing like it's universally-accepted that if you go to see you know it wouldn't fill in the blank Dave Chappelle whoever it is it's killing Bill Burr when they're on stage smashing that that's probably the funniest thing you could ever experience

to the art form itself is to me like it's the craziest most I've been doing this all these things use of the talk option for us like it's like that's all we've ever done but it is a wild thing that we do you know musicians of wildness I mean could you imagine cuz I don't have it yes like I watch like I have friends of the musicians I go to see them live and it's it's so fulfilling to me because I have no Talent so like what I have when I watch them doing it like this is amazing

you can do this I can't do that that's incredible like why when I go to see Cirque du Soleil I get the same feeling

you just can't talk to this girl in 3 minutes for her to fill in for me to do the cameras like like it was just like I couldn't get you that is the thing of The Wonder of like I just I don't even know what that's like to do but I of course do you play an instrument do you have any musical Billy zero and I do too much shit already I don't want to try to manage my time I'm just have to manage my obsessions but I think that what we are seeing whether it's in music or in the you-know-what going to see a great comic or anything will you see me she's like these portals for expression and the more they concentrate on that portal for expression whether it's dancing or there's musicians or even to someone making a film the more they concentrate on those portals of expression the better the message and the better the impact is going to be for the people that are enjoying it

watch it and I think he told me that a long time ago when I was young, coming up and he was like the old sage the comic store he goes if you really want to go to, you want to go up until he goes you should go get entertained go get entertained I go really you go see where it goes you know what I do I got to go see some music I go to see a movie I get entertained I entertain and I want to entertain that make sense I can go see someone kick ass right when you know you'll see someone sing and it's fucking amazing and you are God that that that that portal for expression like they hold whatever message that's going to go through that portal when it was reaches you you know what's the result of a hundreds if not thousands of hours of twisting and turning and hammering in sculpting and massaging and sanding and and then you get to see it in this finish one like fuck yeah I see you as much as I can

yeah I think I do it on purpose like I try to be entertained on purpose just now it's like that I need to do it like it sounds stupid but I need to go enjoy myself and be entertained more you're asleep because every time I do I walk away from it and when he told me that I remember thinking like that motherfuking totally completely makes sense and I think we don't do enough of that and also I think if you just do only commenting around comedy all the time too wrapped up in it you get to in your own head and takes away a little bit of your ability to be free using I went to a musical last week at force myself to go just watch people be great at that and it was I left feeling it's good to do it's hard to do

love it like I read a book that's how you know but I remember seeing that movie and getting out of there going God damn I want to make something like that when I leave I go fuck that was good God damn when something comes together like that I think it gives you just a little bit bit of juice music definitely does that to me I'll play like A5 there's a song that really cracks with me I'll play that mother fucker I'm repeat in the background while right I'll just I'll just that one song is over and over again in the song sort of like Fades into the background in just gives you energy like two or three times like the words on me anymore then it just becomes like this fucking disses dislike power supply

Club Bill try to get me a single day that you should do it cuz I was him and Dean Delray what they do is they go to venue I keep play the form last week so they get there to set up the drums guitar and amp and then they play to no audience age and all day he played from 2 to 6:30 and then you go on later that night and you know you just free karaoke room for my birthday and I just sang Taylor Swift songs all time and have my friends they didn't even know they got the same one or two only had it for an hour cuz I had to go do SATs that night and I just sang to I just perform Taylor Swift to them cuz I want to be Taylor Swift

working by myself just as thing to attract and pretend I'm a popstar for an hour that is such that's so cool that they did that I think just having fun supporting just doing things that are fun you know I think you could definitely get too distracted when you're not concentrating on what you should be doing but I also think you get too focused or you lose track of what it is like what is this anymore ask myself that and I'm currently asking myself that and like what I mean running but does that count so I'm working out of meditation

no and I need more but you've always had a happy it says you've always liked martial arts as soon as you start doing, how did you feel kind of get back into it not never stopped it's always been since just it's almost like a big part of my philosophy like who I am never stopped because you know I started working for the UFC in 1997 that's why I started doing post fight interviews and I was still very involved in martial arts down that's why I was just starting to learn Jujitsu so I was in an involved in a new martial art for me and then I've never stopped I've always done something and I've never stopped paying attention to it or studying at or learning new moves or pay attention to the new trends or you know watching fights are you know especially things that I don't necessarily practice as much I'm interested in that like watching different things that people do

what's the last have you picked up and you're like you love it to me it's ridiculous but it's it's a spiritual way to achieve your food to get meat you know it's like in in spiritual sounds ridiculous to people I call you shooting an arrow and an animal you have to be so finely tuned with your senses in your skills and your abilities and there's so much consequence on the line if you fuck up and then the pressure so immense that to me it's almost cleansing and its intensity and that I think doing difficult things makes doing other difficult things better not easier for your get better out if you get you understand I think if you put yourself in a situation this happens to certain comedians

they get really good they get really famous in the only perform for their crowd and they get soft I think we've all seen them they start their comedian comedy gets soft and they become like almost like someone do an impression of them a loser Edge and I think one of the ways to keep your edges to always be scared to always do something that scares the shit out or do something that's nerve-wracking always do something is difficult whether it's a martial art or it's learning to dance or learning an instrument or this something that's something hard like for Bill Burr does he flies helicopters he plays the drums I think things like that I think those are critical I think you need different and it almost like should be thought of as like a protocol like like cross-training that you're not just going to do your discipline but you're also going to be involved in other other disciplines that they add to what you're doing

isn't what you're hitting on exactly why I said yes Dancing with the Stars which dancing is the thing that I know that I'm worse at was because it's like that's the scariest thing to me if I do that then I can do so many other scared of that I'm not as scared as dancing like it's really weird but like I like I'm I would like to talk a lot about sex I'm into like I want to do weird sex things in my life that I haven't done I want to go to sex clubs I want to have threesomes I'm pretty vanilla even though the other people in the sex club they're also they're weirdos jizzing on your feet and she said it's all very consensual and it's all very ready to go to have a threesome experience to talk about it or do you want to do a threesome

with a girl and a guy I would prefer my own like I would like more cuz I'm just not like to be like they have to be mostly and that's all I want I am totally like if a guy is kind of gay but it's like enough in to me I'm fine with it if you sex index in your life you can take you I don't get is arnica how many dicks is there an over under it seems rare it seems like most girls would be skeeved out but I think it's like whatever you like

totally straight men there's nothing wrong with that as long as you're not homophobic or bisexual if you hate them I don't think that I don't think that liking dick makes you like pussy any less if you also if you're bisexual it's not like you have an amount of liking other people's body parts to give out and you're giving half of that to Dick's and have that supposed to say I think you can like them both equally and be as excited by them the front of you as a bisexual men who like sexual people that I don't really totally believe it was just a good joke but I believe in bisexual women but I think there's two types of gay men I think I don't necessarily believe in bisexual men I think there's gay men and then there's

really gullible straight dudes who get talked into blowing crafty gay guys

there's definitely some gullible straight dudes but I do think there are really bisexual man I'm just that's just a joke Secret in your call John Travolta's massage therapist

allegedly JoJo John good guy yeah I meant to look at women and go like I want to fuck her but if a girl was like super into me I could totally date someone fall in love with someone and like being in a romantic sexual relationship with a girl that would be just as gratifying as with him cuz you have to be

I'm kind of kind of gals they wear like down vest when it's just a little too warm out for that vest cuz they're just like I just like a woman who just Lumber Jackie give me an answer but like a sick woman with a Big Mac she's really know

feminine looking I like a woman who acts like a man Ruby Rose type character on Once ohmygod I

wow if she was into me but if it was like if she was like I'm going to try this out then no but she was like I want this girl and I'm going to come after relationship no not even close but I did make out with most girls I mean it was like all my girlfriends before I ever kissed a guy because I'm so scared of boys that I just the first time I got drunk and made out with all of my girlfriends kiss boys but we didn't have Boys around like that are girls and boys if you had like 10 guys in a row how many guys you think of made out with their buddies stuff early on before that they had a chance to do it with women straight and you are dealing with a severely impaired sample size

like whatever whatever semi homo energy retracting

the symbol for John Travolta us a joke. I don't think that's the number I think it's probably like what is the standard accepted number of homosexuals in the population is it one out of a hundred more to stop and think about that right there's 20 million people in Los Angeles you think 1 out of 10 that is a lot of games a lot almost

you still say homo enjoy it while you can they can say I hate respects us what are the numbers what is this numbers of gays broken down and its step if there's several stages that this closeted gays that are out to their friends which I have friends that are closeted gay that are out to their friends but they're in the business and so they're closeted have one friend in particular you know you are mother fucker 9% of men identifying round up a little bit how much will Roundup

I gotta round up at least a percentage more work dealing with about what do you mean how 5% of women identify and 3.9% of men so if your rounding up if you're doubling that what you're saying rounding up 5%. I think it's safe if they're saying it's 3% I think it's probably 5% and probably maybe even more because it's a such a stigma when it is a Stigmata something is always going to be a bunch of people that are just in denial of it and just they're sad that they are and you know

and I he was a comic and he used to have the most ruthlessly homophobic material it was awful it was awful but she used to do like he's got he's do these really mean nasty jokes about gay guys and then I moved out here to LA and then somebody said hey did you hear that guy's gay I want what I finally came out get the fuck out of here and then go back home went back to Boston and then they also needs like a big old Queen it's like he just

he was just keeping it in the poor bastard you know then it's happens all the time the guys went in so much that's beef curtains of Darby's 5456 I don't have a pussy in porn like a perfect little designer batch and used to be really insecure about it because I used to hear guys say like too many lips down there it's gross and I think a lot of guys that have that kind of mentality about pussies and

if I were a gay man that's if I had to do something that I didn't really want to be doing by Nature so that's where it comes from sometimes when I say when I say go on stage just say like really disgusting things about women and just hate women number to sleep and get gas but I was going to say bring up that what is his name Ted we talked about kneeling down the podcast about him from 2009 that my special now I know he was the famous preacher Ted Haggard anti-gay turned out he was smoking and having gay sex with gay prostitutes and then they out of the gym on CNN the gay prostitutes like I suck your dick and we smoke crack together but that's what it is like these guys they hate what they are and there's so many of these anti-gay

politicians that turned out to be gay so many of them because you were just telling us who you are

I think the thing about people that are living a lie is that they're always living in that lie and they can't see truth because they're spouting I think if you lie all the time like you're always not expressing yourself in an honest way you get super confused and you don't know what it is it's like Comics who steal jokes can't write jokes you ever noticed that right amazing jokes because to be living in that live concert like justifying it and living in your head like that those comics when they when they get outed and they're forced to write their own material they fucking suck they suck like like a joke like an open mic or something like someone who does not to do comedy and make it been doing comedy for 10-15 years yeah but you'll see their material and compared to the jokes taste

oh you like why you're so right to live a lie that betted to Steel material you can actually a creative person in another way it's a totally different if you're near a magician you're doing something you're doing it you're an actor so the opposite so interesting to take that away from them and then terrible as they get older I said get further along in their career instead of getting better they get way worse Carol thought it was always parallel thought was a joke it's like all of my stuff is stolen because why would I do that why would it take

once do I really need that that badly that I would steal it and then all this other stuff is original that all of my stuff is probably stolen that's one of the things you do find out when you find out if someone's a thief then someone starts going through their material and comparing it to all these other comedians you low holy shit like look at all this all my God and look at that time on TV but that's a Cosby oh my God and then you see like most of their thoughts they've somehow or another pilfered from someone else just sort of repackaged and that's a different kind of respect that you were able to have that Rose going for that long that's like a different kind of that's what you're just pull out that YouTube clip

I don't think they can I don't think they think about they can't possibly think about that I mean when she was doing when I used to shoplift I was worried ship liquor caught yeah big-time oh I was like I was trying to it to keep yourself from thinking about the fact you were really skinny hated myself over it was just a hot I would get like getting things and I would steal things that I didn't want that I didn't like that I would never wear that I just wrote this because I could and I knew that I had to get caught to quit but I wanted to keep going as long as I could and then I got caught and I never shoplifted again after getting caught but like I remember of getting caught being like that. Thank you like I'll never

tired of this shit and screaming at me like a couple years older than me was an Urban Outfitters in Lawrence Kansas caught on the way out the latest this is disgusting every level on every I was wearing my uniform from the restaurant job where I work next door and it was only cool place to shop in so I have to go in and disguises actually purchase things does band but I'm like

Eddie Murphy wave put on the fast

Nutty Professor

being someone who stole things like I knew that I would get caught and I wanted to get caught because it's a terrible life want to kill you to get addicted to killing you know one of the things that happens like when someone gets caught stealing we're just talking about this the other day was that when someone gets caught stealing and then you call them on it it said I won't do that again and then you hate you hear you just did that your bed at the Laugh Factory like that mother fucker he said he would stop doing it to keep thinking about with comedians that have had did not go on stage anymore because something happens obviously the me to stuff that's happened I like there's a part of me that's like what if someone said I couldn't go on stage for a year like I was banned

he's basically been forever I don't know what I do if I couldn't do stand up at night

people so like I'm not at risk of losing it right now but I don't think he thought he was at risk of losing that seems like it was just a matter of time I mean I was kind of blowing up around him with other men that he was maybe worried about it but like do you think he wouldn't years of like I hope this doesn't come back probably

yeah cuz it's a you know that's a weird one that's all because that's one that you liked how you described that I mean how do you do how do you defend that like it's really can't sister weird one it's just it's not the worst one because it's not I'm into jerking off in front of women I don't know what you should have done a press conference and Jim Norton should have been his attorney that would a fucking clear that thing up in a heartbeat

I mean yeah Norton is so free because he talks about like his nose into trannies and like that that's his thing and you know I was it rain anymore by the way you can still say it because he's into them that's he really does like transgender women I think he's talked about his mouth feeling about this but thank God for him he's so brave because the fact that he's so ruthlessly honest like that and loved for it you know sexual experiences with his early on

like an okay thing when Jim Norton was doing it back in 2002 and he was someone that early on I was like this is different to me and I love it and I want to be on the other side of this where I can talk about all this stuff to and not because of this freedom and being yourself when you are hurting anybody when you are yourself you fine people have to love you for it and they love the fact that you can be so brave that you can talk about all the different things you love that other people might be scared of admitting yes love of transgender women like think of that like if that came out about someone who's trying to hide that it would be devastating to

but to him it's just like you did you little just talk about it openly and laugh about it now and it's not a point of contention at all it's not it's not something he's ashamed up it's just who he is there's several people but just remember Sarah Silverman hearing her talk about being a bed-wetter and I was that was like my biggest shame for so long and then just like okay well then it's okay I don't think that it's the cool thing I'm not saying that like I am not trying to put that out there is like our naughty and don't you want to fuck with it even though people will put that on me sometimes but it's because you should try it feels good and I wanted to put it out there to women like it's it actually like I wanted to smoke

go to experience it and not be scared of it and it is gross if you are girl that's into it you're not ashamed of being into it or if your guy that's into it you're not a dude but fucking a dude his fucking you like give you got some sort of Human Centipede thing going on you

can you come here you have to throw one back because I'm going to be in one of these things which I think you can arrange that Goodluck Goodluck arranging with people going to focus on doing a threesome is like what if I get in it and like what if I have to go down on a girl in like I'm doing it and I'm like

what if what if I just don't like pussy but what's a possible because which is like the scariest thing I've ever done on live TV anything to go wrong and I'm like what's why am I so scared of a threesome because I think my think about the reasons I'm going to want to be here and then I'll still have to go through with it feel like knowing why don't I just check please I change my mind condition two things that have to come at the end of the thing called blue balls and I made out with a guy and gotten along with a guy and you decide to hook up with a guy like I'm getting naked with a guy you have to go through the whole thing until he orgasms like that is what that is what we are sold magazines it's TV

will a 5000 ways to blow his mind and I mean how many episodes how many issues have been made I mean it say about next year too so but my new thing is now like I used to be so scared if I agree to kiss a guy alone in a room then I'm probably going to have sex with him and then I don't even want to put myself in that scenario so I just didn't even kiss boys she can be mad at me it's not even about like it is it is exactly what you're saying cuz I want to say it's not about like he's going to force me to have sex with him it's like he's going to be

when did the right to be mad at me or you don't want to backup an unpleasant experience and accommodating and that's what I always felt like if I if I if I make out with a guy I have so many times in my life been making out with a guy in Ben said in my head like what's the least I can do to make this guy come like what what's the least what what can I do that is going to make me feel the least bad about myself or like something I what do I what can I do to make what how to can this guy get off and I can leave feeling good about myself in like I didn't do something I didn't want to do which and do I call Ray Vaughan it do I slipped back on the guy and go he raped me know the solution is wait wait longer before you get intimate with someone like get to know them really well

I think the solution is educating women and telling them that it's okay if a guy doesn't come and it is okay the second you're like I'm really feeling this for sure but I mean personally for you did not be in that situation like no guy really well before your intimate with him cuz he's part of the problem is a lot of times people get intimate with someone special of alcohol is involved you get intimate with someone before you know them and then you may be in the situation and you like this is not what I wanted and now I feel gross and I want to get out of here. I think it really is as a woman being able to say make the situation comfortable by being like I'm done here I'm so sorry I'm not going to come I just so neither are you and maybe we'll do this again sometime soon that recently someone who's in charge of the audition thank you Nikki

I really do care about you

I did that to someone recently where I was like I was literally hooking up with him and I was like

I don't just I think this is it this is going to be like it was but here's my thing is like more I hate this woman but if I'm going to get anything across your listeners because it's I sound like a hack 80s female comic right now but like like I never thought I'd be just like we need always be convinced to have sex with you if I'm willing to make out with you but for me I'm willing to take a good decking from you you have that opportunity if I'm making a noise open neon don't just try to stick your dick in me right after making out that's not going to be the way to fuck me sometimes I think before she says yes

just we need to bring back dry humping hot ice. Because you know what it feels like to get fingered when you're not turned on it feels like the way it feels when is well that's the way it feels when a guy goes to finger you and you're not wet but I can get there but now I'm not going to cuz now I'm insecure that I'm not wet and now it like I just want to cut this thing don't touch us there until we're like please let Joey take your hand and do it and if you get us there would you by doing all the other stuff over the pants feeling art it's kissing kissing get us revved up and we will ask you to beg you to fuck off

you feel I feel like you're on stage in front of a large audience telling people how to do men and women to have more sex and enjoy it more because I'm just giving the stuff so much thought but I I really hate being the girl to say but I'm just starting to get into this area this is right for material it's it's just true I might like I'm hoping that there's a guy in the back of the room that I'm like and 2/4 where is like I'm crushing on and I know he's in the room in like years do some over the pants fingering over the pants over the pants use the seam on where you're not sorry

appreciate it we just had 3 hours sorry to end it like that. That's the end of it and it that way settle it down. We don't need to I can I can I can go to the high point was good it's good to get out there on the back Nikki Glaser everybody tell everybody where they can find you on Instagram where where can I send his dick pics are coming your way. Coming from Nikki Glaser if you guys are out of a Sirius XM show every single morning Monday through Thursday from New York in the service building in New York City generally I'm here all the time but yeah it's every morning from 10 to 12 Eastern on Comedy Central radio Sirius XM channel 95

job is a job I love it it's really fun yeah you're awesome and I really appreciate you having me

thank you everybody for tuna to the podcast and thank you tour sponsors thank you to cash app download cash app for free get your cash card for free visit the app store or the Google Play Market now and when you download the cash app into the referral code Joe Rogan all one word you'll receive $5 in the cash app will send $5 to Justin wrens fight for the Forgotten charity thank you also to LegalZoom LegalZoom which is actually the way we started up on it.com the way we start that business we form the LLC through LegalZoom it is a wonderful way to not just start a business but they have a tremendous amount of resources that will help you

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