#1160 - Bert Kreischer

The Joe Rogan Experience #1160 - Bert Kreischer

August 23, 2018

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, actor and reality television host. His new special "Secret Time" premieres on August 24 only on Netflix.

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hey folks Fox going on in Toronto listen we gotta move the venue in Toronto I'm still going to be there September 29th here's what the issue is there's a strike there's some sort of union strike at that Venue at the Ricoh Coliseum so we're going to move to the Scotiabank just Christ I think it's called the Scotiabank Arena it used to be the Air Canada Centre I'll tell you right now to seconds

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yeah Scotiabank so that's where it's going to move to if you have tickets for the other place they just transferred over to the new place you don't have to sweat it the good news is the place that we were going to be at the Ricoh Coliseum is all sold out but the Air Canada Centre Now call the Scotiabank Arena has 1200 more seats so it's under a different Union contract it's also Union so we're not being Union Breakers or anything like that we're just going to a different place so that will be for sale soon the other things that are for sale how is September the 14th I am in Columbus Ohio at the Schottenstein

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Schottenstein God damn it how do I get that wrong I got it right two times in a row that's the 14th in Columbus

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that's that's where young Jamie Trump so that's it JoeRogan.Com for all the good stuff I already know if you send things through the mail and you do it on a regular basis you don't you don't want to go that line at the post office you don't have to deal with that stamps.com is the easiest most convenient way for you to access all the amazing Services of the US Post Office and you do it from your own home or your own office all you need is a regular computer and a regular printer and you can buy and print official US postage for any package any letter any class of mail and you do that shit 24 hours a day 7 days a week it's convenient it's easy it's reliable and it's efficient click print mail and you're done it's super easy to do this is what you do you go to stamps.com you click on the microphone

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code word Rogan save 10% off any and all supplements all right my guest today is the machine my best friend's the planet an amazing guy a hilarious dude you might know him from his podcast you might know him from this podcast you might know him from his Travel Channel Travel Channel Travel Channel show he has a new Netflix special that is out this Friday night August 24th it is called secret time and he is the one and only Bert Kreischer

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The Joe Rogan Experience

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did I love the video that I'll Tommy made otami is the fucking animation

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got to go check out Tommy's animation. Motherfuker where is it at now where can you go or where can you get that animation I know who makes amazing Indonesia who teach English to children and all they do is teach them how to say bird is fat

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and jeans and high and tight so strange and his wife together on that podcast that it's a weird like silly show the six of us should go out to eat one night because watching the two of them interact is there a just inside joke between the two of them and it's so much fun to be there really are one of the funniest couples that I've ever been friended in my life so good that's like every comedian Kapil when they're two comedians like it's like a bomb standing next to a guy got to get out of here for this thing blows it's so funny to be probably 15 years and I'm bullshittin he goes he's got two kids he's due to their house you can tell they have two brand new kids Palace is running around like a lunatic with a balloon running into walls at kids are Wrecking Ball the other ones an infant and heal

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I can't believe you did this with no money yeah that's true right now my daughter is 14 and how long in the comedy where you then I started 2608 years wow maybe yeah yeah yeah so it's 6 years and like that is not a good time as a comedian 6 years in is rough. I was featuring Georgia was born on a Tuesday and I had and we induce labor so that I can go feature for Dave Attell on Thursday oh my God that I was so excited to work with Dave Attell I was almost as

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yo you working Miami I worked at that stress terrible place to work

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dude I was just in Miami I was in Miami few months ago and I did that cellphone bag thing cuz I did it before I fill my Netflix special it's complicated it's annoying it takes a special you doing two shows it's a giant space between chow but never have I seen a crowd like how to use your phone you got to get out of the arena and then come back everybody which is constantly going out there were constantly getting up I mean it was just it was like I was doing stand-up not in front of people sitting down in front of people in a constant state of moving sitting down and getting up that's fucking insane just constantly moving like no place I've ever been there zero attention span I've always said if you want to starve to death open up a bookstore Miami these motherfuckers they just do Coke and fuck each other and party not everybody I know I'm generalizing if you like

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Billy Corben loves fucking Miami so so I started headlining my name is one of the first times that we had lunch I can handle the room that I had I had the most crazy experiences I've ever had there one night it's me and two other, so I'm headlining right Sunday night and I say to the manager said she's pretty sure they heckling her I think that happens I'm not comfortable with that so I guess feature that goes up they destroying he comes back on my hair matted and he's like it's not good so I go out and I do an old Dave Attell trick but I watch Dave do it or he would ask the audience a question that he had the joke

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set up at what's the best way to please your wife you know and then he has a joke what's the best way to give oral sex to your check and put your lips around or die early and go and so I do that for it with these gang Bangerz for like 40 35 minutes and it's killing time fun I look off to the left and all the sudden one of them a darker guy names Ray gets up on stage and he's like you stay with me

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pulled his pants down and shows his dick and it is massive massive and dark like and everyone silent I'm like okay ray

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but thank you very much you think it's on I might not now show yo shit son show yo shit son I was like not going to happen now not going to happen now I know you know you might want to leave I'm sure they're calling the cops and he's like good looking out and he leaves right

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so I'm going to say I have nothing to say I'm like I like how do I follow that all the sudden lighter skin dude face tattoo dreadlocks stands up real slow on my gets on stage and just goes the real mother fucker you know real mother fukin getting for a 305 pulls his pants down and he has an equally almost like lighter two-toned like a purple ring around the lake and the place is going bananas oh my God oh my God I thank you so much for the and he's like good looking out good looking out

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he gets off stage right eye Joe as I swear on my children's lives I swear my children's on hairless albino girl or guy and I go so funny man the only dick I ever wanted to see was yours and the quiet audience quiet he's slowly stands up and it was like no please don't have it gets on stage drops his pants and it is huge no hair looks like a lighthouse just I just dropped the mic insane start giving out free tickets and just went off the charts like no one was paying and it was all just like young kids and I remember I had a joke once where I said something about I think Oscar De La Hoya I was like a joke about boxing about like you know taking a left hook from Oscar De La Hoya and someone yells out

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Linda Vargas and then someone go fuc yeah I need to start dating about what is nothing to do with it boxing even what the fuck but it turned into this like gigantic argument over like which Latino boxers is better craziness I've never been out of control and control it was fine then somewhere along the line it just went to chaos they started doing just Rowdy and ready or accident getting more and more young kids and then sometimes you go there and not everyone spoke English as another real problem in that club too you never saw anybody kill like you see Diaz do Spanglish in front of those fucking people all those guys

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job Joey to work together like it worked and it up from doing a, storm so much I'm just used to chaos to get used to chaos sometimes

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it was just a shadow it's just it a show and it's chaos it's fun but those my first taping in Philly my God it was wild ass place to take to brother I do for now it's the way to go it seems like it's not but did the thing is like you want to make it the most like a regular show with what the ironic thing is most of what I use I use from the first show because I'm so loose because I know I have 4 shows it's like it's different it's it's it's when you're when you're filming one show like I always remember seeing Bill Hicks Relentless which is the one he did in in the UK is a big theater in the UK and it took out strikeout production comes out to Jimi Hendrix song and it's fire behind him and all this shit and

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you can feel the tension like he's got tension because he's got one shot at this he did a great job but it was stiff it's just stiff and like I was dating this time she's very smart it watch it with her and she's like

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he's interesting but this is not funny noise she said that I was like wow like I was to me I was trying to Bill Hicks smells like hurt like I wanted to argue with her but I was like I can't argue with her she's kind of right it wasn't I didn't laugh when I was such a fan that like watching him was like important to me like I'm wanted to watch it like cuz I feel like he was a very important figure in comedy you know Archbishop that I was when I was watching him she's making me laugh at all I know the materials well-thought-out and it's very good

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but it's just that I recognize just like that one show thing you feel me one show your one shot of it I think I could because I come from a like a baseball Sports background I like having pressure on me I love that feeling of you got one shot to a feeling we did too and the first one it rained the generator went out and we had to hold the audience in the rain for an hour and a half she's Veloster Buzz right there soaking wet they finally come into the show there in the show that they're trying to catch a buzz again and it just it was a bad show like legit like legit I didn't even do well like I'm ever tell my buddy Tony who produced it I go bye-bye shows were like when you moving accidentally stand on the mic and you go to move in in the mic moves away from your mouth you will didn't exist

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notepad goes even know where to start so I get so I got one more shot I got one shot and in my head I have that High School Bert Kreischer like you said you like pressure let's go mother fucker you got one shot like it's home I'm getting chills talking about going let's go you're not fucking up one word you're having to show your fucking life my buddy Tony Hernandez and producing comes over he goes back in high school to be like a bum a Coke but we're grown-ups have coffee went on and Joe I swear to God I'm the best show of my life the best show of my life to the point where I was like I even I fucked around a little bit on stage and I just kept in the special I was like and I think if I did 9

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baby sloppy if I do too and I go fuck I got one shot I got a guy gotta get this tonight this is important to me as many as you want honestly you know it's it's just a matter of like that that pressure of that second show it for the first show I think that's what I'm talking about this with the Chuck Palahniuk yesterday

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for sure terrible moments on stage I think I like the best thing ever for your act like eating shit eating shit the best thing ever for you at cuz then you you recover from they look I don't want to feel that again. Ever attend not feeling too it's the worst didn't you you bounce back you figure out how to how to tighten everything up you figure out how do you season a bad moment a joke that doesn't work you know like I've got some new stuff man that is just not that good infant stage where it's just like wobbling around every now and then I'll catch it I'll catch it perfect and it's like it's all I've been doing some of them for like two or three shows and also they like wobbly when that man I'm trying to figure it out on stage and fuck around with them that's like the whole purpose of doing all these shows in town especially and but those those haunt you in the ride home

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call that's why I'm grateful to the store for a buck an hour in the back room cuz I took it up in the main room following like Julia and I just said here we go and that club can really let you know where the silence is and you go all right and then you're like I've been lazy I'm in performing the fans will give you the benefit of the doubt love you need to like it that's the old movie quote that I used to hang my hat on there like why don't you work at what used to be because anyone can make them laugh who's like I'm famous like if I go in your friends that's why I did what I did the road is the art forms to make strangers laugh and I was like strangers laugh

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yeah well it's it's also you don't want a delusional perspective and one thing that does happen to some complex Stanhope with his butt like he's like why would I go and do someone else's audience because it took me 25 years to make my own audience I really feel like to develop material to really do it right you got to do it in front of just regular people people do not necessarily there to see you and the beautiful thing about the stores if there's 15 people in the lineup or 20 people know how to put over this and see you 10% Like You and Aaliyah and also you know Tom and also Christina like it's there just, defense like develop like that I've seen a few people that develop an audience and that's all Their audience and then they just get real complacent real lazy

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I said light leaks are some internet Comics meaning like YouTube comment people that do comedy now it's summer good Summer Good summer developing I don't know I was just saying that to be polite but like I got booed off stage in Montreal because he's been performing the fans on a show of the comedians on and then at the end of his sat says the comedy shouldn't be about about preaching it should be about making people laugh right it shouldn't be about ethics or moral support while you're ready it should be about making people laugh on stage not making people laugh that is what you're doing you silly the bark it is one of the silly things I've ever seen in my life is like this is an he's essentially a beginning comic

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maybe when do East Allen 3 years so he does like videos in the videos are very popular less they're stealing or stealing from somebody else just do your fucking act unless something happened before you that's so egregious and ridiculous that you feel like you have to address it when you go on stage cuz it's sitting in the room and just try to do you know when you pick up your phone if you just try to do that before you and just eat so much shit that you have to say something you have to say something but what that guy did was ridiculous, D is and what isn't I said I'd read an article about that this I'm assuming she's a gay woman wrote about Lake trashing Hannah gadsby and going hey we're gay and we're doing stand-up

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when I just preaching are saying, he's dead I think we're all buying into it because these people are writing these articles they're not even in comedy they're just kinda fans or fans of her and what I think she did and I'm only see part of it I saw the whole thing like a lot this is what she's doing it's if people enjoy it that's great but the problem comedy is the, DS1 category it's just comedy but, he could be Cat Stevens it could be Guns and Roses it could be the Geto Boys you know I'm saying it's like when you go to see music there's a very distinct genres there's no this just comedy, it's just comedy like you could go see a folk singer and what they're

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on stage like really slow and quiet is music but then you go to sleep fucking Led Zeppelin and you go okay well that's music to how the fuck is that music to you know how it how is Motley Crue the same kind of thing as Cat Power how is that how are they how are they the same will they are both music just like we do comedy and she's doing a version of, some of it is really funny and some of it is her just talking about stuff and like a very serious why that's fine, tell me about crazy who knows she's doing what she's doing if you enjoy it and that's what you want to see more of those see that unicorns that I can I giggled at once a week I'll tell her jokes it's not on Netflix you can see it when I was growing up I knew more facts about unicorns and I did lesbians she goes

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there no facts about unicorns

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that's a good Viking that's a good fucking joke that is good joke that's her experience She's a Lesbian. It's Hard Out There For A Pimp I get it to where we will I think people create unnecessary and artificial adversaries I really do and I think this is one of the ones that's going on right now in comedy and I seen with this internet thing it's like stop stop at the fall into it too I buy an O2 and read some of these articles like, he's not dead the fuck are you talking about doesn't make any sense anymore that's fine too just like now she's famous right she can just do one woman specials for one person specials or one entity specials

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vijender she doesn't think off subject you can't it's off limits if you're going to have to ask someone whether they were there a boy or girl and it's going to be very delicate you going to have to ask him what your preferred pronouns are you like what and then everyone's going to be this is going to be a lot of ambiguity ambiguity ambiguity never said that that's a weird one but nobody would have anticipated that they would be debate about transgender

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oh my daughters are outside of like one of the progressive bathrooms we're not married it's at the bathroom and my daughters saw her first dick that way just pushed open the door cuz it's no man or woman and then she's like I just sometimes you don't I've done that you walk in the door but it was it at any sex bathroom or was it a any gender bathroom I don't know they have I don't fucking know once and I'll wait for the bathroom it's a long fucking wait man and finally the door opens and a chick comes out

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the men's room and she look like yeah I was I was in the men's room like what if I was in the women's room taking a shit what if you were in there a big steamer I did that coming off of a plane from Atlanta I was going to Atlanta on about to take a shower and put on my pants and I walk in the bathroom start shitting headset still in listen to music start sweating a little bit so hot in there take the hoodie I'll take the headset sound like her women's voices and I'm like oh my God I'm sitting in the woman's bathroom I did that The Comedy Store once I took a leak in the women's room I didn't realize it when they put those new bathrooms in the side hallway it was like a men and women's bathroom and then they open up the men's bathroom

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and I walked in and there was girls name like you was crazy we're all here together

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isn't it funny but you can be next to people Here's a thought about right it is something in plaid because generals are involved right but you could be standing next to the same people in an elevator it would be like everything's fine but if you stay in a bathroom Ono Ono private parts naughty Park poopy poopy about even if everyone is just washing their hands close to each other in the sink it's like everyone's creeped out I can't wait to get the fuck out of here the tension so thick in Pittsburgh people know you can't you can't so we grew up where you can sit in front of dudes like like like I'm still kind of like this but like

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if me and you were talking like him and I got to take a shit I would have shot and you would have stood there and I would have finished telling you it's in front of me playing video that was there oh my God I was on the road and green room and I saw him not to put it mildly

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still have any more problems he still when we were when we were in Atlanta he was like how the bathroom compilation of town so dry so much blood don't put that up don't put that up I was just telling me you got here how important those videos were all the videos you shot with bread with red band and Ari and Joey the proline that's so important to where you are today in my opinion the I found that stuff when used to started blowing up that stuff was in such heavy rotation for Comics you look for comics and you were recognizable because of Fear Factor in Newsradio but I I got to those videos and I probably watched

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every single one of the videos you got shot as as it all of us Tom did all of us just because it was like it was the content we could find that's what we're talking about which which is like get on to start uploading content cuz one day someone will see it and go I know that guy and I really believe that you guys were so ahead of that curve you guys had a great content hafler and Columbus arguing with a Heckler and DC feminist arguing with videos real like 4-5 times there was a lot of those but you know what what was really good about it was red bands editing these really talented like his video editing skills like that men see a video that was part of why that video is so popular because a long-ass video but his editing skills were so good what was the music

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turn turn turn turn turn turn turn turn on the music was perfect it was the whole thing was you know it's he's a really good editor he really he's really talented at it but it's so time-consuming it drives him nuts that he'd rather just fuck around and do podcasts and have a good time but when he was doing it like when we go on the road together and he's feeling a lot of stuff and spicy things together would make a video a couple months or something like that it was really fun it was it was an interesting experiment you know I'm just just just a fuck around I got into when I got into vlogging we're both found casing I said I think of the same time and I got really in the blocking and I loved it man I don't think I'd maybe like 40 episodes and it was just fun but then I started realizing it was cannibalizing my lights to a point where I wasn't living an authentic life at all I was just shooting everything everything was shot like I saw you I would like I would be like

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people fall into your Instagram was like little tiny...... Like your phone like constantly battery chargers and you're just constantly charging up your phone and filming videos crazy Instagram I do it I'll do those stories aggressively if I'm running the triathlon running a marathon doing a big event that's what I do like how I like to do big things and then that's how my stories and then I'll fuck around on the weekend and I'll put up maybe like three stories of a $5 a day and I'll show you my life a little bit but for the most part I like I try to try to distance myself from it for two reasons number one at Fox my eyesight like if I'm on my phone a lot my eyes are fucked and number to it does cannibalize your life

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what I would like what I want to do I think the next level is businesses is honestly like going backwards and doing what you and Redman were doing with those videos but getting yourself out of it and having a guy like red band that's his job it's hard to see the thing is with a guy like red Bandits that job is very hard to do but I think it's like his greatest Talent he's really good at making videos but he like I said he doesn't like to do it and a lot of people don't like to do it because it's time-consuming so you could just take stuff and just me and I'll cut it and paste it but he did more than that he had special effects and music and you know what he was doing was he was figuring out a way to make sometimes mundane situations interesting and interesting situation way more interesting it's hard to do so I can see if you'd like say you know you want to get you like you have to find a guy like you don't have to get Brian to start doing it again

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We Jammin they were talking about this out my next step is doing what you're doing a much smaller level like getting an area getting a space do my podcast on my solo podcast out of there but then creating content but it was your soul podcast you have a solo ones yeah I do it yourself open tabs so I go through out on the weekend like when I'm normally killing time looking on the internet and I just leave all those tabs open on Safari and then I go in and I just go through and close them and tell you what they are and show you the videos watching like I was a lot of videos of my friends do shit like Bill Burr kills on some interview I show that or if you like like a lot of I mean a lot of them are like the interviews you have with these guys like David and cam Hanes campaigns is like all those all those like really inspirational guys I'll pull up videos of them and then I'll send I'll get obsessed with flash floods so fucking

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dude there's this guy no joke like I think I'm a good comic disguise better at what he does but he tracks flash floods and he's like he's like on camera like okay I'm in the valley I know there's raining over there you should be done within 15 minutes for the flash go to run and he can chase it and almost following phylum it pop up on the bank and then cut a corner to get in front of it again this guy so good fuck follow flash floods there's this girl this is what I found on the internet online there's this girl Kimmy Warner okay this girl is the best I'm obsessed with spear fishing right now and I've never fishing never done in my life obsessed with spear I watch spearfishing videos go maybe 8 hours a day when I'm in bed and you know when you're Killin Time

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Kimi Werner to pull up give me one or this woman is a fucking amazing there's a picture of her swimming with a great white shark spearfishing woman coming on next week Valentin Thomas I don't know her I'm Googling the fuck out of her Google Valentin Thomas she's coming on next week she was a lawyer who quit our gig and it became like a very active and active on social media Spearfish wrote she's beautiful where she out of the Keys in Florida shooting a lot of hog head groupers by the way this is what I talk about something I've never fucking done we should do it this is what is wrong with me is that I've watched so much for your fishing I'm going to talk about it intimately the thing about shooting on the west coast of Florida is a used lot of Hawaiian slings alright very different than the average beer V

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what's a Hawaiian sling

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yeah it's ride the tuna I think it's just based on the depth of where you hunt so when you hunt over on the west coast and now I'm talking out of my ass do not listen to any of it but it's a lot of shower and shoots it's like 30 ft Lottery shoots out in Hawaii Kimi Werner goes down like a hundred feet and chills low and just chills and white Bahamas Bahamas Bahamas 6ft that's what I'm looking at bro I'm obsessed with fearful at such-and-such a life of it looks like fun she invited me Valentine invited me to go

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next week but I'll have the time it's going to go to San Diego they're going to go tuna spearfishing like cuz you got to really know how to hold your breath for a long time it's different I think so I think only because of debts like everything's pretty shallow out on the west coast and the East Coast are these all the keys you're you're doing like 15 ft 15-20 tops but but is a tad bit deeper at least from what I've been watching with Kimmy Kimmy wondering there's a video of her no shit hanging out at a hundred feet just for the spear just

► 00:43:07

just waiting just got four and a half minutes kill why not four and a Half Men she's holding her breath she can also she's free diving all free diving in like camouflage camouflage not afraid of sharks love sharks you know what the heck suit is ever heard of a hex suit they got the suit called a hecs it's like a suit that there's some it's based on something I think it's called a faraday cage and what it does is it hides your electrical signal and one of the things about fish is it fish apparently they read your electrical signal like you look like you you can take up there certain machines that like you could cover your hand over them and it'll register that an electrical signals coming off of your body but then when you put this hex suit on you run your hand over the same exact machine and shows nothing is something that it's very controversial no hunting community

► 00:44:07

really works cuz there's no real clear absolute studies that it works on animals but there are clear studies that it Shields your body's electrical signal and but it works pretty unequivocal bleach on fish on Fish it's crazy you pull up hex suit hecs suit video fish you put a suit on and they can't see you like date for whatever reason you can get right up to them it's fucking weird man but yeah you get right up to fish right up to like corals to get rid of the coral reefs here's the thing I don't know how much this would happen exactly the same way if this guy wasn't wearing a suit cuz I don't really I don't really have that information but I do know that people that Spearfish and people that like are involved with you know underwater diving shit they swear by these things they they they say it absolutely

► 00:45:07

and they had it on Shark Week 2 they're using it on Shark Week

► 00:45:11

just something about those suits yeah I don't know why I was going to go out to the Great Barrier Reef with Ari Thomas going out there the same time we're all three going to go dive at the Great Barrier Reef do live-aboard and I are actually I've been talking back and forth about finding a place to do a live-aboard and go put the electric Bow Wow

► 00:45:38

your RC adventure or is all about living life and if I can mold fold into my family and let my wife understand that like you know once a quarter I got to do something crazy you know then and then my wife said she's cool with it we talk to what's the ultra marathon runner that you had on Courtney dauwalter nope just bitter International Marathon to do together like find an international really 26 Mile Coke man let me tell you something I've always have respect for like I don't have respect for cam never never anything shy that will you run a marathon

► 00:46:25

respect you have for campaigns guys like David Goggins it enters a new Stratosphere you're like what like embrace the hate embrace the suck. Quit that's where my brain when I went at Marathon as I decide not to quit at 8:20 to my boo by quad one of my legs and the woman in front of me shit her pants and I was like a grown woman like an executive shit her pants went down one leg up brass well and I went since you stopped nope she kept going Easter but like running pastor and he's doing a Marathon today he's running

► 00:47:18

and the way he's talking as he's running is inspirational beyond measure from a guy like me where I go I want to get there I don't want to get like he's fucking I can't I mean I can't I can't I can't put into words full-time job will they be on stage on a second show I'll have that drink that's what's going on

► 00:47:53

nothing man cleaning it up no I'm just I don't know I don't know I don't know but this is what sucks about being me is like going to go watch out what's going on are you sick cuz I'm going on you like nah just I'm also regular it's fine you know I did the triathlon and I didn't drink leading up to it and I did it and I felt really good I just thought and you know

► 00:48:28

you know when you have friends that I'm 45 and she starts saying seeing friends that lifestyle starts to affect in different ways you know okay I want I want I don't ever want to quit drinking I don't ever want to quit smoking weed I don't ever want to go with re run a marathon and did not do mushrooms with the mint in Buenos Aires I want that to be a part of my life but I can't have that if I'm going at the pace I'm going at like I can't I can't have both will you started to drool on your body a lot more like what you're doing with all this running and you know these the one that you did what you had to do all the obstacle course race race doing a triathlon you were lying on your body part of your Recreation now is relying on your endurance and when you doing that and you drink it at the same time you just shoot yourself in the foot but yeah I mean I still like I said like we did the Spartan Race in right after you set up in the stands I don't have some beers

► 00:49:28

I think for me training for the triathlon was just I couldn't do both I just was not be able to do both and then when I got done I just you know I think a lot of like I was thinking about last night I didn't drink I didn't drink last night obviously and

► 00:49:45

I was like I was in the shower today I had a really hard time sleeping last night I was up all night I've got to do a lot of press and so you know I think you empty your serotonin cuz you're giving everyone and everything and I was like I was up all night like a little bit of panic attacks and I definitely would have drank last night what does that mean like what happens and for me personally I will start saying the same phrase over and over in my head again I can't get it out

► 00:50:13

like what

► 00:50:15

like a tank

► 00:50:21

bright like a like my brain will go satellite of Love satellite of love love Fox the alarm on is the alarm on and I get up when I go check the alarm and then I get in bed I go I should just make sure all the doors are locked then I go check all the doors and then again I might go to that lock the man cave. The man cave normally that's where I will start like it if I have a few drinks that does not happen you know it's weird but Jamie was talking about this to its at night at night when you get weirded out it's like when you get ready to shut off it's like can I shut the body off yet is everything cool

► 00:51:02

I think meditation might help me because I can't just I can't shut my brain off and then I'm like and then I go thank you man cave all of my life is like a half of this probably a smaller one that would like one that's like 6 by 7 or 4 by 7 4 by 7 I would rather have those infrared saunas I love those sounds great too

► 00:51:43

yeah you just let me think about it this morning in the shower and I was like you know what man because I learned how to cope and go to bed with nothing and no NyQuil no nothing I'm super up when I learned little tricks like drinking on planes I still may have a few drinks before I get on the plane or a couple drinks on the plane but the difference in early morning flight I don't need a drink on the plane I don't need I don't need it right away I just said I just got to do it you know it was help me to realize what was happening to you dreams when your smoking pot all the time cuz as soon as you stop smoking pot and then your dreams become super Vivid like really Vivid like excruciating Lee Vivid strange bizarre like what am I doing myself with the weed all the time that's probably not good for my dreams

► 00:52:43

I told you I told you go to bed. Cuz I was I was a lunatic on Alpha Brain if you take it before so I can if I'm like these packets you spell take one pack of that packets with some water before I go to bed and then you know it make an hour before you go to bed and with no pot and Alpha Brain you will have lucid intense fucking dreams like their intense they're in their durable like you realize your dream and they say they don't wake up like they're there they get Lucid in your in the middle of them describe lucid dreams lucid dreams are like a delicate bubble almost catch it on your hand and Pop Pop's these were like basketballs but they weren't pop it could be in the middle of dreaming a dream okay was just keep going and they wouldn't knock me out of the Dream Bible

► 00:53:43

nice and then I was in the dream which ordinarily would immediately do it or no I have to look up a lucid dream naturally and I have Bucking in I have I been sold a car show comedy central based on my dreams I insane dreams you should try to give her that says it's another nootropic it's a real potent one of the interesting things about nootropics is there's a ton of them there's a lot of different ones I found recently is creatine they found a creatine boost your your your mental performance creatine makes your body retain more water as well rights one of things people don't like about it kind of gives you like a chubby face like to get a little little bloated on it but more water but if you have more

► 00:54:43

water it also makes you stronger like it a proven like overtime taking creatine supplement is very effective it really does make you stronger makes you bigger so yeah I think they call that is all the tissue and all this water it's like it's probably just everything is healthier right and probably the flow of everything's healthier to the conductivity of it all I'm saying I was going to but I would think that all that make sense like you're like it to your brain works terrible Wednesday hydrated dehydrated and try to think it's your brain is so weak it's incredible how much dehydration affects the way your brain perform on the other side it should be that with your really well hydrated you bring play work better in the only make sense

► 00:55:34

amazing how important water is everything on it with the whole Triathlon they hit me up and they're like man this guy Connor Reed really cool guys like he's at the fan of what we do is like man I love sober October I love you and Tommy's vets you know like there's a lot of people as bizarre as a sound whatever we decided to do with these competitions that got inspired and lost a ton of weight and your husband and like guys who hit me up like I'm running my first marathon I'm running my first Spartan Race I'm me and my buddies are doing it when you're in Columbus can you come hang out with us and it's really is I know Tom and I talked about it a lot it just was not Our intention but we just wanted to but we're fucking around and then we all did Silverado right there are people that come up came up to me at the triathlon what do the sky Willie Nelson

► 00:56:34

name and he's like he's at bro we should do something else to like right now it's almost September 23rd

► 00:56:59

the song of time to figure it out another thing inside sober October and we could do the yoga classes would you do it again I'm not getting time to do those fucking yoga classes in a row just amazing like if you just know that you have to do it you just do it but if you don't know you have to do what you find all sorts of reasons to not do it like I'll just go lift weights and yeah just go for a run but it's like I have to get seven more these fucking things in in the next 14 days I just doing right now about them is that it's this sounds silly but now I have

► 00:57:46

Hot Yoga in my you tell utility belt worth of workouts where I go sometimes I'll go like like I'll come off the road and I'll be like, and maybe a booze that weekend I'll be like Monday I'm doing a hot yoga and I'll go to a hot yoga and and I know how the poses I don't I'm not embarrassed I know I've got the mat like when your first Hot Yoga is embarrassing but when you go back in and you do it again and you just pour sweat you like shit I'm coming back tomorrow and then course you don't but it's it's courageous when you see people going to those classes that are like really obese and they just take that risk of being almost naked in front of these people your shorts on shitten some lady just did it the other day that her first class and I was like that lady took a obviously she's not physically fit she's not that active is Publix Super nerve-wracking for her to stick up Ball Z chance it's a bit stuff to do

► 00:58:44

you know it's tough to fucking take a you know about kettlebell class stuff in there it's weird you get weirded out when I started to go to a pool and swim and get mosquito. I wear Speedos all the time but for real where one like for real for real for real like it's you Glide like a fucking dolphin lotion it's a bad example

► 00:59:18

it's supervised visiting to me but yeah I was in Italy last week I was swimming in the ocean is really isn't it wow it's so much easier to swim in the ocean it's so it's so much easier easier Open Water Swimming in saltwater in life like the Malibu triathlons coming up that one's it's it's tough to have my swim but you're in a wetsuit and your boy went and your saltwater sharks white sharks they're everywhere around a hundred of pack like that oh well what's the odds of you get bitten skip to the center for the middle supposed to win the worst movies of all time

► 01:00:13

it's supposed to be so bad

► 01:00:18

it's a big shark that is fucking nobody saw before holder it is I want to see it the mag what's it got 91% like this movie 47% Rotten Tomatoes 6.2 on IMDb

► 01:00:43

like what's the what is the worst received movie recently it's been some really really bad ones right

► 01:00:52

oh I got this it I can. I could come up with this guy out there was one that came out recently and everyone trashed and I'm not going to say oh my God movie that's it

► 01:01:11

let's see a picture of the movie I like that everyone trashed up

► 01:01:18

gotta leave that one alone bring that paper

► 01:01:23


► 01:01:28

it's fucking that's that's a business I don't want to get into I don't ever want to do that I see Tom doing it now he's doing some movies and Mikey Good Luck nice to see him blowing up that movie thing is a trap you gets on those sets for 16 hours a day and everyone's depressed everyone's tired and everyone's on antidepressants fucking everyone everyone oh my God you talk to actors but what they're on well you know my my Wellbutrin wasn't doing it for me so I got on Lexapro and I'm on Zoloft and I really find it just it's really bouncing me out and I start taking this I start taking that and Xanax a little here a little while everyone is on something fuck that you go to Columbia for 8 weeks and you live in Columbia and do the Mark Wahlberg do that mile 22 you just lived in Columbia for a week's fuck that

► 01:02:23

how much rather just do stand-up I wouldn't mind doing I'm not even joking I would my dream that my dreams doing what I'm doing right now like I like to expand expand that if I could do my own thing and expand that that's my goal but if you said part of the business easily like a news radio like that like an ensemble that was hard to man I would love a multi-cam fun if everybody gets along but you got to rely on all those other people to keep their shit together you know goes sideways and then on top of that the sometimes the scripts don't work and sometimes when the shows not doing well then you have executive Search I meant I honestly think they would like something's burning like that kind of thing with all things comedy cooking show with his no real bosses is way better for a guy like you work out with me

► 01:03:23

you're never going to be able to be really authentically yourself with all these Executives and producers and network notes and all that shit they don't know what the fuck they're doing man they just don't occasionally you'll get good advice but when something gets through with that that's where the system and becomes a hit it's almost by luck it's almost like wow what are the odds it's like a salmon making its way up a river like why would it go up River so fuck are you doing this is a terrible that is so stupid no sense so dumb but the one that makes it and spawns like look this our system it works like okay I guess this is it but it's almost like that it's like you're doing something it's like so counter-intuitive you doing something creative and you're being judged and an ordered around by the evil zero creativity they're not funny comedians they're not funny

► 01:04:23

we either telling you what to do and then you have to think about their notes and you got to bring in the gay roommate and the fucking the black neighbor and the hot chick down the street that everybody wants to fuck and everyone's like tripping over yeah I don't know thanks man so we went into it when we went and did that first on his burdens me Bill and Tom and I walked on set and I said I'm super difficult to work with just want to go to know that I don't anyone stop me don't even want to do anything I'll let you know when we starting to let you know we're done and they're like okay I should just cut everything don't ever ask me to stop and do anything just cover everything that's a problem Lego stop rewind say that again alone now I'm thinking about you and I'm thinking about that camera and I have to reset again me and Tom and Bill did that first one just one take

► 01:05:22

vote for any boat time ago when I got 45 minutes I was like perfect we should we got it all they got up I think they are almost all of it and then everyone loved it and then till the end button Bobby Lee came in same thing I was like damn thing do the best ones shopping break Island to me or my favorite cuz you see Brenda shopping he is so fucking funny in that is so fucking funny in that they like aren't you guys cook oh my God Joe cook crab we had to kill them on there and you have to kill in a humane way what in order to do it yet Skillman of Maine waived in order to kill crab legally especially on YouTube you got to kill him that you made a way on YouTube gets shot to the heart with a bow and arrow the crap

► 01:06:15

all I know is that the one that we got was even have senses well Bryan Callen to it he was so fucking funny look up their dick and put them I think so think that's what it is and you jam it in and then one

► 01:06:39

what's up their dick why are you putting it bro and it within like 6 seconds message Humane death for the crap otherwise they're suffering so I show that to Brennan Brennan's like no bro I'm definitely a fucking doing this and Brian just goes I'll do it and literally like The Barber of Seville go to and kills 20 fucking crabs like this I mean in Cioppino and they neither of them thought they'd like it and they loved it what's Cioppino that's like a soup it's like he's

► 01:07:18

Willamette Humane weird thing like you have to kill them humanely as opposed to Boiling them Alive's at the idea with lobsters they always tell you supposed to boil them a lot but what magic doesn't you know what magic leaves their body when they don't taste as good if you don't boil them alive I don't know about that What's Happening Here

► 01:07:58

we want them to be fresh right there's a big difference in seafood seafood and freshness those that that's huge like you don't see dry-aged Seafood you know like if you get if you get a piece of beef from a restaurant like a steak a lot of times aged because the bacteria on the meat actually starts to break it down and it makes it more tender and actually gives it a lot of that mold that they cut off of it you your receipt dry aged beef before they slice it up ready to show him follow on Instagram that was doing something insane like

► 01:08:38

I think they have like a 200 day dry aged beef which is just like even hearing about that you like what in the hell would you know that's what it looks like yes that's a dry aged beef look like it looks like it's rotten like rotten meat and you lose some of the meat and Beans really wasteful in a way because the outside edge that black shit they cut all that off so you're losing video Jamie of trimming just Google trimming dry aged beef and look up YouTube bridge and was doing it his own fridge in his garage so look at that nasty outside look it looks rotten man they takes the outside and you you cut into it and then I guess he's going to cut all the fat off and he's going to turn it into steak

► 01:09:39

I was going to do with all that fat that's interesting

► 01:09:42

thrown in the garbage

► 01:09:46

so this fat is he one easy throwing that away so he's just got to see that fat away

► 01:09:53

oh so he keeps a lot of the fat on and the fat on top yeah you losing the outside edges in this particular cut but on some steaks you know it depends on how long is dry aging it to like when some people go really ham with that shit though you know like I said they're dry age for hundreds of days

► 01:10:18

experimental stop. Doing now where I stood on the Instagram I would love that can't cook though you know Dudley Ken Dudley can cook his ass off, cook I'll cook for you guys do you know how to cook that out of reverse sear but if you ever fucked around with Wild game I'll give you some today and you could fuck around with it and then if you get it right you know we'll figure out a way to do it I'll give you some recipes and stuff but it's not it's not that difficult but it is it's it's more tricky than beef beef is hard to fuck up especially like fatty beef because there's so much moisture you know where is Elk is basically your you basically eating a bodybuilder eat you know and it's just a Richard darker meat and has very little fat in it but

► 01:11:15

if you do it right it's fantastic you had it before that's good but that's hard to like the right way to do it is to do an elk steak I got a fucking set up that goddamn grill out here but we don't know how to have proper ventilation I got one of those Yoder pellet grills in the back there but we don't know how to get the proper ventilation we might need to get some sort of a permit put like a vent like they would do with a kitchen God damn it I can't find this guy's this one know where Gourmet Meats what is he got going on just Google try 500 day dry aged beef on YouTube holy shit yeah these guys don't fuck around

► 01:12:07

can I tell you one of one of the coolest things you turn me on to what fucking Adam Greentree animal due to his insta stories like I get bummed when I when I skip them anyways on one of those applicants

► 01:12:22

yeah I know he he does not fuck around dude that guy he goes out by himself by himself extreme aged steak wasn't saying that for 20 days oh go to 400 let's see what that looks like it probably looks terrible when I start cutting it up to back it up a little bit so you can click on it so they say it's real weird man I mean you're basically letting it rot and you're relying on the bacteria to not completely flourish like you have to have a certain temperature I think they keep it somewhere around like 40 degrees or something like that

► 01:13:03

and it's dry like look at that fix terrible that looks like a rotten piece of meteor supposed to he's going to eat that is so weird dude that's so weird it's doesn't even look red anymore

► 01:13:19

I mean it's white and I think that's that's why you how do you say it why do you why you what's the other word for that was another word about Kobe ya

► 01:13:31

seating so keep it going inside so he's he's he's going to sear it I guess

► 01:13:40

yeah and then throw some time out and then he's going to suvi you ever suvi it takes forever to sous vide eggs does an hour for soft boiled eggs I love soft boiled eggs have something and cook it likes a 225 degrees which is like where you want your steak to be and you can have it in there for hours what you do to take steaks and you got a vacuum-sealed suvee them and then you can just let him sit you're not going over cook oven then sear them soon as some butter and garlic or with a blowtorch I do a blowtorch sometimes they have suvi torches look at other guys got the butter and the time all sweet baby dry-aged meat look at him he's having a mouthgasm these are such dorks they just they just get so into it they just gets so into it man

► 01:14:40

when you go travel when you go to like Thailand and stuff do you get food into go in and try to find something dangerous and crazy or do you just pretty much stay didn't eat bugs but I ate some really hot food no bugs they did try to serve me bucks my picture hosted Fear Factor for 6 years get that shit out of my face doesn't gross me out at all like nothing like eating bugs or anything throw up I remember your wife threw up in her car one time I think I was I came in I came over there and you were cleaning out your wife's car so you're like the green drink sounds like brought up throwing up the other day just brought up throwing up and I started this podcast I'm immune

► 01:15:29

I saw so many people throw up I've seen hundreds of people throw up right in front of me and I have talked to them while they were puking and that this is a learned skill because when I first start doing a show I would gag when I would see other people do it like that part of me is dead is dead so when my wife threw up in her car off so I can clean it cannot do that I can't even my kids throw up I'm like I'm sorry you're on your own. Clean up all the puke if my kids puke I am the designated puke cleaner 100% of time I cleaned up dude I came back from Utah one time and why was I was firing hot and I've had a crazy weekend and I just did wasn't feeling right and I can't we went and made a big dinner and I don't feel good I'm in bed I'm going to rub them in the Yankees robe that and I get out of my car not feeling good not going to the bathroom and I go to shit but I start throwing up before I cash it and I sit in the row and I shit in the road

► 01:16:29

and throw up on my lap and my wife's a thug she went we got this let's get you in the shower I'll take care of it yeah man I like literally unless I'm out of town my wife does not clean up puke she would tell me that the kid puked and I'll clean it up and I want it all cuz she takes care of the chickens oh yeah sometimes you know we have a guy take care of the chickens sometimes especially when we're not there certain things you have two chickens are a little bit of effort you know you got a chance to go collect some squirrel steel and eggs yeah well Marshall took care of that Marshall fucks up squirrels dude Marshall he's the sweetest dog of all time unless you're a squirrel then he's the devil I mean

► 01:17:29

I never seen a dog so determined to kill squirrels crazy he goes out and he looks for the PS2 the chicken coop and then he circled the chicken coop looking see where these motherfuckers get in and see if anybody's around there and see if anybody slipping but I was on the road my wife sent me a picture of Marshall with a squirrel in his mouth and she's so happy cuz she doesn't like squirrels cuz the squirrels are fucking up all the they steal all the chicken food I think they're cute so like for me I'm like so what they steal the chicken food get make more chicken food but then they start stealing the eggs and I should go shine you can't steal my food that's my food you can't steal the eggs me find this what are chickens are family members like you never was like a hundred and twenty and all the trees were dying yeah I walked in and had two chickens in the house

► 01:18:29

he's all happy this is ingrained in his DNA so that if you need this is that blood on his chest yeah yeah well he brings things to you always so I'm a little box of stuff to the house and he's the only dog that I've ever had that doesn't mangle every toy you give him cuz I've had pitbulls and Mastiff and give them a toy that he carries money brings to you so like when I see him in the morning I'm like morning sir good morning Waggin Tails happy in the first thing he does is run over to his Pilot toys grabs one and comes over with it present yeah well he has it in his mouth he always is a retriever like if you see retrievers running lot of times they're carrying their leash in their mouth as they're running they love to hold on to things my mouth

► 01:19:29

diving underwater how he fucking swims like a motherfuker dude that dog is always in the water he just he will die from the deep end of the kids are playing in the pool he and I'll let him out the door he runs to the pool stands on the edge and then leaps into the water splashes and loves it and you can throw those Rings underwater and she dive to the bottom grab it and pulled up he doesn't do that but he swims my bullmastiff I cannot get her in the pool really like you'd like to try the pitch anal sex to your wife so I can come on for real Johnny Cash people has asked me to have pictures of my other dog's they're actually both passed away now I had to put them both down those are bullmastiffs now they were they were up in the English

► 01:20:29

English Bulldog Shiba Inu mix Stay where they're both 13 years old and Johnny couldn't walk anymore it was it was a really rough

► 01:20:42

the last few days of his life I would try to bring him in for dinner and when I would try to bring them in he literally couldn't make it as a small yard where he was at we're talking about like you know 15 yards he couldn't make it 15 yards to the house he would like to take a couple steps in his body would shake and you take a couple steps and he was just sleeping all day and he was also having a really hard time shifting and it would occasionally shit in the house but you couldn't hold his bowels and he couldn't go outside when he wanted to look at you see I'm trying but his his body was so old from Mastiff 13 years old is crazy old like a lot of them died at like 8 or 9 and he was 13 and he was sweet sweet. I've been to the end but he just he was you know he was suffering

► 01:21:39

it was it was hard it's hard when you know them when they're a puppy and then Ten Years Later like your kind of the same and they're not man they're gone you know I think about that with Marshall cuz he's only a year-and-a-half and its all full of life and he so fine he's so silly and playful and happy I might man that's going to be a day where Marshals this old old old dog and I'm going to have to put him down to him it was depressing and the other one Brutus the shiba inu English Bulldog mix he was better than Johnny for a long time still I've known for the last 2 years that they didn't have much time left you know they were there both struggling hard but Brutus took a real hard turn over the last few months where

► 01:22:28

he wouldn't even come in like I try to get him to come in my car by do you want to eat I try to put a little food in front of his face and he would try to stand up and his legs will be shaking and

► 01:22:38

this is so hard and it's so hard watching him fade away you knowing and then also watching them suffer you know a lot the last the last days will you have to decide where you know me and my wife have conversations like we have to do something like this one day we going to come home it's going to be a dead dog and it's not like they're having a good time like this is a horrible suffering slow demise so did you have someone come to the house will you take them those rough dude it's rough

► 01:23:14

Priscilla 7

► 01:23:17

I mean I got it when I first start doing this party and she 140 big dogs having 5 knee surgery is no idea to have an idea but you should a female pitbull that had two ACL reconstructions should have both of her back legs done she blew one out I got it fixed blue the other one out I had to get that fixed to save the bone down they don't like reconstructed where they add like another ligament they shave the bone down so it doesn't show it like sits on it it differently so it locks in place so it doesn't pop off and and and go like out of socket or whatever it is

► 01:24:04

but yeah that's fucking like 10 grand a pop right I mean I'm not going to tell everyone how much cuz I should stop liking me in a minute that she got one ACL and then we fixed it then the then while this one's healing is turning the other ACL goes out so we fix that one when I got it we're done and then as this one stealing this one goes out again and they're like an ass when they're like you want to put it down and I might not man I'm fucking like 5 grand a pop I think and then and then it's it even adds up more because like we should keep her here while this while she's healing to do and then or diamonds and then they realize one that something's wrong with your knee cap and then they realize she's got you know it's over breeding and interbreed their kneecaps about so they fix this one this one replaced both kneecaps and then one more goes out and then like all right

► 01:25:01

the manchac hit that dog is the greatest fucking dog Mastiffs are amazing my favorite dogs ever they're so chill the sweetest. Like gets up in bed with you in the morning I just put your face right up on you and just does one of those big cow breast

► 01:25:20

and you're like all I'm here there's so relax too they're just a different kind of dog very relaxed you know and I feel comfortable when I go on the road I feel comfortable knowing there's a hundred forty pound animal that would give its life for my daughter's one of the one of my dog sleeps in one of my daughters bad one of her dog sleeps Priscilla seats in George's bed and I go I'm good no one's coming in anywhere and I was breaking in anything I got a buddy was a German Shepherd police dog and it's it's it's one of those dogs and he has to be with all the time and trained all the time but this dog it's is a disturbing thing to have cuz you basically have an assassin that lives to do this just waiting for orders just wait

► 01:26:09

my buddy's got a German Shepherd that he hasn't quite figured out yet you can't work a full-time job and just leave that thing alone in the yard you just can't install there in 10 just fuck so in a weird way it's like dealing with a complicated chick feel like I know you have daddy issues and I'm not spending enough time with you you can't fix them you could train a dog training a woman get out of here you can't if you meet someone I don't hear woman or a man you meet someone is completely fucking crazy you got to get out of there you got to go you can't just want to fix him we know a lot of people to try to fix them like Bryan Callen when I first met him it was always trying to fix these crazy girls I was like dude you got to save yourself you got to save yourself man you can't fix someone you can't I remember the day I decided I would never fix a chick again

► 01:27:03

is a one night stand and I came in like 15 seconds

► 01:27:08

and she was and I told her I said hi and then I was about to say give me a second let me reboot to go back at it but is she was a fucking kidding me punch the wall to learn how to fuck you need to read a book get on lunch and learn how to fuck my gently rolled out of bed and I was like I think you need to go home this isn't happening anymore and she was like excuse me and I was like look sound like a boyfriend and I'm not your fucking husband and what I just saw I'm not going to be able to help and she was like and then she was like, I'm still on here my roommate we just walked out he's like what the fuck I go I got it handled don't worry about it or this might be the most beautiful moment

► 01:28:08

locking the door and she's like are you fucking serious are you fucking in my face and she goes your pathetic your fun and I thought you came and she looks so fucking hard

► 01:28:31

Smiles good morning in my apartment building is she

► 01:28:38

this is over a check and see where she's in jail for Louie masturbate in front of each other and my apartment we get done it's just so you know you can't tell anyone about this and I was locked up she knew a bunch of comics in New York so I won't tell a soul promise I got swear to God if a boss is out smoking a cigarette

► 01:29:38

last night I don't know how's it going to go to me too she needed a ride over Brooklyn one time

► 01:29:46

Bucket Boss that's hilarious. Those are the days I look if you can go back to one point your stand up career for one year you get a live one year in your stand up career you can't pick right now where you are right now but you got to go to back to one point when one year every day to show up into like the store in 97 when your meeting Lori and everyone in the you and Duncan Duncan them on the couch or what I don't know what you're at was but around then or you go to the part where is that I mean by one of the more interesting Parts is like when you get banned from the store from them and see if shit and you're like literally like fuck it like I'm a man on a mission fuc like that's one of the more interesting Parts in your story on your life in my opinion is whenever one fucking backed out on you and you were like I don't go out like that motherfukers and you just start fucking building what we're would you pick

► 01:30:42

I would pick the early days I pick like when I was just starting to get work

► 01:30:46

act I pick those days weird shity Road gigs you know early 20s careless no no responsibilities no worries no nothing didn't even have credit card had nothing those were the good days and a lot of ways it's not that today is not awesome it is way better sure but what was good about those days is that there's so there's so much Wild and Free Ness there's so much

► 01:31:18

yeah I remember one time I just gave you the main and then after the gig met this girl will have a couple drinks were hanging out with both like the same age I think I was probably 20 to 23 she's probably somewhere around the same age 22 23 and we're just young and it's summertime and we hung out and we want to bang in my car I have like a Honda Accord and one and we can even go in the back seat cuz it was really barely a backseat right we like folded down the front seat flat and then the windows rolled down or just sitting there hanging out and laughing and I remember having this unique moment where I realized like this is not going to be my life forever I'm never I'm not going to be 22 years old with like $100 in the bank not knowing what I'm doing not knowing where I'm going not knowing what the future holds but yet okay with it that you can only be okay with that for sure

► 01:32:18

how many years when you're 45 and you have $100 in the bank and you don't know what you're doing and your career is not really established you don't really have a clear path that's scary that's dangerous it feels like you're a loser you know you feel like you feel pathetic you feel like you haven't done what you need to do this like a certain amount of discipline that you haven't taken part in and because of that your life is chaotic where is when you 22 and that's happening this it's like that Bob Seger song you know like what was that bother looking Ramblin Man

► 01:32:53

remember which one you always got a lot of songs about Night Moves she was like like a rock made its night moves but the idea of that you're recognizing that this is a unique moment in your youth that it's all like who knows what's going to happen mean you might die in a car accident tomorrow you know who knows you might never make it as a comedian you might take a job somewhere and you might always have regrets right now you're having fun right now you're you're basically just a couple years out of high school and you know you're in did a comedy gig and now you meeting some pretty girl and you guys are laughing you hanging out and having a good time and it's summer and the windows rolled down the air is warm and it's just the something it was something amazing about those days were fascinating man and Greg and I Fitzsimmons and I did a shit ton of gigs together we we work together a lot back in those days cuz we started out within a week of each other we were

► 01:33:53

open Microsoft the exact same time we did a ton of gigs together yeah we basically we traveled all over the place together we did a lot of gigs in Rhode Island and Massachusetts hell gigs we did all those things together and we we still to this day we'll look back and laugh at those days hey Jamie Jerrod Carmichael is at the wrong spot tell Jeff get on the ball

► 01:34:19

those days were there just they're just really unique in that you really have no idea you have no idea you have no idea what the fuck the future holds it's a completely different experience you like your life is a completely different experience then it will ever be ever again and I just remember that I remember that that moment I don't know why is that one night with one girl I never talk to you again you know to call someone they have to be home like in 1990 there to be home you call them on the phone they were and I'm like well I guess you're not home you know it's like it wasn't it wasn't like today you know you can text him on or you can email them or nope yeah call them at their house

► 01:35:06

there's a few of those few those that I remember

► 01:35:10

the idea that you didn't have phones become a road trip with Tom and we just would talk for fucking Sacramento on time talk for 5 hours there 5 out 10 hours you spend with a human being knows on their phone

► 01:35:29

there's something real about that right I guess I think we're definitely missing something we definitely missing something with these phones but they were gaining something to we're getting a lot more information I'll tell you what my kids have any won't fire

► 01:35:43

and we did that when we were kids with no phones will it kill fire one time just cuz we're bored yeah yeah

► 01:35:51


► 01:35:53

I don't know man this good and bad it's like it balances out I guess but if you had to go back to any time of year, quit when would you go when I just want to write when I first started headlining like right when like that first time I just had kids there was young I was making $1,300 a week on the road and I was so passionate about stand-up I was kind of preoccupied I bet but like I just would give everything every night did you do 6 shows Thursday through Sunday and I'd fly in early for pressing I get excited to do brass and I come in and I just be like I have my notebook with me all the time and I was like I just every idea was like a brand new field like you know that you're really distant Travel Channel stuff I kind of just kind of I kind of threw the second back seat and I and I was I was headlining I was like yeah I can do this confidently and I think I'm there now right now I feel like I'm back to

► 01:36:53

place where I go like I'm just writing so fucking much where I'm like God like everything like I feel like everything that's the thing that happens when you have to do a special every couple years when you're when you're filming the one thing that definitely happens is your forced into this creativity your horse to where we both aware those people that don't write and it did they sit around for a long time with the same material and then it goes year after year after year and then gets Taylor and staler and flattering

► 01:37:25

exact same joke next year 3 hours the same hours just it's just they say it differently that was for me I took this hour so fucking seriously I took it like I was saying someone the other day I did a hundred and fifty set up for that I were a hundred fifty times before I did it on Netflix while I like and I arranged it like that working an hour and figuring out where to place stuff and figure out why we're stuffs to go I'm obsessive about that two shows was fucking it was the I mean the second show was a dream that's a great spot that lower the stage so that I'm in the audience I put a half moon in there so it wasn't just a little plank no smoke machine not seen everyone had smoke machines I don't want to smoke machine and I think it really paid off this sounds silly and you won't notice it when you watch a special but

► 01:38:21

cuz that place is so old is little particles of dust everywhere and you can almost see him in the back of looks like it's like little stars in the back I Love It I Love Field Dallas badass it looks fucking bad-ass what is your writing process like do you write stuff out on paper to computer how do you do it anymore because it is losing so much I just it just doesn't help if I see something or something has something happens to me and then I got it in my phone and I'll just put in my phone or I can bring my book with me on stage and I'll go to my book and I'll see the one more thing and I and USA I tell stories and I know I'm known for telling like 12 minutes stories feel like most of my stories are a little tighter now one of writing is a little tighter so I kind of work it out on stage mostly

► 01:39:15

but I record every set I didn't go through the courting sky and I'll write down I like to talk that's funny even stupid silly lines and so that's the part where I and then and then once I get it like that that I just

► 01:39:30

can I buy recorded again and I find the parts where that silences or where I'm lazy where I go I need something I can't just go and then but yeah I'll record it I ride it but I don't long hair dried it at ditches I work for me so when you say you're right it like how you're writing a stripe bullet points the joke at my best you can tell him right now without a doubt is about it so quick I know about you but it's it's not about you at all but that's opening thing was just some and the only part I tell you is I wanted to Starbucks I thought I was getting recognized the young black kid behind the counter came out to me is like like oh my God I'm a huge fan of Joe Rogan's I was like oh it's so then so then me and him had an interaction and I made him laugh and I went that was funny so then the next day

► 01:40:27

I came back and I made him laugh again and I went oh I know where this is so then I ride it out and I figure it out and then the next. Elder interaction was so big I realized I needed three of those so I'll punch it out but I and I and I find the things that make it rhythmic and the things like for me things that catch an audience is like I go and then he fell down and then when the moment until she gets up liens up like it's almost the rhythm of the way to say it for me before along with the joke that makes any chance really good Storyteller its physical thing going on is rhythm thing going on is really good Rhythm like when jokes he says like it's easier for me to talk about Dan hope that about myself but like when he goes when he's talking about Isis and how they recruit people and it's identical hot towel he recruits people

► 01:41:27

phrase for me bird as an amazingly Burr does it amazingly similar to Isis this is on his special so I'm not putting any jokes out this special young man who can't get laid and have drinking and drug problems and and then they bring them in and they show them a good time and they get the drug and he's like that and is the barkers technique he's got the weirdest fucking life ever met he's basically got a little cold going on in Arizona

► 01:42:12

come on you can take yoga classes we should run a house for him Google call down there come on man come hang out the store cuz he hung out the store a couple nights he's like this place is incredible it's amazing it's amazing I go this is Valhalla this is the craziest like in terms of what I've experienced is a crazy error of stand up ever and the store is the epicenter I'm like you should be here all the time I don't know I don't fucking Stanhope get in here man to go just to get an apartment near here do whatever you want is you I called him up all morning or one night is at 5 at night and I was like bullshit and I go with you up to and this is why I love Doug does not have enough

► 01:43:12

grapefruit and vodka having a cigarette trying to think of some Goose I don't try to rework a knock-knock jokes I'm trying to make Knock Knock Jokes present like he tells me he's like his version of a knock-knock for life I was like fuck yes that's his life my daughters will see me doing it where I'm like we're out to dinner and something will happen and I'll just be like

► 01:43:47

dog mouthing to myself and I'm working a bit and they're like a you running a joke right now and I'm like that sorry I get up and run I get out of the room oh for real though I have an idea if I have an idea and anybody gets in there that little the ideal Escape it'll slip away like if I have an idea especially kids like young kids they just start talking like they just start and then they demand your attention and light up you have to capture a bit you have to have silence like you can't have people talking at you or you'll consider what they're saying like oh really yeah and it'll go away so I can I treat those things like their gold like if I have an idea and it's a real ID act like a real idea when I get excited when I run I get off I get up off table right back got to go got an idea you know people are not into that and don't get creativity and don't right or don't do stand them it'll weird amount

► 01:44:47

I'm sorry I just had an idea and I had capture it in the moment it's a have to write it down I literally I literally will sit and just talk in the middle of dinner with my family I just talk something out to do like so you can hold it while you're talking to them but other shit oh I don't know I'm not crazy, can I just sit and I'll work a bit out like this is before the triathlon because I wasn't smoking pot up into for the triathlon I walked in and I was way too high, I guess and I walk in the kitchen and my bullmastiff is put away the silverware what Scott elbow on the counter

► 01:45:41

putting away the silverware putting away the silverware I should I said that she looks to me like he can fucking help and then I realized oh she's eating a cake on the counter but I was so hot and then I would have thought it was weird that I was like I just going in the dog a little bit but I wanted to the man cave I just was talking my wife came back and I'm I'm standing in the man cave just like I'm sorry in the middle of a bit she's like just left I'll jump up in the middle of the night and I'm in bed I've said to myself before I'll remember that and I

► 01:46:41

so I can remember ever occasionally one out of a hundred times I'll be like taking a leak and then I'll remember it slippery like Neal Brennan said it best he said that he thinks of his notebook as like a net for catching ideas I like that that's a good way of looking at it turn on you at all times cuz something happens all the time we were like well the phone is the best man I don't know if you use the dictation feature never do that rock and roll it all voice to text on the plane last night or whatever I was yesterday night I was trying to type in white supremacist and it came up white Supreme hoodie

► 01:47:31

and I thought oh that's funny that you would try to like I do I want it over to white supremacist OD on accident like there's nothing you never know what the fuk up I just heard someone say that I have hundreds of them that never did anything so I'll go over through them like sometimes if I'm stale I'll just go scrolling through them I go to a guy on here what do I got it yeah I never tried that and one of those I've never tried I tried last night the ice house and there's something there there's something there it's not good yet but there's sites seed jumped in there and you got to water those seeds and he got to take chances with them and you got to know how many of those people sitting there like you got to give him real bits to bro but you got also like the last night anybody came to the show hope you have a good time but I had to at least four solid Duds in there and I'm just trying I don't know

► 01:48:31

I'm going with them and everything that's working like right now I got about 50 to new minutes and so everything that was quick how many months ago shot in February wow are they spending that much time before they show it I don't know

► 01:49:00

that's a long-ass time. In 6 months I guess that's right little shorter but not much but just like a month maybe we Shadows on the same day and so like that's great that you're ready of 50 minutes. Just I'm back at like I'm just in it I like it I've been where I'm at it's like the only thing I got that's what's making me money so that's where my legs are so much better than living doing comedy and not not having these bosses and be on roller coasters every weekend you guys have to move the camera crazy but that's what happens with one of those gigs Howie Mandel went on stage at the Laugh Factory once and he was talking about how scared he was that he could say something on stage and

► 01:50:00

I want to tell his bosses cuz he does a family show and that he get fired I was like wow you're a comment cookies Howie Mandel do I was just coming up just started he already had specials and they were really funny he was really fucking funny back then man back in the day some of his early CDs really hilarious shit but any so funny we still funny guys always going to be funny. But when I was watching them say that I was like that is the craziest thing I've ever heard he's worried about getting fired for saying something on staszak saying fuck in his act or talking about something in his act that someone deems too inappropriate for a family show but you can lose this gig at America's got to Izzy on America's Got Talent that what is on the wall or something imagine wanting that gig

► 01:51:00

Travel Channel came back very recently and asked me if I'd come back and they're like what it tells whatever you want to do and part of me is like I think I'm doing it special and my podcast I was solo podcast I've got something's burning always on the road doing stand-up I love writing I'm writing faster and better now that I've ever written an end especially in the best compliment I've ever gotten is Tom watched it and was like I had tears in my eyes and it's you it's not this is you it's who you are and I was like I was like man I wish you work for the New York fucking times like that is the greatest, but I like what am I going to do that on my own watch like going to swim with orcas in Norway and me shooting it and doing it rain in Miami

► 01:52:00

and I don't even care to monetize but it's something that people watching like fuck that ass you don't mind any of that but to do something with someone else giving me notes and telling me how I should behave super conservative right I just feel like you know I think that's their own by Chick-fil-A fuck man so yeah it's nice to know that you go like you say something fucked up on stage and you're only replication is the one chick that's like that was fucked up and yeah I know I took a chance so hard and getting things done and also doing that with like you're you're running in the marathon and all the Spartan Race shit like you you're fucking doing shit man after its

► 01:53:00

great man it's great to see you know it's great to see you put together a special and work so hard at it you know it's good I mean we're in a real cool time right now like everybody's kind of killing it I think so I look at what everyone is doing and they're all doing it on their own pace it's awesome but you look at already and he's like he's like texting me and big J and Sally's like yeah he's like Alright these are the dates

► 01:53:27

yeah just so you know we will be watching the Super Bowl together. He's killing it in his own way you know everybody's killing it in the wrong way it's fascinating it's it's it's interesting you know it's true autonomy it's what you know it's like you don't we all started doing this podcast with you and showing up at your house the little things we like about number sitting on that couch is so the couch is be back in it and you can like some terrible terrible yeah I gave it to him yeah I got it out of my podcast Studio shipped over to re and then he use it as his couch and I think he sold it online anywhere thank you I missed you remember your landline with ring all the time baby screaming in the background looks somewhat stubborn

► 01:54:27

crying you hear the background Evolution on to my house though it was weird Jim Jefferies is over but every now and then I have someone over a book I don't even know if I like this guy in my house some fucking weirdo what brought on the podcast and now they've been to my house since he was too intimate that's why I'm apologizing still at my house and we're talking about Tom's doing it cuz I can't I can't just have the people in my house Brian he's I mean I don't want to tell everyone talks business but I think he probably pretty open but he's going to like he's going out he's going to beg he's going to do what you're doing on the spice smaller level he went to start shooting stuff and making like his own branded content that's just Tom Segura his sense of humor him and push do the podcast out of there to her podcast out of their make shows you should do is we should get another space and build it up

► 01:55:27

like this space and have one that's got like four studios in it and a bunch of us can use him and you just pay a certain amount of rent per month that's where I'm at for a little bit you know Men's Health cover this but I shot the whole fucking thing I got shot all of it I stopped the Spartan Race and edited it and it's fun for me like I shot the whole thing I just went around and set up camera go to the event grab the camera the set of camera do the thing to Lena do the thing at Marathon cover the whole fucking thing on my phone it's like if I can get myself at Junior fucking editor bro I'll put on contact every day throughout the bat signal put it on your Instagram you really want to make sure they're not crazy that's the hard part of your life cuz his assistant

► 01:56:27

in the middle of the fucking night time someone else did Alabama CB to work for

► 01:56:42

for real

► 01:56:46

I mean you asked me I'm not saying that it was justified I'm not saying that come on man something something happy fucked up

► 01:56:59

novavax when they were doing the break but you know when they're doing the breakdown the police officer how long is it working for you how many how many copies do you drink and what was it that you said

► 01:57:23

I got to wrap this up unfortunately cuz I got to ride here this party tonight you fux so tonight at midnight it airs secret I'm on Netflix. I'm in Irvine this week and check out the good time thank you Joe love you brother thank you

► 01:57:52

Talking Tom

► 01:57:55

this is so funny

► 01:58:17

Chrysler secret time

► 01:58:24

I'm about to pass out that's actually probably better than anything they're going to come up with how much money does he have these making his own trailers

► 01:58:37

thanks brother

► 01:58:39

thank you everybody for two minutes of podcast thank you your sponsor thank you too on it go to Onnit use the code word Rogan and save 10% off any and all supplements thank you also to stop motherfuking cash app go to the Google marketplace or the Google Play Market or the App Store download the cash app for free and don't forget when you download the cash app enter the reward code Joe Rogan you will receive $5 and the cash Apple send $5 to Justin wrens fight for the Forgotten charity we are also brought to you by stamps.com go to stamps.com click on the microphone the top the home page and type in JRE that stamps.com and enter JRE they will hook you up with a 4 week trial plus Postage and a digital scale

► 01:59:33


► 01:59:36

that's it folks is it for today love love love you all bye